May is a month of gratitude and celebration of the feminine
aspect of God
God the Mother
who creates and nurtures all things, including ourselves.
The beauty of May draws us out of hibernation into natural mindfulness of the blessings and abundance of nature. Gratitude and mindfulness are intimately related, for as we practice gratitude we come more aware, more present.
The images here are something completely different for me, yet since I came upon this site while in Vermont last spring the abandoned burned out Motel spoke to me. I avoided it a few times, wondering what I can make of this space, what kind of photographs I could make from such a site. So being drawn like a moth to the flame, I finally drove off the main road to capture some shots.
These photos have haunted me since than and with the 150th Anniversary Exhibition for the Photographic Society of Philadelphia these are the images that kept coming to mind. These are completely different from anything I have done before, I have tried to ignore them but in the middle morning, 3:30 am, titles came to me, visions of these photographs repeated in my half awake state, finally causing me to get up and write the titles which I thought would be enough, not so.
I had to wash up, come down stairs, pet the dogs, make coffee, and preview the images which were burning in my mind. Even while working on them, and going through them I kept wondering, are these too dark, what is the story, what are you looking to convey? I think the titles say that, yet the story is in the photographs themselves.
I have been viewing a lot of contemporary photographs and I have been struck by their rawness, their sense of emptiness, even loneliness. Images of landscapes like these, and I wonder why someone is drawn to photograph such stark spaces?
Is it my dark side trying to present something, is it my desire to risk another side of my work that has not shown up before, influenced by modern photography? Yes, no, maybe?
Here are the images out of the camera, untouched:
Welcome
Loss
vision
Hope
Here are images that I contemplated with some enhancements, and treatment, which is something else I usually don’t do in my work.
Starkness
Loss
Hope
Okay, I made this real. I stepped out of my comfort zone. I am sure that I am going to get your thoughts and contemplations on these images and they are welcome. I can only use three in the exhibition and they have to be submitted by Friday, (jpgs) do. The images still can be adjusted before selection and printing which needs to be done in the next few weeks.
The quotes here are quotes I have collected over the past year or so, they have been selected to express the experience of the last few months. My own words at this time will not convey that which has been in process. These words resonate, inspire, enlighten, and shine life light on the journey past, present, and into the future.
“We must remember that REAL change takes time. Growers are inchworms. Lasting transformation is an incremental process, one “soulstep” at a time. We can have all the peak experiences we want but the real work happens between the peaks, while laying down and integrating on the valley floor. This may frustrate us, but it is the only way to craft an awareness that is authentic and sustainable. Divine perspiration…” Jeff Brown
“Although the journey home is often difficult, its also wondrous. On the materialistic treasure hunt, satisfactions are fleeting. On the inner treasure hunt, your satisfaction builds. It’s so beautiful to touch a new plateau of awareness, to view your self with a broadened lens, to shape your self with your own two hands. Every time I unravel a piece of my karmic thread, I feel the God-self come a little bit closer.. ” Jeff Brown
“The art form of the Soulshaping journey is knowing when to assert, & when to surrender. There are times when utilizing our will is perfect in order to excavate our path from the deep within, but there are also times when glimpses of path float to the surface only when we’re in a receptive state. Some shaping happens through our own efforts, some happens when we lay back & let the universe do the shaping for us.” Jeff Brown
“With respect to path, I feel the primary goal is to identify our unique soul-scriptures, to walk in our own two shoes & no one else’s. Not to say that every moment will be blissful-we still have to deal with the world etc- but to reach the stage where we know that we are where we are supposed to be on our Soulshaping journeys. Not where someone else told us to be, but our own true-path. This is what I wish for us.” Jeff Brown
“When you walk through the gateway of your sacred purpose, you walk into yourself. Blessingly buffered from the madness of the world, your purpose filters out those relationships and energies that undermine your expansion. Infused with vitality and a clarified focus, new pathways of possibility appear where before there were obstacles. Life still has its challenges, but you interface with them differently, coated in an authenticity of purpose that sees through the veils to what really matters. The rivers of essence rise up to meet you, carrying you from one wave of expansion to another…” (Soulshaping) Jeff Brown
“Going with the flow” means listening to your inner guidance ~ not sitting back, waiting and doing nothing. In order for us to get in touch with our inner guidance we need to spend time in meditation stilling the mind. When the mind is overactive, it is impossible to receive clarity. 15 minutes of stillness ~ everyday ~ will open up the tubes and channels to your higher self and open up the “flow” of communication from your higher wisdom. In order to go with the flow, you must first be in the flow.” ~ Sabrina
“God, the supreme artist, uses our life for the creation of art. We are the instruments through which the force of life expresses itself. We express our art in everything we say, everything we feel, and everything we do. The creation is ongoing, it is endless, it is happening in every moment.” ~ Don Miguel Ruiz
The journey is always full, it is our perspective that gives in life, shares its meaning. I am grateful for the journey, I am grateful for my friends and followers who kept silent while still asking… I am Love!
“Don’t be perfect. Be you.
Don’t be what you think they want you to be.
Be what you know you are.
Don’t look outside yourself for anything. It’s all within!”
~Jackson Kiddard
My friend shared this quote this morning on his FB status. My response was saying yeah but my insides feel like a mess. His response to me was that spirit was perfection, our inner state is Perfect. But what happens when the inner state doesn’t feel perfect, that truly the shadows have come to rest upon my days and play havoc with my mind.
And than I went to see what the daily reading was from Pocketful of Miracle, in which Joan Borysenko share this prayer:
“Great Spirit, help me awaken to the peace of mind that is my own true nature, my birthright in You!”
It seems sometimes it is only the words I have to comfort me, the awareness comes from the words, they are the light on the darkened path, as well as the bright light on the path that leads me forward. At sometime in the past few weeks it seems I have taken a step back or a road less traveled, or one that I have been on before and have not completely searched and cleared out the demons or made peace with them. 
This whole blog maybe about telling on myself. It may be about that fact that on Saturday June 9, with the grace of God, I will be sober 23 years. I haven’t had a drink or a drug in all that time one day at time. Yet my emotional soberity has not followed such a rigorous path, or has it?
As I stepped back into the practice of my program, the program of recovery on a regular basis a little less that a year ago, even though the language and principles (spiritual principles of AA) have always been a guiding source of light during my search for my relationship with a Higher Power. It was the humans, the daily living among people in and out of the program that throws me into darkness.
Knowing I am not perfect, the ego always wants to lead the dance instead of being a partner and sharing the harmony we can make together I become confronted by who I think I am, maybe even who people think I am, most telling who I think people are suppose to be.
Even after all this time, I don’t have it right, I don’t want to have it right, I just desire to not expect, I desire to allow life to be, even when I don’t know what that Being is. Going within feels frightening right now. Going within feels dark, it tells “you are not perfect, you lead with your ego, you have too much expectations of those around, and even yourself.” Or maybe it is not that maybe it is the fear that Marianne Williamson shares about…
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
As I began to step up my practice, use the tools of recovery, to empower myself to listen to the voice from within, to open up once again to let people in, to make friends, to take on new projects. Fear stepped in too, the feeling of abandonment and risk came calling. It all began to seem like work. Of course there was joy there, there was inspiration. So what shows self sabotage, reluctance, the monster “not good enough”, people began leaving… or did they?
So who is this guy 23 years later? with all the flaws and character defects still intact… was i this person drunk? have I learned anything in the past 23 years? sometimes it feels like I have not. Yeah the old timers say, “well you didn’t drink today.” and that is a blessing in itself.
As A human I am beyond perfect, as spirit I was born perfect. Just being me in the imperfect perfection of living life on daily basis. 
“As an artist, it is central to be unsatisfied! This isn’t greed, though it might be appetite.” Lawrence Calcagno
Haven in the Ghetto, by Gregory Pestegord
Even though I have not written it almost a month, did you miss me? I have been out and about viewing, attending, researching, socializing, being inspired, been awed, been confused, and as of late even frightened.
I have photographed, I have entered a juried art show, and disappointed the work was not selected this year. Was I fully committed to that venue this time? No, I almost missed the dead line for submissions, and sent them in via email which was a form of submission this year. Yet alas competition was a challenge and more people have been entering so it make the juror job that much more difficult.
So with ego bruise, disappointment offers another opportunity, which may or may not have presented itself. The gallery exhibit in Vermont is still on the table, and hopefully this weekend the plans will be framed and hung. I received a message of a local library call for artist just this morning, so the work that was not selected in the juried show can be submitted to that exhibit. Yay!
In the past week a few of my photographs have been included in my friend Don Brewer’s DoN Arts blog to go along with a Studio tour we did a few weeks back at 915 Spring Garden St, Philadelphia Pa. I could write a whole blog about that experience, and I just might yet Don, interviewed many of the artist that we viewed, so check out his blog.
Before I went to Vermont I ask about writing a blog for the Photographic Society of Philadelphia’s 150th Anniversary, and I had not realized I had not heard a response until a few weeks ago while at a PSoP Solo exhibition reception when I saw Eileen for the first time since returning, and I ask her if she received me request, and said she had responded via email, which I never recalled seeing. Eileen is the president of the Society. She offered to share a PDF she had of the Philadelphia Photographer magazine from 1866, in which are minuets of the first meetings of the Society, included is the founding members names and some of their discussions about photography, mostly equipment, for photography was an emerging form of creativity.
Back in the Day
OffI was down the path, following names, searching for photographs, of the members, as well as photographs by the members. It seems most roads lead back to this PDF and to the Library company of Philadelphia, which has it linkage to all other archives around the city. On Wednesday Don and I ventured to the Free Library for what I thought was book about the Society, which it is but is a reference book, not a memoir of the society useful but not what I was looking for. Of course during our inept search of the racks we discovered a treasure of Photography art books which can and will be a source of information and inspiration. In our frustration we were directed to the Print and Picture Room, that space is awesome in itself, we were greeted by the curator Aurora Deshauteurs, to a whole box full of stereoscopic images, which was one of the forms that early photography was printed, well these two art geeks where in haven. We viewed and photographed via iPhone some of the prints I thought where of first use to begin the society blog. So stay tuned.
believed to be a photograph by one of the first Members of PSoP! John Moran
1864
As I mentioned above Don and I had his friend toured the studios at 915, one Sunday afternoon, the Tuesday before was the Solo Exhibit at Cafe 12 for a PSoP member John Bacillie, who photographs street art, graffiti and such, he tends to play around with the photographs as well. The next Monday PSoP’s Vice-President Morris Klein had a reception at Brown Street Bar, a local corner bar in the Fairmont area of the city. Morris collection is his ode to Philly rendered in his unique HDR style.
Morris Klein at his reception discussing his work with a friend !
Then the next Sunday was the Plastic Clubs 100th Annervsary members only exhibition, in which many of the members of the Photographic society belong to as well, and about half of the awards of the collection where photographs by our members.
Plastic Club members exhibit!
There has been a few other events, yet as you see I have been wetting my appetite, filling the well, spending time with companions who encourage each other to do the work, envisioning the art world as an abundant source of inspiration, challenge, as well as great opportunity. The city of Philadelphia is a cultural artistic venue once the doors are opened and the light shone, which it has been for me in the past few months. Early on I had hesitated to join the Photographic Society of Philadelphia because it sound pretentious, and my own fear of stepping out. Now I have stepped in, have been welcomed, and have become involved! Was it that unsatisfied appetite that caused me to venture forth, or the seeking of artistic knowledge and recognition that has been central to me present state of being?
The fog is an illusion—
A master of disguise,
Which hides the tangible
Before our very eyes.
But when the fog has lifted
Everything’s still there,
And the tangible
Only seemed to’ve disappeared.
In the early morning
Or late at night,
The fog descends
Upon various sites.
It gives an air of mystery
That has long prevailed.
Dangerously intriguing
Is the fog’s foggy veil.
© W.S.2009
Walterrean Salley
The Dense Fog
I see not what others see
The fog is used to blind me
That fog of routine that is of life
Unable to see what is near
It is near impossible to hear
Only the little light makes it through
That light is what I see
The possibility of unhindered vision
But that is only for a moment
For tomorrow the fog will roll back
And that is how all life is
For my generation and yours
This fog is here to stay
Stephen Mueller
“… through exercising your power of choice judiciously, you can learn to see how you and your actions can work in harmony with the world around you. You may experience the grace of living in harmony with the universe only a handful of times, but the experience is characterized by a feeling of trust and a rapport with your surroundings.” Carolyn Myss
The power of choice
I read the above quote after having read the Fourth Step process in Alcoholics Anonymous: The process of taking an inventory of our lives, seeking the places we find resentment, anger, selfish behavior… and fear. These choices of fear selfish behavior, anger and resentments do not allow us/me to experience the grace of being in harmony with the universe, those choices do not create trust and or rapport with my surroundings, they do just the opposite.
Continual Flow
I say this because I find myself more and more in just those moments of choice, to control a situation, to be get angry because someone needs some or is hovering, in an unconscious caring way. I hear myself in those moments, when I am making a sarcastic comment, getting angry of a diver on the road that is going the speed limit, or even the dogs, when it seems to me an inappropriate time to want to take a walk, in those moments I have to breathe, I have to say how important is this to my sanity and my relationship to this situation. Constantly readjusting my attitude, realigning my self with the Higher Power. For each moment is a moment to learn who I am, or who I am not or even no longer wish to be.
Self-centered, resentment, anger, and fear...
There is some really wise words which when used as action to move beyond ourselves, from Alcoholics Anonymous page 420 which states, “Perhaps the best thing of all for me is to remember that my serenity is inversely proportional to my expectations.” For I have unconscious expectation of how things are suppose to be, I have egoic reason why, a situation, person, place or thing should act accordingly, the wisdom goes on to say, ” The higher my expectations of other people are (and myself), the lower my serenity. I can watch my serenity level rise when I discard my expectations. But when my ‘rights’ (ego) try to move in, and they too can force my serenity down. I have to discard my ‘rights’ (ego) as well as expectations, by asking myself, How important is it, really? How important is it compared to my serenity, my emotional sobriety? And when I place more value on my serenity and sobriety than on anything else, I can maintain them at a higher level – at least for the time being.”
For at least the time being, for the moment is just that only a moment, yet when anger and resentment have become present the moment lives on in my energy much longer. Yeah but ego says what about my ‘rights’ what about me, in a flash, you are not important, the state of being is, presence of mind, the action of Love is the state of being. Love of self, to be Love of others, Love to others.
I still have to ask, do I think that little of myself to continue to react in such a manner? The reason for this writing is to awaken that place of serenity, to create emotional sobriety on a regular basis, not a sometime, someplace experience, an experience that is a state of being, Being Love, I am Love. I use to sign off with I am Love, all the time, than something shifted, because what I was experiencing was everything put love from myself. So it was time to “trudge the road of happy destiny” once again.
Serenity
Once again the practice of choosing consciously or judiciously choosing actions that are in harmony with the world around will offer the grace of serenity, will allow me to be present and leave the present to the past when the next moment comes, and I have acted Lovely from self into the world Lovely .
Question: What are your choices saying about you?
All Photographs are register @ Jeff Stroud. and can be purchased through me or http://www.redbubble.com/people/jeffstroud
The second full day in Vermont begins, E. Wallingford, 
cool and fragrant with fire-place smoke merging with the morning mist as the sun rising above Maple grove cemetery just behind Village Street on which I am staying and using for my base of operations, while I explore the area with my camera. 
Mom and I drove up Wednesday, left at 7:30 am, on a damp misting morning, stopping at the bank, and gas station on the highway. I was not ready even though I had planned this trip of a week, the leaving time was dependent on Lee’s operation and leaving of the hospital, Lee is my Mother’s man friend! He had open heart surgery last Thursday. Mom was concerned so I offered to drive her up, bringing the dogs and my camera.
We arrived at about 4:30 pm, after many long hours in the car two other stops for coffee, thank goodness of Starbucks on the road, and pee breaks for the dogs. Only bought gas at one of the stops. Getting out of New Jersey was the most difficult, traffic up north is intense, and road work doesn’t help much. Once we got in to New York, the skies cleared up and the road was open, off went.
Had a little detour in Bennington Vt, which is a quint little town but we didn’t want to go through it but around. I will have to go back to take some photos. There is nothing in Vermont my winding, mountains roads, big sky and Mountains as far as you can see. Imagine. Awesome. Did I can any photographs of this no, I was driving, but you’ll get the idea with the local shots, while I was driving yesterday to Rutland and back. 
I walked around town like a journalist, snapping photos every which way, saying hi to the locals as we passed. Enjoying the unseasonable heat of 80 degrees, moving up and down the main streets, and for once the main street is call something other then Market, or Main Street, I is aptly named Merchant Street. Some well preserved 19th Century and early 20th Century buildings. The downtown is on the National Register of Historic places.
Why was I wakened at 5 am, On Saturday? So I could read, make fresh coffee, take a brisk walk in the frosty chill of the 32 degree morning, while the Cardinal’s sung back and forth to each other, to the accompaniment of my seemingly out loud prayers that I usually pray while on the first walk of the day, yet those prayers are only in mind, sometimes mindful, sometimes said by thoughtless practice… the silence of morning, blasted away by a fire siren, the steady whoosh of highway traffic, that of my own or the cars the speed by on the turnpike. The wooded area surrounds and fills me with wonder, no camera this morning for I did not think of it and the light was just beginning to enlighten the day. Yet I see the fallen tree branches, the brown, rust colored leaves that give sense to the its presence. Sometime I think the chaos of brush, branches, tangled among themselves, across paths need to be straightened up, for the woods in winter looks disheveled and unorganized but who am I to redecorate natures beauty. For it is in that entanglement, in the chaos that the patterns, and design are created to offer the visual, to make homes for the small animals and unseen creatures of the forest. (and my camera) 
I had read this passage last evening before falling asleep, it resonated and works here now. The passage is from Invisible Acts of Power by Caroline Myss she states, “Every single person is born with something to create – that creation might be a child or a business or a garden or a circle of friends or a peace accord. Whatever it is will be personally beneficial for others. Blocked creative expression is as detrimental to your well-being as a drug addiction. A raging internal conflict between acting on creative impulses or settling for the status quo can eventually promote physical illness. This internal strife locks into the second chakra first and foremost because this is the vortex where you act on your convictions. You need to manifest your ideas and to make a difference in your world, whether your influence is enormous or small. The size of your action or gift is not the issue; the act of creation is.” 
I have been given many gifts, and each morning the gift of a new day to breathe, to create, to act. Yet I often ask myself “where is the action, I know the words, and I can talk the talk but how do I walk the talk?” Is what I am doing enough, sometimes yes and sometimes no, and sometimes we are not even aware to the little acts of giving that we share. Be grateful, Be mindful, and allow spirit to guide for each moment is an opportunity for wonder, for change, for the miracle to happen.
It was not supposed to be like this… blogging was to flow, writing was to be creative… the river has been blocked. The path strewn with debris…
The recent exhibits have been a success and I coasted on the praise and excitement of those of days, have step out into all forms of creative opportunities, art shows, faerie event, fellowship with recovery friends, yet still the shadows have fallen across my path…
“Sometimes we have to surrender to the not knowing. At other times, it is helpful to adventure outward & explore new possibilities. Like swashbucklers of the spirit, we bravely seek out any experience that might inform our path. When we are afraid of something, we live it fully and see what floats to the surface in the doing. We participate in our own revealing. We have faith in the shaping of what we cannot see.” Jeff Brown
Each moment of the year has its own beauty . . . a picture
which was never before and shall never be seen again.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
Nature is the art God.
-Ralph Waldo Emerson
There is something infinitely healing in the repeated refrains
of nature – the assurance that dawn comes after night,and
spring after the winter.
- Rachel Carson
Some of nature’s most exquisite handiwork is on a miniature
scale, as anyone knows who has applied a magnifying glass
to a snowflake.
- Rachel Carson
