There is a spell or a poem

A spell to Commit Pronoia, Jennifer Welwood

Willing to experience aloneness,

I discover connection everywhere;

Turning to face my fear,

I meet the warrior who lives within;

Opening to my loss,

I am given unimaginable gifts;

Surrendering into the emptiness,

I find fullness without end.

Each condition I flee from pursues me.

Each condition I welcome transforms me

And becomes itself transformed

Into its radiant jewel-like essence.

I bow to the one who had made it so,

Who has crafted this Master Game;

To play it is pure delight,

To honor it is true devotion.

This spell or poem spoke to me this morning while doing my practice of reading mediations. A reading mediation is one in which the language of the scripture, if you wish to use that “religious” word. A reading mediation can be a selections of passages from your favorite books or quotes that you may have accumulated in a journal or dairy. Words and language that your feel as you read them, I like to say them out loud, it gives me a sense of life, gives the words and lanuage energy, lets them loose on or into the Universe. As ritual passages they become more magical, reciting the words consciously allows for them to form, give meaning, allows you to feel and sense what they mean, how structure and or tone informs your spirit, breathe, take a moment between the sentences, hold the last one until it lets go.

Letting go informs your conscious you are ready to receive the next line, the next assistance, the next illumination, the next loving caress or uplifting phrase that will carry you on to the next.

Listen to your voice, the sound of it, are you quiet, is it tough or tender, are you commanding the words forth with projection, or are you meekly rendering them across the air into your space? Are those words intimate, are they strong and powerful, like a lover encouraging you on? Sudders my come, you may feel sweaty or faint, or nothing. If nothing, stop, breathe, re-set your intention, your purpose.

Read the previous sentence, or passage, feel it now, understand your pace, how does it feel now?

There are days that it becomes routine and you rush through the practice just to get on with your day, it is okay for now yet remember to embrace the practice next time. That energy and consciousness is what you take with you into your day. A word or a phrase may come to you when driving to work, or doing your chores, a conversation with a friend or even a stranger can sometimes remind you of who you are, and who you are seeking to become. In a flash or later in a thoughtful moment your warrior has come upon its weekness or its strenght, here is where the creative tools are brought forth to craft your being.

It is not perfection we seek even when it feels like that is so. It is the authentic self we seek and begin to know. In our aloneness we are not alone, in our fear we are fearless, in our pursuits we discover we can be transformed.

Delight in the journey, find laughter in the imperfection, and joy in the challenges. Embrace the gifts each moment offers.

There is that poem or passage, or even a spell that leads you…

 

For I will always find you…

Finding You in Beauty

Penetrating Light

The rays of light filtered through
The sentinels of trees this morning.
I sat in the garden and contemplated.
The serenity and beauty
Of my feelings and surroundings
Completely captivated me.

I thought of you

I thought of you.

I discovered you tucked away
In the shadows of the trees.
Then, rediscovered you
In the smiles of the flowers

tucked away

As the sun penetrated their petals
In the rhythm of the leaves
Falling in the garden
In the freedom of the birds
As they fly searching as you do.

ending beauty

I’m very happy to have found you,
Now you will never leave me
For I will always find you in the beauty of life.
–Walter Rinder

The Way of it… a challenge or an opportunity.

I have been writing morning pages for the past month that is one of the reasons blogs where being written or published. It is a month now that I have been in my new apartment and life seems to have a bit of flow to it again. So I share today’s page.

Morning Pages: February 10^th, 2015

I have desired to blog for weeks now and I have made one attempt or may be two, those attempts ended in not being published for some reason or other. Mostly because they didn’t feel like the words were correct or what I was trying to say or even wanted to say came across. Maybe I was protecting myself from more loss? For the expression of truthfulness seems to have caused so called friends to abandon their relationships with me. Maybe all I had to say and or do what said on Facebook while going through the process of clearing the house, the family home. Closing the book of family memories once and for all, packing and storing, and most of all throwing much of it in the trash, there is no way to really comprehend it all of that except having the experience. I suppose it is life event, the letting go of loved ones, the change or shift from one generation to the next. There seemed to be no support, there was none of the Hall Mark Moments of meaningful conversations, there was no cathartic conversations or Ah ha moments, there was just a sense of let’s get this done. Let’s finish this task and move on with our lives. Those moments where fraught with doing and not much Being present for the past, present for the memories that may inform, may enlighten one or all of us as a family as once being part of a family that shared growing together, share holidays and birthday,  shared lives and deaths. Instead separated lives were created and maintained, it was us against them. Or maybe I am only seeing the experience from my own perspective, or may own emotional or none emotional point of view.

I know that I seemed to have been robbed of my opportunity for grief by being placed into a situation that was a battle of wills and personalities. Where a friend was needed none arrived, what I was presented with was my own self will, a bit of self-defense, and then courage to move forward, to create the life I needed one step at a time. There was no time to wallow in grief, there was no time for depression there was only time for pushing through all the abandonment, all the loss, to live for the day. Was the tempers where quieted, once the smoke of battle was cleared, breaking camp, gathering the strength to move ahead. Relationships were broken; one even shattered in the winter freeze, there was only myself and Higher Power to truly depend on. Each day was a new moment to create a life from the rumble.  That is the journey, which is the past. I may wish to look back on it from time to time to inform me of where I have been, who I was and who I had to become through the process of this life event. Yet I will not linger there with the thoughts of if this would have happened, or if this person would have done this or that or such and such should have been there. Those thoughts are only thoughts of depression, those are wishful thinking.  I was granted my own vision, my own path. There were people that showed up, one was a virtual stranger, and she became the rescue angel. I am extremely grateful for her stepping up and gifting me with the hope that life was going to work out; giving me the distraction of creative work to accomplish that occupied my time and my mind. The encouragement was there is gentle asking or informing this is what is next. Listening while I let go of all the frustration and anger as well as listening to the tasks of everyday moving forward even when it felt like nothing was ever going to change.

Of course there were others there too. Fellowships in the form of meetings, there was daily readings and mediation of those readings, there were text and rides, there where phone calls to relieve the frustration. There were many walks in the park with Muffin and photograph taking. There were many moments of letting go, being willing to do whatever it was I had to do to get through the day, sober and sane. Asking for what I needed even when I didn’t really know what I needed or if I did how I was going to acquire any of it. I had to surrender many many times; to get out of my own way and let the Universe inform my intuition that one path was better than another.

I have been given a new opportunity or course each day is a new opportunity to create that which I need in my life. I have been granted a new place to live which met most of all of my desire, the most important a place to live with Muffin, place that I am responsible for. It is not exactly what I envisioned yet it very comfortable, if I am to be alone than alone in my own space, my own home is preferable than alone among others. I can and will cultivate new friends, new creative and healing opportunities. There are days I wish those where all in place already yet what it means is that I still have barriers to break through, my own fear, my own self-worth and self-love. Being responsible for everyday life, and the events that make that function, healthy eating, daily walking, morning prayers/meditations/readings, getting the rest I need. Asking and or seeking help when needed not expecting someone to come rescue me. That someone is myself that someone or something, is knowing that the Universe gives you exactly what you need when you need it.

I have been truly blessed!

Each person showed up with their gifts whether I received their gifts as a challenger or a reward those people were true to themselves. Each situation was an opportunity to experience life and use creative tools to move ahead I am thankful for each of those.

In relationship

You have nothing to learn about relationships. You have only to demonstrate what you already know. Conversations with God Bk 1

Painted sky

In the past few days I have been asked about relationships, and I certainly not an expert, and up front I just wish to state I have not been in what A Course in Miracles calls a “special” relationship for a long long time. The longest relationship I have had is with myself, re-discovering who I am is a full-time activity. It is not until I can be in a fully authentic, healthy, growing relationship with myself and my Higher Power that I will expand that experience to a special or romantic relationship. I will say here that I am closer to that now than I have ever been. Within that statement is the beginning of moving beyond the self-imposed victimhood, the self-imposed denial of a special/romantic relationship. For I desired to find out who I was in relationship to everything else in my life. How I respond or react to social, emotional, financial, physical situations, mostly I withdrew. I withdrew out of anger and fear, I withdrew because no one or nothing could live up to me expectations of them. For my expectations or ideals caused me great hurt, when they where suppose to be emanating Love. When I sought Love from the world around me, I was met with everything that did not look or act like love. I caused great grief and depression.

Painted tree tops

What I have learned through experience is that I have to Be Love, I have to come from a loving place whether others are loving or not. I have to find and experience the spirit in each and every situation, no I still don’t get there all the time but I know now how too, I know now when I am not there, when my expectations are leading the way, (ego) when I am seeking something from some one or something, and not just being fully present in the chaos and even joy to bring and be happiness. Asking myself is this who I am, is this who I desire to be at this moment, is this a loving thought or action, if not how can I Be more loving in this situation?

In the Book Conversations with God Book: an uncommon dialogue. Book 1, Neale Donald Walsch is in conversational dialogue with God, ( I know I hear your doubt or maybe I even hear your joy) this book to me has been the doors and windows to my soul, the light on my path, the scripture I keep returning to, the guidance I seek when I am off the path.  Conversations with God (CwG) is a book about relationships, a book about how to be in relationships with yourself with your understanding of who and what God is to you, it is about our relationship with everything, it is about Oneness without ever saying so out rightly.

There is one chapter in CwG 1 that discussing “relationships” loud and clear. Chapter 8 in this chapter Neale ask what we all ask “Is there a way to be happy in relationships?” And God answers with this at the beginning, “Relationship are constantly challenging; constantly calling you to create, express, and experience higher and higher aspects of yourself, grander and grander visions of yourself, ever more magnificent versions of yourself. Nowhere can you do this more immediately, impactfully, and immaculately than in relationships. In fact, without relationships, you can not do it at all.”

These words sung to me, enlightened my path, all it’s defects, and imperfections,  my experience with all my relationships, but first it destroyed all my notions of relationships, and many relationships I had to reevaluate, and many were left behind, so that the beauty and creativity of relationship could begin to inform and grow in grander and grander experience. My heart broke open, sadness and joy danced together, one informing the other, that a balance was the way to live in happiness.

So it was myself I had to put first, not in an egoic way for I had already walked that path, now was a time to find out who I was and it was not what I was told by others, because living my life the way I had lived thus far, in the world was the world lived by others, unconscious doing. CwG once again makes this statement and I think many, if not all people seeking, walking a spiritual path will need to ask and find out. God says; … determining what is best for you will require you to also determine what it is you are trying to do. This is an important step that many people ignore. What are you “up to”? What is your purpose in life”? Without answers to these questions, the matter of what is “best” in any given circumstance with remain a mystery.”

one of many paths

For now I am leaving the mystery to you to find out. My blog/morning pages have been about re-discovering who I am in relationship to myself, my creativity, and the world around me. For without walking that path, without being conscious relationships are unhappy and unfullfilling… Life is one of the most amazing adventures we experience on this plane, living in from the heart fully present is a blessing to all Life.

Growth question: Do you know what you life purpose is? Do you know what you are up to?

I am Love, Jeff