Category Archives: perception

There is a spell or a poem

A spell to Commit Pronoia, Jennifer Welwood

Willing to experience aloneness,

I discover connection everywhere;

Turning to face my fear,

I meet the warrior who lives within;

Opening to my loss,

I am given unimaginable gifts;

Surrendering into the emptiness,

I find fullness without end.

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Each condition I flee from pursues me.

Each condition I welcome transforms me

And becomes itself transformed

Into its radiant jewel-like essence.

I bow to the one who had made it so,

Who has crafted this Master Game;

To play it is pure delight,

To honor it is true devotion.

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This spell or poem spoke to me this morning while doing my practice of reading mediations. A reading mediation is one in which the language of the scripture, if you wish to use that “religious” word. A reading mediation can be a selections of passages from your favorite books or quotes that you may have accumulated in a journal or dairy. Words and language that your feel as you read them, I like to say them out loud, it gives me a sense of life, gives the words and lanuage energy, lets them loose on or into the Universe. As ritual passages they become more magical, reciting the words consciously allows for them to form, give meaning, allows you to feel and sense what they mean, how structure and or tone informs your spirit, breathe, take a moment between the sentences, hold the last one until it lets go.

Letting go informs your conscious you are ready to receive the next line, the next assistance, the next illumination, the next loving caress or uplifting phrase that will carry you on to the next.

Listen to your voice, the sound of it, are you quiet, is it tough or tender, are you commanding the words forth with projection, or are you meekly rendering them across the air into your space? Are those words intimate, are they strong and powerful, like a lover encouraging you on? Sudders my come, you may feel sweaty or faint, or nothing. If nothing, stop, breathe, re-set your intention, your purpose.

Read the previous sentence, or passage, feel it now, understand your pace, how does it feel now?

There are days that it becomes routine and you rush through the practice just to get on with your day, it is okay for now yet remember to embrace the practice next time. That energy and consciousness is what you take with you into your day. A word or a phrase may come to you when driving to work, or doing your chores, a conversation with a friend or even a stranger can sometimes remind you of who you are, and who you are seeking to become. In a flash or later in a thoughtful moment your warrior has come upon its weekness or its strenght, here is where the creative tools are brought forth to craft your being.

It is not perfection we seek even when it feels like that is so. It is the authentic self we seek and begin to know. In our aloneness we are not alone, in our fear we are fearless, in our pursuits we discover we can be transformed.

Delight in the journey, find laughter in the imperfection, and joy in the challenges. Embrace the gifts each moment offers.

There is that poem or passage, or even a spell that leads you…

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Hiding or preparing?

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While in the shower this morning that voice that seems to get stimulated when you are cleansing yourself from the day before preparing to the day ahead, that voice, the voice that comes to you in the silence, not the neighbors voice from the shared wall in the bathroom. Your voice taking to you, sometime he is the gremlin chattering in you head about all the “failure” or “not enough” you know, the coulda, woulda, you shoulda done this or this or this. Well we are here now so none of the applies here.

The shower voice said, ” You’re hiding. You have been hiding since your left Easton Mt and returned home to NJ. Not just while you where caring for your mother, not while you were grieving for her and Riley, not since  you became to elder generation, not since you seemed to have disappointed people who were close to you or they disappointed you by not showing up as authentic as  you thought they were.”

During those times you managed to move forward, to show up, to get everyday living opportunities to assist you, you continued to do  your practice of spiritual reading and morning pages in some form or another. You walked everyday with Muffin and took photo’s while building a new life for yourself. Not bad,  you accomplished activities on your own, continued to share your work with galleries, exhibition, on your Redbubble site.

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Than Muffin was gone and I had no excuse to really go out anymore, oh sure you did for a while yet slowing those moments got to be less and less, those walks a bit boring, same old, same old. Five months ago, I stopped doing my morning pages and the reading of inspiring tracts to stimulate the emotional/spiritual sense of who I am. I thought I wanted more or I needed more. More what I didn’t know. The practice was no longer effective in many ways. Reading inspiring language is a powerful  experience when you can place them in action in your daily life. My life was just me.

Yes life still goes on, I continue to find ways to self improve through healthy eating by preparing meals from scratch, I have fallen in love with food blogs, I continue to discover how I can show up in the world even when I can hardly afford to show up in the world. A year and half ago I began to incorporate essential oils into my daily life while also learning how EO’s work with the body, mind, and spirit while improving all around health. I was uncomfortable for a while sharing this with other, so I researched, I watched video’s, I attended on-line Essential oil classes, social network seminars, pod cast, etc. Once again I have knowledge and wisdom about something I believe in yet the fear jumps in the way.

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For many years I have sought to share what I know, and I don’t know anymore than many other people, What I sought to accomplish is to guide and coach people into a fully integrated way of living. Seeking to do so and believing I could are two separate actions.

I am I a good enough example, are my life experiences and story interesting enough for people to seek me out for advice/guidance? Do people believe in me? Will they believe in me? Sometimes you just have to jump off the ledge, you have to let go of the and enjoy the roller coaster ride! I am going off the ledge, I have shooting around the next bend on the ride called life.

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Was I hiding or preparing? Is there a difference ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Unfolding

How many times have I considered returning to theses pages, to blog again, I truly don’t know yet what I do know this blog and the practice of  writing here is like a friend to me that I have left behind and wish to reconnect and build a stronger conscious relationship with.

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cloud magic

I wrote in my morning pages that I have so many parts of me that make who I am who I am and the  person and or being is ever-changing, well not really changing, manifesting, evolving into a whole presence of being.

A year and 10 months ago when I began the new phase in life it was fresh start and the old challenges and daily struggles gone. I was truly on my own which was at first lonely, no not lonely I had felt abandoned, everything and everyone I once knew and counted on was gone, or seemed that way. I had to become responsible for myself which meant uncovering who I was now. As I unpacked boxes from a lifetime ago that had been in storage the old me began to emerge again, some of that person I did not wish to experience again, so he was set aside. There were recent creative activities I had even let go of that I now wish to bring forward once again.

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suspended leaves

Those being the healer, of course I had healing of my own to do first. Being the healer meant I can share my wisdom and knowledge to those around me in whatever form that showed up as. The healing of self began  with eating healthier, getting exercise, building new social and creative connections and relationships. Ever growing, evolving and experiencing life in the present.

Willing to experience aloneness,

I discovered connection everywhere,

Turning to face my fear,

I meet the warrior who lives within;

Opening to my loss,

I am given unimaginable gifts;

Surrendering into emptiness,

I find fullness without end.

 

Each condition I flee from pursues me.

Each condition I welcome transforms me

And become itself transformed

Into its radiant jewel-like essence.

I bow to the one who made it so,

Who has crafted this Master Game;

To play it is pure delight,

To honor it is true devotion.

Jennifer Welwood: psychotherapist

 

I discovered this poem this morning which resonated with who I am becoming. The following blogs will illuminate that process of awareness. Who will show up are the many facets of my being, the inperfect self improving being we all have the opportunity to become.

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unfolding morning glory

 

 

 

 

The Art of answers and questions…

I cannot expect even my own art to provide the answers—only to hope it keeps asking the right questions. Grace Hartigan

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That art is the art of being an example of how to be fully present in the world, even when fear and sadness which try to invade from every other direction. Yet it from within that the right questions are asked  so that hope can bring the answers forth to be shining beacons on the present, guiding us to a fuller better improved future, for it is in the now that the future is planted, it is the days that follow that the future is nurtured and tended lovingly, compassionately offering the best solutions during the evolution of the human population and the evolution of the planet for its continual growth.

gaggle of geese
gaggle of geese

Yes I was gifted with the art of photography, I was sent out to use that gift to acknowledge the land, the planet, even if is just my small little bit of it, the everyday moments, the daily life that is there for us to see, as well as admire, to bring a smile, a warm thought. Whether it is the sunlight shining through the leaves on a tree, or the shimmer the light makes across the water of the lake, did you notice, squirrel scurry up that tree, did he stop and chatter at you? Are there rabbits along the edges of the bushes, look there they are! What color is the sky today? Pale blue, azure blue, grey looking like rain or snow, are there clouds, what kind, what do they look like, are they still or swiftly moving across the landscape? Did you notice birds flying there in the blue of the sky, did you recognize one or another, where you captured by their flight, how they move, up and down, or flapping wings like crazy to get to the next place, maybe there was one that captured your attention because it seem to float and rotate around the sky seeking something? Amazing right? All of that life surrounds you as you walk even if it is just to your car to get to one place or another. Were there people who you went past as you headed out, your neighbor, the mailman, a stranger walking their dog, did you acknowledge them or they you? A smile, and good morning, hey what up? This life, this is the fullness of life, the everyday events, pay attention to them they are just as important as any other activity in your life. Who knows that glimpse of a squirrel or rabbit, the flash of a bird flying across the cloud filled sky, the person you greeted or greeted you may be just the event that can shift your life to a fuller awareness of the beauty the surrounds you.

Oneness
Oneness

These are only small incidence that make up our daily lives, look around at the art of creation, look around at the creativity of evolution, and experience the grandest of a friendship with the planet and the other creatures that inhabit the same space each one contributing to its future.

Beyond the Clouds

I needed write something besides my daily activities from the day before, I need to shine light in my soul as well as out into the world. More and more I believe that my most pleasurable place is here writing even when the writing is not so good, but the fact that I get to create a world I wish to see, a world I wish to live in and do live in much of the time. There are moments that we have to stand outside of ourselves to see what surrounds and informs us of who we are, we tend to take the everyday for granted, while it continues to bless us with a powerful experience, Life!

in the details
in the details

Say thank you, remember to be grateful for it all, the good and the bad, the good we expect that bad not so much, but it is in the challenge that pulls us up, informs us of who we are, reflects back to us the person we have become. Is that person someone your admire, is that person who you thought you were, or are there more experiences that you must meet to continue on your journey? It is not about more things, and stuff that you have, it is about who you are and who you present to the world. Yes sometimes he or she may not so pretty to witness yet there are those moments when we shine with all the glory that we are at the moment. Hold them like jewels, to enrich the magic of your presence, let them shine, share those facets with the world around for there are more and plenty to share. The more you share the more there is.

Thank you for reading and viewing this blog, the photos will be released to my store front within a few hours. Please pop over and give them a view there.

New Walking paths

My present walking paths in Haddon Lake Park, which was once Crystal Lake. Tree lined and stream follow the path.

Tree lined path
Tree lined path
Elders
Elders
casting light
casting light
Open space
Open space
Into the shadows
Into the shadows
Walk along
Walk along

I believe the first living cell

Had echoes of the future in it, and felt

Direction and the great animals, the deep green forest

A the whale’s track sea; I believe this globed earth

Not all by chance and fortune brings forth her broods,

But feels and chooses. And the Galaxy, the firewheel

On which we are pinned, the whirlwind of stars in which our sun is one dust-grain, one electron, this giant atom of the universe

Is not blind force, but fulfills it’s life and intends its course.

Robinson Jeffers, De Rerum Virtute

The leaf !

Before another moment passes, and I am distracted by all the distraction of life. I am here, to write, well to offer you a view. This blog is about art, about photography, the process and the facts.

So Fridays will become Photo Fridays where Photographs will rule the page.

For years I have been fascinated by leaves, all seasons, all weather, and I have photographed them from buds, to blooms, to full fledge green flags flipping in the wind! To what I present today, fallen leaves, carpets of leaves.

Recently I have been photographing fallen leaves, a bit from above, shooting down at them, more fascinating is laying on the ground with me, ant level.

So the new series is being presented. With a poem “Dead Leaves” by MdAsadullah

embrace
embrace

Never think that dead leaves cannot speak.
Words can be uttered without mouth or beak.
Come in heard to hear and they’ll remain mum.
To hear them in solitude you need to come.

are they lonely
are they lonely
are you listening
are you listening

Loneliness and silence are their best friend.
You can listen only if truth you seek and intend.
If you’ve mind and heart to listen, men of clay!
Words more worthy than living they can say.

Heart is strong
Heart is strong
They will whisper..
They will whisper..

If your heart is strong and if you have no fear.
Then in storms they are very loud, very clear.
And if your heart is weak in breeze come near.
Truth of this life they will whisper in your ear.

patterns
patterns
did they speak
did they speak

 

I am grateful to have you walk this path with me today. I am honored to share these wondrous creations, the leaf with whoever wanders down a path. Please “see” .

All Photographs can be found here

What is true, what is pretense, what is…

inward
inward

 

it feels like everything that came before has been a pretense, a false start. as I grasps for my reality this morning my serenity is devolving into a massive heap on the floor, like scattered dirty laundry, colorful but smelling of being worn to long. The endless weeks of being weakened by a cold, has left my plans and projects sitting collecting dust. Has caused loneliness and emptiness to seep into the fabric of my being. i have missed events I wished to attend to photograph and be part of. Willing to spend my last few dollars to do so.

Is this illness, this cold, the flu, the true culprit or the endless dreams and visions which seem to energize my being for short periods of time, that keep drifting off like a mirage, wafts of smoke from a conjurors magic spell? Am I truly lost, have a just been spinning narratives in my mind. Have I truly failed at my life’s purpose?

How do I keep going, when my dreams and visions don’t seem to fit into a world that no longer cares for magic for healing, for beautiful?

shadowed wall/closed window.
shadowed wall/closed window.

I surrender now, I let go. Right now I am fighting the demons of illness. My center has been blasted out of me! It is debris, it is trash. Is there still worthy pieces, can they be upcycled, reinvented? Do I just burn them all and scatter the ashes in the ground hoping natures has use for them?

Waking up, feeling like you have not slept, body sore, chest heavy, the head in urgent need of coffee. Coffee cold but drunk, like an achlie’s long needed fix to face the day.

Stark blank screen endlessly fills with words, streaming out some thoughtful, many just flowing from one place to the next.

Coffees fresh and hot now. or was when I started. Nothing changed since I sat down to write, or has it?

There is no blame, there is no what if’s, should haves, there is knowing that it is within me, to show up. I showed up, this is the present. Is the future I wish to have? Not at all!

Illness, attracts ego playing mind games, playing tricks, making fun. Well it is not fun. Ego, get out-of-the-way, we have better things to do that lay about feeling sorry for ourselves. Is one step at a time, one activity at a time.

Breaking through
Breaking through

Let the little glimmers of light break through. The world is created within the steps, moving forward while sometimes going around or over.

 

Dear Volcano (writing 101)

Hi Hi Hi ...

Dear Volcano

 

It seems I have a volcano within my being or maybe just in my crazy mixed up head? Is a volcano a mountain I need to climb and explore? Is it the inner workings, the heat, the fire, the massive pushing and pulling that creates the mountain that needs attention?

I’m talking about this writing course. I took this on because I thought it would be a good way to enhance what I was already blogging/writing about. Maybe it will but right now, it is painful. No not really painful, frustrating and confusing.

Writing has always been more of a stream of consciousness process. Usually prompted by something I read, a meditative reading from a book or poem not these crazy seemingly off the wall assignments. If I wanted fucking assignments I would go back to school. Okay, okay, I am not being graded. Yes I know I took this on myself. So there is no one to point fingers at except yourself, your desire to learn, to improve.

So Volcano if you are pushing the plates together, heating up the lava, spewing smoke and ash up to the surface please feel free to do so. I am so behind in these assignments that I almost quit. Quitting means the frustration would only boil over sometime later in another fashion or other.

The idea of prompts with a twist was fun at first. I found creative ways to still write non-fiction blogs based on what is or has happened in my life. Than the subjects became more difficult in the fact that I had to use voices that were not mine. I was asked to make up a story. Use my imagination, what are  you kidding. Oy!

So Volcano you roared some more but did not produce. Oh maybe a little? There are a couple of drafts in your files to re-read, edit, and finish up, that may work. There are rumblings in my head, stories I keep going over, yet ego says, “you’re not ready for that type of writing. This is not what your blog is about.”   So you calm down for a while. Later in the day the emails come with new ideas, new assignments, new tips on how to go about this or that.  I love those links that offer more advice from established writers. They offer ideas and reassurance that all is good in the world. The rumbling and smoke is all part of the building of the process.

Yours Truly,

The writer within

 

Well there that wasn’t so bad was it? Ha ha. I want to thank Kaye for her blog this morning writing on the positive side, the gratefulness of the process, even when she can’t find the time, etc. Here is the link to her story.

Assignment:

Pick up the nearest book and flip to page 29. What’s the first word that jumps off the page? Use this word as your springboard for inspiration. Today’s twist: write the post in the form of a letter.

There are values in pain…

There are values in pain that are difficult
to see without the presence of a guest.

Don’t complain about autumn.
Walk with grief like a good friend.
Listen to what he says.

Sometimes the cold and dark of a cave
give the opening we most want.

–Rumi

 

A little over two years ago I noticed my Mom’s mind wasn’t functioning properly and when we had an appointment at the her Dr’s I ask about it. I wasn’t really used to being around mom that much at the time. She had a man friend and they would travel back and forth from Vermont to Myrtle Beach, stopping here on occasion for Holidays and Dr appointments. At that time I ask to see the Dr as well, to check her responses to normal questions. In his office she seemed to have answered correctly, even with being a bit distracted. Mom was not a very good listener, usually ready with a question about something else, maybe it was a way to deflect until she remembered.

Mom

Sometime later at her Heart Dr’s appointment, the Dr even came out to me to explain what she was to do for her self-care. He was concerned because she would not focus, and didn’t understand what he was trying to tell her, mentioning he would talk with her regular Dr. when I mentioned that we had discussed her memory issues and he was not concerned at this time.

At that point she went off with Lee, her man friend, I am sure which direction at the time. Her greatest joy was being with Lee and his Shih tzu Billy. She had a whole other family and friends there that she no longer had at home in NJ. Sometime later 3 months maybe she came home basicly  for good. Lee was concerned for her and he was having his own health problems.

Taking this walk with her was not my planned version of end life process, yet I was giving the task of being her caregiver, unprepared in every conceivable way. I began walking the autumn path of grief, anger and frustration with her it was not a happy time.

Continue reading There are values in pain…