The only way is through…

Yesterday I placed myself in the experience of not getting into action because the gremlin on my shoulder or in my head kept say; “you’re not ready yet, you don’t know what you’re doing!” On and on that voice clouding my actions, dimming my emotions, lowering my defenses.

The Universe was showing me the path, offering me the guidance, even the permission to get into action whether I am or feel ready. This morning one more “sign” presented itself which placed me in an attitude of gratitude as well as a state of tears. I was extremely touched by response to a photo and status I had posted after a long day of trying to show up. Along with that I received a post and message using one of my photos for a class that was beginning in May. The course is presented by Robin Rice, titled Speaking Your Sage; Writing Your Wise. The study is a practice in telling our stories, in a form that allows one to expressed their creativity through art, writing, painting, photography, coaching, and most of all being authentic.

I was denying myself this activity,  maybe denying is not the activity, I was keeping myself small, I would illuminate small areas of my life and creativity only once in a while, because I was unclear what I had to offer with those actions, who I am, the voice would say, what do you know, the voice would announce. I stepped back from showing up, oh yes, I was there but only on the surface, on the edges, in the mean time my life experiences kept getting smaller rather then expanding and evolving.

One of voices the Universe used was of Barbra Streisand’s rendition of Sondheim’s “Putting it Together” where she is releasing a new CD of songs, while I am about to launch a wellness practice that I have been preparing, researching, learning about etc… therefore these words resonated,

A vision’s just a vision if it’s only in your head
If no one gets to hear it, it’s as good as dead
It has to come to life
Bit by bit, putting it together
Piece by piece, only way to make a work of art
Every moment makes a contribution
Every little detail plays a part
Having just a vision’s no solution
Everything depends on execution
Putting it together, that’s what counts…

Who am I? I have gift to share, a voice to share my story, my experience. All the knowledge  I have cluttering up my head serves no one, every class, video, podcast, workshop in the recent days have stated the gifts are to share. I recovery we taught, even if you have one day, to the person who just walked into the room you have something to share.

No everything is not in place, yet enough to start, there is nothing to go around the process is through. I have to go through with the knowledge; most of all, life experience. I don’t know everything, yet I offer what I have,  learn and evolved.

What do you have to go through to get to where you wish to Be?

Hiding or preparing?

 

While in the shower this morning that voice that seems to get stimulated when you are cleansing yourself from the day before preparing to the day ahead, that voice, the voice that comes to you in the silence, not the neighbors voice from the shared wall in the bathroom. Your voice taking to you, sometime he is the gremlin chattering in you head about all the “failure” or “not enough” you know, the coulda, woulda, you shoulda done this or this or this. Well we are here now so none of the applies here.

The shower voice said, ” You’re hiding. You have been hiding since your left Easton Mt and returned home to NJ. Not just while you where caring for your mother, not while you were grieving for her and Riley, not since  you became to elder generation, not since you seemed to have disappointed people who were close to you or they disappointed you by not showing up as authentic as  you thought they were.”

During those times you managed to move forward, to show up, to get everyday living opportunities to assist you, you continued to do  your practice of spiritual reading and morning pages in some form or another. You walked everyday with Muffin and took photo’s while building a new life for yourself. Not bad,  you accomplished activities on your own, continued to share your work with galleries, exhibition, on your Redbubble site.

Than Muffin was gone and I had no excuse to really go out anymore, oh sure you did for a while yet slowing those moments got to be less and less, those walks a bit boring, same old, same old. Five months ago, I stopped doing my morning pages and the reading of inspiring tracts to stimulate the emotional/spiritual sense of who I am. I thought I wanted more or I needed more. More what I didn’t know. The practice was no longer effective in many ways. Reading inspiring language is a powerful  experience when you can place them in action in your daily life. My life was just me.

Yes life still goes on, I continue to find ways to self improve through healthy eating by preparing meals from scratch, I have fallen in love with food blogs, I continue to discover how I can show up in the world even when I can hardly afford to show up in the world. A year and half ago I began to incorporate essential oils into my daily life while also learning how EO’s work with the body, mind, and spirit while improving all around health. I was uncomfortable for a while sharing this with other, so I researched, I watched video’s, I attended on-line Essential oil classes, social network seminars, pod cast, etc. Once again I have knowledge and wisdom about something I believe in yet the fear jumps in the way.

For many years I have sought to share what I know, and I don’t know anymore than many other people, What I sought to accomplish is to guide and coach people into a fully integrated way of living. Seeking to do so and believing I could are two separate actions.

I am I a good enough example, are my life experiences and story interesting enough for people to seek me out for advice/guidance? Do people believe in me? Will they believe in me? Sometimes you just have to jump off the ledge, you have to let go of the and enjoy the roller coaster ride! I am going off the ledge, I have shooting around the next bend on the ride called life.

Was I hiding or preparing? Is there a difference ?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The Way of it… a challenge or an opportunity.

I have been writing morning pages for the past month that is one of the reasons blogs where being written or published. It is a month now that I have been in my new apartment and life seems to have a bit of flow to it again. So I share today’s page.

Morning Pages: February 10^th, 2015

I have desired to blog for weeks now and I have made one attempt or may be two, those attempts ended in not being published for some reason or other. Mostly because they didn’t feel like the words were correct or what I was trying to say or even wanted to say came across. Maybe I was protecting myself from more loss? For the expression of truthfulness seems to have caused so called friends to abandon their relationships with me. Maybe all I had to say and or do what said on Facebook while going through the process of clearing the house, the family home. Closing the book of family memories once and for all, packing and storing, and most of all throwing much of it in the trash, there is no way to really comprehend it all of that except having the experience. I suppose it is life event, the letting go of loved ones, the change or shift from one generation to the next. There seemed to be no support, there was none of the Hall Mark Moments of meaningful conversations, there was no cathartic conversations or Ah ha moments, there was just a sense of let’s get this done. Let’s finish this task and move on with our lives. Those moments where fraught with doing and not much Being present for the past, present for the memories that may inform, may enlighten one or all of us as a family as once being part of a family that shared growing together, share holidays and birthday,  shared lives and deaths. Instead separated lives were created and maintained, it was us against them. Or maybe I am only seeing the experience from my own perspective, or may own emotional or none emotional point of view.

I know that I seemed to have been robbed of my opportunity for grief by being placed into a situation that was a battle of wills and personalities. Where a friend was needed none arrived, what I was presented with was my own self will, a bit of self-defense, and then courage to move forward, to create the life I needed one step at a time. There was no time to wallow in grief, there was no time for depression there was only time for pushing through all the abandonment, all the loss, to live for the day. Was the tempers where quieted, once the smoke of battle was cleared, breaking camp, gathering the strength to move ahead. Relationships were broken; one even shattered in the winter freeze, there was only myself and Higher Power to truly depend on. Each day was a new moment to create a life from the rumble.  That is the journey, which is the past. I may wish to look back on it from time to time to inform me of where I have been, who I was and who I had to become through the process of this life event. Yet I will not linger there with the thoughts of if this would have happened, or if this person would have done this or that or such and such should have been there. Those thoughts are only thoughts of depression, those are wishful thinking.  I was granted my own vision, my own path. There were people that showed up, one was a virtual stranger, and she became the rescue angel. I am extremely grateful for her stepping up and gifting me with the hope that life was going to work out; giving me the distraction of creative work to accomplish that occupied my time and my mind. The encouragement was there is gentle asking or informing this is what is next. Listening while I let go of all the frustration and anger as well as listening to the tasks of everyday moving forward even when it felt like nothing was ever going to change.

Of course there were others there too. Fellowships in the form of meetings, there was daily readings and mediation of those readings, there were text and rides, there where phone calls to relieve the frustration. There were many walks in the park with Muffin and photograph taking. There were many moments of letting go, being willing to do whatever it was I had to do to get through the day, sober and sane. Asking for what I needed even when I didn’t really know what I needed or if I did how I was going to acquire any of it. I had to surrender many many times; to get out of my own way and let the Universe inform my intuition that one path was better than another.

I have been given a new opportunity or course each day is a new opportunity to create that which I need in my life. I have been granted a new place to live which met most of all of my desire, the most important a place to live with Muffin, place that I am responsible for. It is not exactly what I envisioned yet it very comfortable, if I am to be alone than alone in my own space, my own home is preferable than alone among others. I can and will cultivate new friends, new creative and healing opportunities. There are days I wish those where all in place already yet what it means is that I still have barriers to break through, my own fear, my own self-worth and self-love. Being responsible for everyday life, and the events that make that function, healthy eating, daily walking, morning prayers/meditations/readings, getting the rest I need. Asking and or seeking help when needed not expecting someone to come rescue me. That someone is myself that someone or something, is knowing that the Universe gives you exactly what you need when you need it.

I have been truly blessed!

Each person showed up with their gifts whether I received their gifts as a challenger or a reward those people were true to themselves. Each situation was an opportunity to experience life and use creative tools to move ahead I am thankful for each of those.

What is true, what is pretense, what is…

inward

 

it feels like everything that came before has been a pretense, a false start. as I grasps for my reality this morning my serenity is devolving into a massive heap on the floor, like scattered dirty laundry, colorful but smelling of being worn to long. The endless weeks of being weakened by a cold, has left my plans and projects sitting collecting dust. Has caused loneliness and emptiness to seep into the fabric of my being. i have missed events I wished to attend to photograph and be part of. Willing to spend my last few dollars to do so.

Is this illness, this cold, the flu, the true culprit or the endless dreams and visions which seem to energize my being for short periods of time, that keep drifting off like a mirage, wafts of smoke from a conjurors magic spell? Am I truly lost, have a just been spinning narratives in my mind. Have I truly failed at my life’s purpose?

How do I keep going, when my dreams and visions don’t seem to fit into a world that no longer cares for magic for healing, for beautiful?

shadowed wall/closed window.

I surrender now, I let go. Right now I am fighting the demons of illness. My center has been blasted out of me! It is debris, it is trash. Is there still worthy pieces, can they be upcycled, reinvented? Do I just burn them all and scatter the ashes in the ground hoping natures has use for them?

Waking up, feeling like you have not slept, body sore, chest heavy, the head in urgent need of coffee. Coffee cold but drunk, like an achlie’s long needed fix to face the day.

Stark blank screen endlessly fills with words, streaming out some thoughtful, many just flowing from one place to the next.

Coffees fresh and hot now. or was when I started. Nothing changed since I sat down to write, or has it?

There is no blame, there is no what if’s, should haves, there is knowing that it is within me, to show up. I showed up, this is the present. Is the future I wish to have? Not at all!

Illness, attracts ego playing mind games, playing tricks, making fun. Well it is not fun. Ego, get out-of-the-way, we have better things to do that lay about feeling sorry for ourselves. Is one step at a time, one activity at a time.

Breaking through

Let the little glimmers of light break through. The world is created within the steps, moving forward while sometimes going around or over.

 

The Key is to…

“And what’s funny is that if we take small steps each day, each moment, when we look back, we can be amazed at how far we’ve come. The key is to not let the chaos and the pain stop you, but to realize that they are also an important and vital part of life.”  Mastin Kipp: The Daily Love Blog 

twist of chaos

The whole purpose to write, to journal is to take those small steps each day. After I wrote yesterday the censor came to visit, saying ” Yo! People don’t want to read this stuff everyday.” I know that and these pages are not for people, they are for me, my personal journey through everyday stuff.  If others receive insight, wisdom, clarity, or guidance good for them!

Through the fog of one of my recurring headaches I stumble on to these pages. The day always begins with attention to the dogs. Riley now infirm, doesn’t move around much, so cleanup is a necessary step. Make the coffee, walk Muffin in the freezing weather. She is such a joy, she reminds me to laugh. If I let her out before I get all my warm clothes on she will just basically stand there waiting. As soon as I walk outside, she falls to the ground and rolls over, rolling about. Seemingly saying “here I am dad play with me. Rub my belly. ” Because we are not going anywhere very fast until I do just that.

Cheeky Muffin

The shadows of the Moon greeted us this morning at 5:45 am. Grateful for no wind, the trees created beautiful shadows, and picture perfect moments of clouds, moon lit paths… I thought I should have my camera, than about photos already taken I could use here. Breathing the fresh frozen air seem to cool the headache a bit as we walked in the almost silent silvery  moment.

Digging out “the Artist’s Way” from under pile other books which cover many spaces of shelves, desks, and surface,  because I had the sense that  I may need to explain what morning pages are, or maybe just remind myself of their purpose! Distracted by trying to discover the proper use of they’re, there, and their. Oy!

 

Finding and opening “the Artist’s Way” is like reconnecting to an old friend. There is warm and encouragement in the words, in the process of taking action to unravel or understand the chaos of daily life. The daily life of just doing. Going about from one thing to another without much thought just to get a chore done or a meal made, or a medication given. The sameness of it all is dull, boring, and blocking of much of my creative juice.  Oh god this is difficult, the headache just wants to push everything else out-of-the-way.

Morning pages are to be “three pages” stream of consciousness writing, everyday, for no one else but ourselves. They are to shine light in the dull boring places of blockage, to awaken us to our creativity. There are no right or wrong ways to write your pages.  They are not a story or essay, there are more or less ramblelings of a mad man… it is about recovery of creativity, getting out of our own way.  From there everything else may flow. Or not?

The censor/ego even began to assert itself when there was only one comment to the blog, and then two more when I re-posted on my FB “Nature Spirit Photography page. Which is  underused ! As stated above censor almost caused me not to write this morning, suggesting that no one wants to read this stuff every day. I don’t care.  do I ?

Shadow play

A thought came to me on the walk back to the house, something about is not bravery facing the fear, is not bravery being present amongst the chaos of everyday challenges. The dragon I have to tame is myself, the dragon is part of me but is not me in completion. Dragon is the roaring defense of loss, confusion. The protector as.  Are loss/pain and chaos not the keys to letting go, to moving on, to getting over or through the block?

To view and or purchase photos go here

 

 

Rarely have we seen a person fail…

who has throughly  followed our path.” Big statement yet placed with honesty, and continual practice of service to a Higher Power through the steady conscious awareness of self in daily readiness to help another human being.

Glimmers of light

At 12:00 am today I was led out of a tunnel of darkness, into a room full of light, well really crowded with men and women sitting around a table and lining the walls of a strip mall store, drinking coffee, smoking and chatting among themselves. Actually they were reading from a book,  a little blue book, The 12 & 12, which was either shared with me by the person next to me or I was given one while being shown which page and paragraph they were on. Yes I was late to my first AA Meeting at the Malvern Club House.

24 Years ago today those people in that crowded smoked filled room help me begin to change me life, one day at a time.  Being desperate enough to finely seek help for my drinking which had recently gotten me arrested for public lewdness or disturbance. My lover of the past few years had offered me a ultimatum,  it was him or the booze and crazy behavior alcohol and pot created within me. Imagine I went to my first meeting to save my relationship with another person? Yet I discovered after a few short weeks it was the relationship to myself and a Higher Power that would keep me there, allow me to get sober and be sober…

A moment

24 years is a life time, 24 years is only a beginning of the opening doors, the unraveling of years of unconscious behavior, ideals, and thinking that kept me in the state of want, the state of emptiness. In that state I felt the need to fill the hole in my soul, the ego needed to be constantly stroked. Every action was caused by those needs to be wanted  to be like, to be the best at something.

24 years of awakening, walking along many paths with many people, in meetings, books, in prayer circles, which for a time included religious organizations, than in spiritual community, who did I meet in all those places? I met myself, I meet myself in the reflection of each person and situation that challenges who I am, who I believe I am and who I am becoming.

24 years of re-discovery, have I throughly followed the path? Sometimes, sometimes not. The quote that begins this blog and is major part of the 12 Step Program written by recovering drunks for recovering drunks, and read at many many meeting everyday sets down the path, offers the tools to use, to a practice of a way of life beyond many peoples understanding. The reading offers bit of comfort with these words, ” We are not saints. The point is, that we are willing to grow along spiritual lines. We claim spiritual progress rather than spiritual perfection.”

the imperfect path

Thank goodness for that, I don’t have to be perfect anymore, and I am not by any means. I fall short every day, yet the main thing is I don’t drink, I don’t use a substance, to dumb me. I walk in the woods, I take my camera, and my two lovely animal companions who show me what unconditional love is on a moment to moment basis. I am granted today, this moment, to be present, each a gift to unwrap and savor, sharing with the world around me…

I am grateful.

 

The progress of mistakes

“If we are to make progress, if we are to grow, if we are to live our dreams, then we must begin to expect that mistakes and problems will arise – and not meet them with the arrogant belief that they shouldn’t be there, but instead bring awareness and patience to the situation and know that problems are there to teach us and they are an inevitable step towards mastery.”  Mastin Kipp: Daily Love Blog:http://thedailylove.com/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Each morning for weeks, no months, I have desired to write, to blog, always getting distracted by one thing or another. Which is always just me getting in my own way. There is always something to distract us from our journey, always another shinning object, another mistake, another detour, yet all paths on the same journey to our destination. The road less traveled is not as easy to walk, ride, but I believe a much more rewarding one. A journey made from our own choices, our own visions of who we are, where we wish to go.

Since last fall I have become my mother’s caregiver, finding out her dementa/Alzheimer’s is worst than we thought but not as bad as it may become. Yet a new chapter in both our lives, lives interrupted by illness, aging, unclear paths untraveled by either of us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes depression became my companion, I felt betrayed in some ways by my sister and brother in law who bought a house and moved out of the family home after 55 years! It was just Mom, the dogs and I! I knew some of the steps to take to get the help, Doctor appointments, contacting the county/senior service, I knew but I didn’t do much about it. I stood stunned in my path, going numbly from day to day. Was there, is there an arrogant belief I should not be there? Not arrogant, just a shocked misunderstanding of where I was in my life. Did I ask myself is this what I called forth? If I called being a caregiver to my Mother it was not a conscious calling. Is this part of growing up, being responsible?  If it is part of growing up and being responsible is sucks!

An older male friend commented this way about my being in this state of presence about my Mom just yesterday: “Please know that in the process of your frenzy and fury over dealing with your mother that you are doing the work that honors both of you. (This is a better way to think about it then prompting her to talk about fourteen hours of labor!!!”  Yes, I am trying to move into the higher vibration of all of this.  and slowing this is coming to be, yet part of me is just numb or angry, feeling love in this process is a difficult to reach. As the quote says above; “but instead bring awareness and patience to the situation and know that problems are there to teach us and they are an inevitable step towards mastery.” I am far from mastery in this matter, I seek advise and guidance, sanity through photography… 

Yes, depression will still continue to shadow me, yes mistakes will jump up in my path, yet the journey continues, everyday the challenge to create, every moment that challenge to Be Present, to who I am and who I saw up as is unfolding.

Question of the day: Are Mistakes markers for your awareness?

the act of creation is.

 

Why was I wakened at 5 am,  On Saturday? So I could read, make fresh coffee, take a brisk walk in the frosty chill of the 32 degree morning, while the Cardinal’s sung back and forth to each other, to the accompaniment of my seemingly out loud prayers that I usually pray while on the first walk of the day, yet those prayers are only in mind, sometimes mindful, sometimes said by thoughtless practice… the silence of morning, blasted away by a fire siren, the steady whoosh of highway traffic, that of my own or the cars the speed by on the turnpike. The wooded area surrounds and fills me with wonder, no camera this morning for I did not think of it and the light was just beginning to enlighten the day. Yet I see the fallen tree branches, the brown, rust colored leaves that give sense to the its presence. Sometime  I think the chaos of brush, branches, tangled among themselves, across paths need to be straightened up, for the woods in winter looks disheveled and unorganized but who am I to redecorate natures beauty. For it is in that entanglement, in the chaos that the patterns, and design are created to offer the visual, to make homes for the small animals and unseen creatures of the forest. (and my camera) 

I had read this passage last evening before falling asleep, it resonated and works here now. The passage is from Invisible Acts of Power by Caroline Myss she states, “Every single person is born with something to create – that creation might be a child or a business or a garden or a circle of friends or a peace accord. Whatever it is will be personally beneficial for others. Blocked creative expression is as detrimental to your well-being as a drug addiction. A raging internal conflict between acting on creative impulses or settling for the status quo can eventually promote physical illness. This internal strife locks into the second chakra first and foremost because this is the vortex where you act on your convictions. You need to manifest  your ideas and to make a difference in  your world, whether your influence is enormous or small. The size of your action or gift is not the issue; the act of creation is.” 

I have been given many gifts, and each morning the gift of a new day to breathe, to create, to act. Yet I often ask myself “where is the action, I know the words, and I can talk the talk but how do I walk the talk?”  Is what I am doing enough, sometimes yes and sometimes no, and sometimes we are not even aware to the little acts of giving that we share. Be grateful, Be mindful, and allow spirit to guide for each moment is an opportunity for wonder, for change, for the miracle to happen.

In relationship

You have nothing to learn about relationships. You have only to demonstrate what you already know. Conversations with God Bk 1

Painted sky

In the past few days I have been asked about relationships, and I certainly not an expert, and up front I just wish to state I have not been in what A Course in Miracles calls a “special” relationship for a long long time. The longest relationship I have had is with myself, re-discovering who I am is a full-time activity. It is not until I can be in a fully authentic, healthy, growing relationship with myself and my Higher Power that I will expand that experience to a special or romantic relationship. I will say here that I am closer to that now than I have ever been. Within that statement is the beginning of moving beyond the self-imposed victimhood, the self-imposed denial of a special/romantic relationship. For I desired to find out who I was in relationship to everything else in my life. How I respond or react to social, emotional, financial, physical situations, mostly I withdrew. I withdrew out of anger and fear, I withdrew because no one or nothing could live up to me expectations of them. For my expectations or ideals caused me great hurt, when they where suppose to be emanating Love. When I sought Love from the world around me, I was met with everything that did not look or act like love. I caused great grief and depression.

Painted tree tops

What I have learned through experience is that I have to Be Love, I have to come from a loving place whether others are loving or not. I have to find and experience the spirit in each and every situation, no I still don’t get there all the time but I know now how too, I know now when I am not there, when my expectations are leading the way, (ego) when I am seeking something from some one or something, and not just being fully present in the chaos and even joy to bring and be happiness. Asking myself is this who I am, is this who I desire to be at this moment, is this a loving thought or action, if not how can I Be more loving in this situation?

In the Book Conversations with God Book: an uncommon dialogue. Book 1, Neale Donald Walsch is in conversational dialogue with God, ( I know I hear your doubt or maybe I even hear your joy) this book to me has been the doors and windows to my soul, the light on my path, the scripture I keep returning to, the guidance I seek when I am off the path.  Conversations with God (CwG) is a book about relationships, a book about how to be in relationships with yourself with your understanding of who and what God is to you, it is about our relationship with everything, it is about Oneness without ever saying so out rightly.

There is one chapter in CwG 1 that discussing “relationships” loud and clear. Chapter 8 in this chapter Neale ask what we all ask “Is there a way to be happy in relationships?” And God answers with this at the beginning, “Relationship are constantly challenging; constantly calling you to create, express, and experience higher and higher aspects of yourself, grander and grander visions of yourself, ever more magnificent versions of yourself. Nowhere can you do this more immediately, impactfully, and immaculately than in relationships. In fact, without relationships, you can not do it at all.”

These words sung to me, enlightened my path, all it’s defects, and imperfections,  my experience with all my relationships, but first it destroyed all my notions of relationships, and many relationships I had to reevaluate, and many were left behind, so that the beauty and creativity of relationship could begin to inform and grow in grander and grander experience. My heart broke open, sadness and joy danced together, one informing the other, that a balance was the way to live in happiness.

So it was myself I had to put first, not in an egoic way for I had already walked that path, now was a time to find out who I was and it was not what I was told by others, because living my life the way I had lived thus far, in the world was the world lived by others, unconscious doing. CwG once again makes this statement and I think many, if not all people seeking, walking a spiritual path will need to ask and find out. God says; … determining what is best for you will require you to also determine what it is you are trying to do. This is an important step that many people ignore. What are you “up to”? What is your purpose in life”? Without answers to these questions, the matter of what is “best” in any given circumstance with remain a mystery.”

one of many paths

For now I am leaving the mystery to you to find out. My blog/morning pages have been about re-discovering who I am in relationship to myself, my creativity, and the world around me. For without walking that path, without being conscious relationships are unhappy and unfullfilling… Life is one of the most amazing adventures we experience on this plane, living in from the heart fully present is a blessing to all Life.

Growth question: Do you know what you life purpose is? Do you know what you are up to?

I am Love, Jeff

Self-acceptance/self-awareness

Here in this body are the sacred rivers: here are the sun and moon as well as all the pilgrimage places… I have not encountered another temple as blissful as my own body. Saraha

inside on the outside

My day came crashing after writing yesterday,  illness washed over me as I sat later in the day to check email, do some work on www.redbubble.com . I physically felt a wave of dizziness, shifting my mind/body/spirit whence it had come I know not. I had not eat anything, I had not normally would have eaten, the weather was nice, I was feeling good until that moment. From then on I began to be tried, sleepy and even went for a nap. It was 3:00 pm! I usually begin to get things ready for dinner by than yet standing in the kitchen even after my nap was not going to happen. I try to set with whatever was happening and let in inform me but nothing seemed to change. I went back to my room to read and rest, yes read, I did not want to sleep for than I would be up all night.

This morning I am feeling better but that energy shift knocked me for a loop! My thoughts it may have been the carpet freshener I used after I vacuumed the day before. It Fabreeze in it and I should have left the house for a while after, yet this was 24 hours later?  Or maybe it was the Solar eruptions shifted energy and my state of being.

Once again I am outside the air is humid, yet the breeze keeps the humidity at bay to a degree. Earlier the cicada’s where screeching to high heaven to announcement of the heat, yet the sky as gradually gotten darker instead of lighter, a storm maybe brewing. The rain is welcome.

Laurie has ask some thought-provoking mid-week check in questions, her observations from her point of perspective, mostly distance, yet I think she has a more intimate intuitive view than most people who are in my physical realm, is that I am having a more difficult time with this self, Self-acceptance, “this self validates our sense of worth and provides emotional empowerment… This self is concerned with unconditional love, generosity and self-esteem… often translating into forgiveness , letting go and compassion. Self-acceptance in balance we enjoy qualities from the constructive side of self, Harmony, understanding, self – esteem, compassion and Love.

Out of balance self-acceptance we can experience attributes from the negative side; self-rejection. These include feeling dishonest, possessive, jealous, reckless, greed and cruelty.” (Buchanan, L. Life Harmony program)

on the surface

Well I don’t feel any of the above attributes, I just may not be expressing my in balance attributes in a more enlightened way. I may have been out of balance last week after mom left, yet since I have walked with that experience I seem to see and feel it has taken a turn to a new perspective. I got myself out side to write, I took care of chores and met with my friend, gearing up for new photo opportunities, I have candid photo shot for a friends fund-raiser later in the month and asked to borrow a flash defuser, for shooting in side will be a bit difficult without the proper tools.

I have begun writing my blog/pages again which when doing is a joy, and very enlightening to view myself from a different perspective. Getting out side to read meditative literature, surrounded by nature, eating my breakfast, being present to vive up my mind/spirit is all self-acceptance in balance or more balancing.

a moment in time

Other questions from the mid-week check-in:

What do you think will be different about you this time next year?  I think that I will have better perspective on how and why I do what I do, how I think and or react and or respond to life in a more positive direction.

What do you hope will be different this time next  year? I hope the above statement is true in not only how I think but how I am being.

What do you think will be the same about you this time next year? I think I will be the same in my ability  in continued self discovery. Ever evolving !

What do you hope will be the same about you this time next your!  That I have the ability to evolve emotionally, spiritually, holistically.

What is your all time favorite characteristic about yourself? The ability to be characteristic! Ha ha. I think my humor.

What is your all time least favorite characteristic about yourself? Do I have any of those? Oh yeah right, Self-doubt!

Is anyone in your sphere of influence making inroads as it relates to your heart? No, not that I am aware of.

Are you trying to make inroads into the heart of someone within your sphere of influence? No.

When was the last time your heart went pitty-pat at the advance of someone else?  It has been sometime. 5-7 years.

When was the last time you made someone’s heart go pitty-pat? That I can not answer at all, I am not aware that I have caused anyones heart go pitty-pat in some time.

Now that was a trip into self-acceptance and self-awareness. Easier than I thought it would be when I first read the question. Yet being honest and authentic is what this trip is about is about, this time around the spiral is to walk through doors I may have looked at but not journeyed through. The path of self-acceptance is to know from where you came from, to where you are now, to where you wish to be in the near/present future.

Tiny Power

Laurie, thank you shinning the light!  Offering the safe space to delve into self and to experience new selfs. !

Growth Question: What selfs of  you are showing up?

I am Love, Jeff