Vexed, angry, out of sorts…

“When we learn to let the flow manifest itself where it will–not where we will it.” The Artist’s Way

10th Street Hardware

This quote could be used as an excuse not to get things done, or at least done when I think I need to have a situation be as I think it should be, or work further along then it is. I have found my self confined by my own or what I think is my own fear, or laziness. My own lack of ability to move beyond the place that I am at the moment. The quote from the last blog still stands true, “Art lies in the moment of encounter: we meet our truth and we meet ourselves; we meet ourselves and we meet our self-expression.” Encounter ourselves, the self of who we are, who I am a the moment, even a self that I may not care for at that very moment, the one who is frustrated, who feels his space invaded, who has not been social in weeks, yet continued to meet those moments with self talk, with taking some really conscious breaths. Who even withdraw more, in a book, in an art show/program.

The Italian Market

Four days have gone by, I have had the intention of writing, of getting new prints made, buying frames, getting the collection for the exhibit in a different state than it is at the moment. Yet for four days, none of that has happened. It feels like wasted time. Has it been?

Mom returned home on Saturday, so last week was clean up the house, shop for dinner to be prepared that evening, so the activity of people coming in and out, dogs greeting, and getting under foot. Space invaded. Monday attended the Mass service of our cousin Theresa, one year anniversary of her transition. Mom, and sister, along with Theresa’s two daughters Nancy, and Marie, as well as few other family and friends. Observed Mass ritual, a year ago Easter had already arrived, causing the church to be a glow in flowers and streaming, flowing material from the Cross on the altar, this week we are still in the middle of Lent, all statues are draped in purple, no flowers dress the space. The energy is one of contemplation and sadness, of letting go and hope of newness of…

open street market

I have had the thought, and I will place it into practice, to leave the house in the mornings when I can, with laptop and camera in hand to a local coffee shop, to write, to think, to be in different energy, more creative, constructive energy.

Mom and I did clean up the vegetable garden on Tuesday, the weather was brilliant, so to make use of the warm sunshine, pull the old leavings of plants, and fencing, the crispness of dried plants, the smell of the damp earth was refreshing and grounding. Discussion went along the lines of what to do in the space, make it bigger, getting some compost, fresh soil down, we have our own compost bin, it would be good to give the ground some nutrients. There as some discussion of the ground-hog that lives just alongside the garden, but is a factor in planting and harvesting the garden.

Tuesday was wet and storming, big winds and huge down pours of rain came through to cause havoc to trees, and streams. Getting out was not a good idea. Everyone was home, by mid afternoon, causing me so much angst, I went to my room, even Arden and Jim, left later in the afternoon, to have their own time together.

Yesterday, with all the intention to get prints made, and frames bought my own attitude stood as a big boulder in my way, which I could not seem to get around or go over. I felt on edge and somewhat angry. What kept flashing through my mind was that I had stayed up to watch Ken Burn’s Civil War for the past two evening, and I think those visuals, as amazing as they are, photographs from 1861, 62, 63, documenting battles, camps, death and destruction, caused some emotional spiritual disturbance. I remember now, I had also watch a documentary on the Triangle Fire, in which once again amazing photographs of the 1800’s documented a tragedy that caused the people to demand better working conditions, shorter work week, and hours, higher pay, as well as union representation.  These documentaries have done their work in many ways, causing disturbance, as well as the realization of how effective a photograph or group of photographs can be. To tell a story, to create a change, to express beauty, and to convey a sadness.

Making a living

Yes, today is a new day, looking back is only  a reflection of what was. What can change.

The Artist’s Way also expresses that “downtime, time to do nothing” for an artist “takes courage, conviction, and resiliency… For an artist, withdrawal is necessary. Without it, the artist in us feels vexed, angry, out of sorts.” Will that certainly conveys my state of being for the past few days.


3 thoughts on “Vexed, angry, out of sorts…”

  1. Jeff – When I’m in a pissy mood I try to leverage that energy to get the “crap” stuff done (clean, clean, clean). I don’t know if that would be a good way for you to vent, or not–it sure works for me.

    I like the way you wrapped your post up with, “today is a new day, looking back is only a reflection of what was. What can change…

  2. Hi, Jeff — I do what Laurie does, too, when I am moody or in a “you cant’t make me” mood. I do mindless chores and let the thoughts/feelings just go where they will. I think you may have a point about those four days being a time of adjustment, reassessment, recognition that something is trying to get your attention. What first came to mind is that you need your own space. Is the space you are living in still serving you well? Or, is there a part of you who wants to take care of you in a different way and finds that expression thwarted by the limits of your current circumstance. I feel your attraction to photos that tell a story and sometimes change the world is a big hint. Is there a voice in you saying “I want to do that, too!”? The third idea I have (which has only come to me recently) is: can you transcend the circumstance and mood and live as you want to anyway? In other words, regardless of the turmoil, anger, irritation, and desire to NOT do what you know is good for you and your photography, can you do it anyway? “It” being the list of things you know you need to do. Can you do them anyway?

  3. Sorry to hear you had a spell of “out of sorts.” Life gets so complicated and frustrating at times! I like your idea of taking your laptop and camera to the coffee house to be in a different energy and to create. The “Making a living” shot is compelling – who knows what each person has to do to make a living somehow – different personalities doing the best they can with the gifts they are given…

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