“You are in love with a mystery. You trust it and go on and on moving deeper into its heart of light.” Andrew Harvey
I kept hearing go find Gay Soul: Finding The Heart of Gay Spirit and Nature, interviews by Mark Thompson. I could not sit still until I found the book which is part of my library or chaos that is my room. I opened the page where an old card marked something I had left of reading sometime back. In this section Mark Thompson is interviewing Andrew Harvey ! Andrew is considered a mystic and a man who journey I much admire, his passion, his language, is love/passion of finding the spiritual path through the Divine Mother and Divine Father. In the section I opened to Mark is asking Andrew “Do you think that gay men need as much equilibrium or honest relationship with the Divine Father?
Andrew answers in his powerful passionate voice:
Yes, but the real father, not the psychotic vision of him. In my own healing journey, it was very important that I come across the divine and sacred male. Only I couldn’t find him in our own culture until Tibetan teacher Thuksey Rinpoche showed me just what a complete being a realized man could be. By having my heart, mind, and soul broken open by him, I was initiated into the sacred man in myself. This enable me to claim my maleness, something that I found hard to do in the West because up to then I associated what maleness I had with the maleness I found bleak and cruel in the men around me. Experience of the Divine Mother led me slowly out of the shadow of the “false” father into the light of the real one. This is a pilgrimage all modern men need to make.”
Why was it important to find this book, read and share the above quote, I am not certain at the moment. It is part of me path, a path of re-discovery of who I am and what my life and relationships mean to me. My desire to find the authentic male, lead me to Easton Mt Retreat Center, were I was opened up, to myself and to the men around me. I was wounded emotionally by my need to belong, to find and be in a community of gay men who were discovering, uncovering their path as well. Yet after the honeymoon wore off, I was confronted at almost every step with men who acted like men that were guarded, cruel, lost in their own self-awareness, and not the men in touch with the maleness or even their feminine. Strange thing is that Easton Mt Retreat Center sits in a bowl of small hills, and it so wet, with water running down into its center to the ponds and ground that is one of the most feminine natural places I have ever lived. One would think the peace, calmness would abound, and it does to those who come to retreat, yet it seems those who have lived there at the time I did, where not experiencing that. This is my thoughts and observation, none of this maybe true, other than to my experience within that space, time and events.
This experience informs me of who I am today, the healing I am doing is from within those experiences of embracing the Sacred Mother, and searching the Sacred Father that I walked through and lived in my brokenness. That pain developed into the ongoing relationship I have with nature and photography. I was given the gift of Reiki Healing, as well as erotic healing, my two companions Riley and Muffin and their teaching of unconditional Love.
Why am I revisiting this now, how many times have I wrote this? How many times have I forgiven them and myself yet I still feel the sadness, the tightness in my Solar Plexus, and literally have to breathe through it all to continue. Is there something undone, forgiven ? More work needs to be done I see, offering and honoring gifts and healing to myself and that event? This is not clear, maybe I am healing and this is just the challenge to continue to walk confidently in the directions of my dreams…
Thus I have journeyed these paths, experienced these events, opportunities to burn away, heal, gather, grow to map and share my story, which of course is not over, is ever unfolding.
Growth Question: Are you in love with the mystery? Is your story unfolding in the light?
I am Love, Jeff