“Whatever God’s Dream about man may be, it seems certain it cannot come true unless man cooperates.” Stella Terrill Mann.
I have to write or this will be all lost in the ether of misty dreams or wonderings. I was have a dream just before I awoke this morning. I was traveling to Texas, no reason why, I do have cousin’s there who I have not ever met.
So I was traveling on a highway, going alone and I had a sense I needed directions and a break from driving, I pulled into this place, the outside I have on recollection of but the inside was an old train station, with shops around the edges, and counter’s and booths in the center. There were people milling about but then I realized they where all men, on later inspection, gay men, in all shapes and sizes, style of dress, some in causal everyday cloths, some in drag, others as cowboys and random other assorted costume that convey who one shows their world.
I was getting attention, men were looking around at me, talking to their friends but greeting me as I walked through the space, gaining my center, seeking food and directions, as well as friendship alone the road. I recall a few men being flirty and very friendly, and I was getting along with them rather well. May have had even some intimate moments, and then something shifted, the intimacy were over and people began telling me what they thought of me.
One guy who seemed to mean more to me the others, after some time came over the me and ask if we could talk. I said sure. So he proceeded to tell me that on first meeting me he thought, I was very nice and attractive, yet there is a sense of aloofness, arrogance about you. It hurt to hear but it is not the first time I have been confronted with those descriptions of my behavior or being.
So upon waking and walking the wood with the dogs my mind linger on this, what was the message, here, am I these adjectives that people tag on me? Is there a fine line between arrogance and self-assurance, aloofness and healthy detachment ? How about the difference of being preachy and offering suggestions or guidance?
Or are these behaviors self protection to keep people at a boundary that is safe for my personality and being? Now I have got to far into this and I am not sure that there are any real answers as of yet. Maybe more questions, having to do with self-defining, clarity about who I am compared to who others my perceive me to be without getting through the surface, without having a “real” conversation or a heart to heart moment with each other.
Aloofness verses observer, arrogance verses self-assurance, ego verse confidence, truthfulness verses honesty, preachy verses guidance. The word verses is not what I want here but the one that presented it self first, what I which to convey is the other side of the coin, the more enlightened, more healthy approach to being authentic. I know in my heart who I am, I know in my soul/spirit who I am. If perception of another conveys not that, than it may be their reflection being projected and felt? Since this was a dream and dreams about the person dreaming, the message it from a part of me that desires to share another part of me. Why it is presenting it self now I am not certain? I could be due to the up coming Art exhibit, it could be because I have been seeking more social activities that define me, that are of interest to my well being and creative purpose.
Growth Question: Is what people think of you important to your well being? Or a way to reflect your self back to you?
I am Love, Jeff