Suddenly I seemed to have awakened once again from dancing with shadows only to arrive here now. Into a normal day, if Saturdays are ever normal, Holy Saturday in fact, of the Easter/Passover weekend. The weekend is also in high vibrational shift astronomically with the Second of three Eclipse in the year, over a full Moon.
I have been artistically block or shut down, I kept making photo, I kept at the creative work yet it was feeling numb about most of what I was doing, when I was doing it.
Just now I came in from a photography walk with Muffin, our first walk of the day, I was feeling excited and thrilled to have gone out to make photos this morning, which begun out the apartment windows. The clouds and light was just magnificent among the cityscape I could no longer resist. I had not real subject in mind when headed out the door with zoom lens attached, I knew it would be useful if the water fowl were about or whatever else came across my vision.
The excitement of what I felt was a welcomed friend, I knew that I just was in the process of creation, whether there are any good photos among these shots it really matters not. The essence is that process happen out of pure joy of Being present in the world. I was not escaping from anything, I was not seeking anything, I was just following my bliss.
I am not sure I conveyed the experience or the relief properly, my objective was to make a statement “that the path has opened up for me once again”
I was not looking for the moment, I was not trying to make something happen, Suddenly It and I was there! Suddenly the recognition was there, that Ah Ha Moment! Pure pure Bliss!!
Last Friday I began Photo Friday here on the Reluctant Bloger. Not that all my blogs aren’t graced with photographs. Friday is about the photographs. I looked for a poem to go along the journey of these “Trees”. Yet none captured the real essences of them.
I have been graced to walk among these trees and wood for the last several years, I have 100’s, if not 1000’s of photographs from every season, from spring to summer, into fall, and through winter.
These will be my last few weeks among these trees and wood. I have been blessed with some amazing photographs in the past few weeks, I share them now.
In the 29 degree weather the warmth of these last past weeks of fall so rich and vibrant. Are jewels.
The branches and paths have been my comfort and relaxation, peacefulness is found, joy is discovered.
I share with you my companions, my comforts, my creative Muse ! Nature in all its glory, The Tree!
There are a number of Poems I found and did not use, about the Tree.
“When you welcome your emotions as teachers, every emotion brings good news, even the ones that are painful.” – Gary Zukav
Is lack of sanity an emotion? Have I gone insane? Have I created a Groundhog day event of the life? If so why? What has become so frightening about my life that I refuse to live it. Live it fully once again… These and many other questions may or may not be answered in the what follows today or any-day soon.
I have heard the voice to write like a woodpecker hitting a tree trunk, knock, knock, knock, knock, hammering away the stubborn layers of bark, and hard word to get to the meat of thing. I mentioned to a few friends that I have been hearing that voice to write, to begin to blog, do morning pages again. Morning pages were responsible for the beginning of this blog. After writing the morning pages for the length of time required/suggested in the book The Artist Way, 12 weeks, Julia Cameron suggest to continue writing morning pages to keep the flow going.
So are these blogs going to be morning pages? It is a place to start, a beginning. And we can only begin where we are. So here I am ready to stand before myself and everyone naked through my words. Even trying write this, flinging off the darkness, the cover of silence, feels vulnerable. So be it.
It is the Holiday Season, and… in the past few weeks I have been journeying down memory lane. First it was joining the Magnolia NJ Facebook page which I thought may be a good way to connect with local goings on. I didn’t and still don’t have a lot of connection with the community I live in. Even as a child, I seem to have lived or created a different reality to the one outside. Did I have imaginary friends, no not really. I had religion, I was on the search even than. Well being in this local group opened up closets that have long been closed. Do I even want to go there now?
The first snow of the season opened the doors. Someone was recalling sledding down hills, streets, etc. The one hill I recall was behind my girlfriend’s house, we were teenagers, which went down into the major road. The girlfriend would become my wife in a few years and then my x-wife a few years after that. Well x-wife messages me that her Mother has passed, and she and Mike her husband, and my best friend from our Air Force days, along with daughter are here to attend the viewing, did I wish to join them for lunch? I did. I attended the viewing as well.
Earlier in the week a member of the Magnolia group posted our grade school graduation photo, we were the first graduating class from St Gregory’s, 1967! Oy! Even had to locate myself, people I have had no contact with in years. Some I even went to high school, some my first crushes… Just to meet a two of them a few days later at the Senior Christmas Lunch.
These are all unfolding stories, unraveling memories, there was a mention of a young man who had died in a car accident who lived across the street from us, how I remember that young man, the pain of that loss…
What is the purpose of all of these dusty memories? And none of these “stories” have anything to do with my sanity or insanity, or do they?
Each of those memories have expanded stories of course, those stories may get to see the light of day for the may shine on some of the shadows of my earlier life.
For now Mom’s Alzheimer’s is holding steady, I see some patterns which make dealing situations a little more responsive rather than reactive. I don’t think I am very good company for her, and in some way, I think it is becoming abusive. Abusive emotionally and spiritually for both of us. The day to day routine of going about our day is rather unproductive, meals, chores, a few walks for her if the weather is cooperating. She cleans those house, more or less. Fusses with the dogs. Makes strange combinations of food items, if I am not there to pay attention. Always asking if there is something she can do, when I am doing my own chores, or making meals or baking. I would be nice to have help but help is more like supervising, so it is easier most times to do it myself. We found some old coloring books, she has begun doing some those pages. Her attention span is not long, even shorter if I am doing something within seeing or hearing distance, she wants to “help”.
As for art/photography: I realized I have not been taking as many photos in the past few weeks, could be the weather, could be not motivated which scares me. I view photographs everyday, belonging to several photography groups keeps them passing across my screen. Events have been difficult to attend, I do have one small photo in The Plastic Club’s Exhibition of “Weather”. Gearing up to curate a Photographic Society Exhibition in Feb. which could be the project that gets me through the winter.
Welcoming the teachings of emotions has got me to these pages. Is there good new here? Yes the writing, and the exposing. The painful emotions of confusion, anger, loss that come from memories of the past, or even desire for the future while I seek to live in the moment are the lessons of evolving, even though it feels like going backward. It is in the “welcoming” hello emotions set down and chat or come along while I take some photographs or make meals or do everyday chores. What do you have to say to me?
It seems life if full of questions, even questions for the questions. They seem to be strange traveling companions these “questions”. These too will reveal themselves…
Here it is July 3rd and I am home writing my blog… I am writing my blog because I made a commitment to myself and I declared it here on my blog as well a few weeks back. So I am not home because I have to write my blog, I could have done that this morning maybe, but I did not have much happen between my last writing and this morning. Not that much has happen in the intervening hours since 7:30 am and 8 pm when I begun writing.
I am around the house because Muffin get very disturbed by the fireworks people shoot off in their back yards, and she needs to have reassurance all is well! I read a piece this morning about animals and fireworks on Care 2 care site. They suggested playing music, not to drown out the sound but to calm the animal, they also suggest giving them Reiki, hey I can do that. But mostly just be reassuring.
I was thrilled to see a comment from an unknown person Coralie Plozza a fellow photographer from down under. Thank you for stopping by. Please check out Coralie’s wonderful photography at Rainbow Farm.
I am always thrilled to have new people stop by my blog/pages to read and comment! I hope to attract others as time goes by. And I was surprised to not have Laurie be the first to respond. And I am always grateful for the two Barbara’s that are regular commenters/visitors to my blog. Always keeping me on my toes, intellectually and spiritually.
The days are heating up again, it was in the high 90’s but with a nice breeze and suppose to continue to get hotter and more humid as the week progresses. Summer is here for sure, the raspberry’s are ripe, blueberry’s at the farmers stands, Corn on the cob, reading for crunchy eating and running down your arm. Fresh basil in the garden, well not in the ground yet but will be soon, along with the parsley, and dill, rosemary has been growing in our little weed patch for a while, along with sage which is struggle to keep a foot hold among the chives and mint that wish to over run the whole garden. My sister and brother-in-law cleaned up the garden patch, planted tomato, egg plants, some lettuce and kale, along with chocolate peppers, and green peppers. So we do have a little something going on for healthy eating and being green.
I lost my concentrations, Muffin wanted to go for a walk, which was refreshing and a different experience than what we usually have in the morning and later afternoon walks through our little wooded area paths. The light was just dimming on the edges, splashes of gold and orange from the sitting Sun, and golden seed pods of the wild grass that grow alone the places we walk. There was a sweeter fragrance, green but fresh that greeted us as we passed through trees as they brushed our heads and bodies. The birds still singing in the trees, the owls were no where in sight, have not seen them for a few days, they may be gone for the season? Yet I continue to keep and eye for them.
Around ten o’clock this morning Arden, my sister says she is about to go up the street to the Magnolia Annual 4th of July parade which marches the length of the town, One Square Mile of Friendliness, up Evesham avenue to Albertson Park, named after our founder. I missed most of the parade because I was about to walk the dogs and they had a mind of their own, taking longer the usual, and then I had to get cleaned up, and freshly dressed to be seen in public. When I got to down stairs to leave, Muffin wanted to go out in the yard, and we usually don’t leave them alone out there. But it was nice enough and I would not be all that long.
I got to the end of our street that connects with Evesham just in time to miss the fire trucks, and time to catch the String Band which was at the end of the parade… took some photos and walked along with them up to Albertson Park, as all the people began to enter in to find places among the trees, to view the booths and table of kids things, food items, bakes sale held by the Magnolia Historic Society, the kids were all bunched around the face painting table, getting made up as cats and dogs, butterflies and heaven knows what else.
I found my sister sitting on the curb with a family friend of my mothers, who I have not seen in years and once I was done photographing the town leaders who were all sat up on a flat-bed truck with a podium and loud-speaker to address the town ship and offer them blessing of the 4th. A young girl in a red taffeta dress, she must not been more than 6, song the Star Spangled Banner , very well in fact. After that it was introduction time of Mayor and counsel… I finally got over to greet my sister and our family friend Pat. Who my parents spend much time with back in the day, when we where in High school and later.
As Arden and I walked about we met up with another couple who, I went to school with their daughters, and they were wondering where I had been hiding. Ah, right under their noses, at the house. The wife said to me, “I don’t know if you are more better looking now, then you where as a kid but you look good!” To my surprise, I have not complemented in that way in ages. Blush, Blush. We walked around a bit more to see the wares, say hi to more people, than back to the front of brough hall where the “sting band where performing and getting the people involved in the Mummers March to the music. I finally had had enough and came back home to have some lunch and check on the dogs, they did not even know I was gone.
Well that is my day July 3th 2010, of course I read, napped, made dinner, had at least three walks in and or around the wood. and now have written this blog/pages.
Grow Question: What did you do for your 4th of July ?