There are values in pain…

There are values in pain that are difficult
to see without the presence of a guest.

Don’t complain about autumn.
Walk with grief like a good friend.
Listen to what he says.

Sometimes the cold and dark of a cave
give the opening we most want.

–Rumi

 

A little over two years ago I noticed my Mom’s mind wasn’t functioning properly and when we had an appointment at the her Dr’s I ask about it. I wasn’t really used to being around mom that much at the time. She had a man friend and they would travel back and forth from Vermont to Myrtle Beach, stopping here on occasion for Holidays and Dr appointments. At that time I ask to see the Dr as well, to check her responses to normal questions. In his office she seemed to have answered correctly, even with being a bit distracted. Mom was not a very good listener, usually ready with a question about something else, maybe it was a way to deflect until she remembered.

Sometime later at her Heart Dr’s appointment, the Dr even came out to me to explain what she was to do for her self-care. He was concerned because she would not focus, and didn’t understand what he was trying to tell her, mentioning he would talk with her regular Dr. when I mentioned that we had discussed her memory issues and he was not concerned at this time.

At that point she went off with Lee, her man friend, I am sure which direction at the time. Her greatest joy was being with Lee and his Shih tzu Billy. She had a whole other family and friends there that she no longer had at home in NJ. Sometime later 3 months maybe she came home basicly  for good. Lee was concerned for her and he was having his own health problems.

Taking this walk with her was not my planned version of end life process, yet I was giving the task of being her caregiver, unprepared in every conceivable way. I began walking the autumn path of grief, anger and frustration with her it was not a happy time.

A Sense, a sense of knowing…

It is difficult for us to realize that this process of going inside and writing page can open an inner door through which our creator helps and guides us. Our willingness swings this inner door open. The morning pages symbolize our willingness to speak to and hear “our creator”. They lead us into many other changes that also come from the “Universe” and lead us to it “Presence”. This the hand of the “Higher Power” moving through your hand as you write. It is very powerful. “the Artist’s Way” Julia Cameron, Pg.85 *

 

For the past week or so I have been reciting the Basic Principles as well as the Rules of the Road as prayers or meditations! When I begin my body relaxes, my voice even shifts, my heart/soul fills up,  almost to weeping. The joy that those words, those small sentences expresses to my heart is really beyond what language can convey! 

Than I was directed to the opening quote. Upon reading it I knew it was time to write, write again. These pages have had their fits and starts. Hey the blog is titled the “reluctant bloger” after all. Recently it or I have lived up to its name. 

I could have posted simple blogs with just poems/quotes and photographs. I could have filled these pages with daily accounts of the family’s experience of our Mother’s process of dying. The presence didn’t want me to go there. I used Facebook for support, that support was truly amazing! I am grateful for each person’s comments, the sending of healing, and course love. Love kept me sane, the love of complete strangers, well at least non-physical people, stepped up where friends and family would not or could not. In the case of crisis I go into social mode, hospitality mode. I suppose I was still in caregiver status in many ways. Yet finally freedom for the 24 hour caregiver position I had held for the past two years. 

Mom’s going into rehab was her journey “homeward” once there she must have decided it was time. Within 2 months or less, the last week everything shut down. She was constantly cared for my nurses, hospice, family was around 24 hours a day.  The waiting seemed to be endless and longer than the 2 years we had spend together, yet it was her time, her journey that we all had to respect and guide her to and through.  That Monday Morning, which it is Monday now, I had just walked into the nursing home, as I walk up the hallway to her room, I saw the nurses coming from that direction, I knew before they told me. There was a sense of relief. My sister and my niece were there at bedside and had been for the final breath. I am sure a final sigh of relief from mom that she would finally get to the new adventure. Mom loved to travel, her travel took her all over the country, and even to Europe several times. Her new journey beyond this plane. 

I got to the end of the last paragraph, I knew I was done. There is a sense of relief, and sense of new freedom. Of course the story goes on… 

I am Blessed, and I am Love, Jeff

Mediative Question: What has your latest journey taken you through? 

*( I used other expressions for God which Julie Cameron had not used in the opening quote.) 

 

Soul Journey

The quotes here are quotes I have collected over the past year or so, they have been selected to express the experience of the last few months. My own words at this time will not convey that which has been in process. These words resonate, inspire, enlighten, and shine life light on the journey past, present, and into the future.

“We must remember that REAL change takes time. Growers are inchworms. Lasting transformation is an incremental process, one “soulstep” at a time. We can have all the peak experiences we want but the real work happens between the peaks, while laying down and integrating on the valley floor. This may frustrate us, but it is the only way to craft an awareness that is authentic and sustainable. Divine perspiration…” Jeff Brown

 

 

“Although the journey home is often difficult, its also wondrous. On the materialistic treasure hunt, satisfactions are fleeting. On the inner treasure hunt, your satisfaction builds. It’s so beautiful to touch a new plateau of awareness, to view your self with a broadened lens, to shape your self with your own two hands. Every time I unravel a piece of my karmic thread, I feel the God-self come a little bit closer.. ” Jeff Brown

“The art form of the Soulshaping journey is knowing when to assert, & when to surrender. There are times when utilizing our will is perfect in order to excavate our path from the deep within, but there are also times when glimpses of path float to the surface only when we’re in a receptive state. Some shaping happens through our own efforts, some happens when we lay back & let the universe do the shaping for us.” Jeff Brown

 

“With respect to path, I feel the primary goal is to identify our unique soul-scriptures, to walk in our own two shoes & no one else’s. Not to say that every moment will be blissful-we still have to deal with the world etc- but to reach the stage where we know that we are where we are supposed to be on our Soulshaping journeys. Not where someone else told us to be, but our own true-path. This is what I wish for us.” Jeff Brown

 

“When you walk through the gateway of your sacred purpose, you walk into yourself. Blessingly buffered from the madness of the world, your purpose filters out those relationships and energies that undermine your expansion. Infused with vitality and a clarified focus, new pathways of possibility appear where before there were obstacles. Life still has its challenges, but you interface with them differently, coated in an authenticity of purpose that sees through the veils to what really matters. The rivers of essence rise up to meet you, carrying you from one wave of expansion to another…” (Soulshaping) Jeff Brown

 

“Going with the flow” means listening to your inner guidance ~ not sitting back, waiting and doing nothing. In order for us to get in touch with our inner guidance we need to spend time in meditation stilling the mind. When the mind is overactive, it is impossible to receive clarity. 15 minutes of stillness ~ everyday ~ will open up the tubes and channels to your higher self and open up the “flow” of communication from your higher wisdom. In order to go with the flow, you must first be in the flow.” ~ Sabrina

 

“God, the supreme artist, uses our life for the creation of art. We are the instruments through which the force of life expresses itself. We express our art in everything we say, everything we feel, and everything we do. The creation is ongoing, it is endless, it is happening in every moment.” ~ Don Miguel Ruiz

The journey is always full, it is our perspective that gives in life, shares its meaning. I am grateful for the journey, I am grateful for my friends and followers who kept silent while still asking… I am Love!