it feels like everything that came before has been a pretense, a false start. as I grasps for my reality this morning my serenity is devolving into a massive heap on the floor, like scattered dirty laundry, colorful but smelling of being worn to long. The endless weeks of being weakened by a cold, has left my plans and projects sitting collecting dust. Has caused loneliness and emptiness to seep into the fabric of my being. i have missed events I wished to attend to photograph and be part of. Willing to spend my last few dollars to do so.
Is this illness, this cold, the flu, the true culprit or the endless dreams and visions which seem to energize my being for short periods of time, that keep drifting off like a mirage, wafts of smoke from a conjurors magic spell? Am I truly lost, have a just been spinning narratives in my mind. Have I truly failed at my life’s purpose?
How do I keep going, when my dreams and visions don’t seem to fit into a world that no longer cares for magic for healing, for beautiful?
I surrender now, I let go. Right now I am fighting the demons of illness. My center has been blasted out of me! It is debris, it is trash. Is there still worthy pieces, can they be upcycled, reinvented? Do I just burn them all and scatter the ashes in the ground hoping natures has use for them?
Waking up, feeling like you have not slept, body sore, chest heavy, the head in urgent need of coffee. Coffee cold but drunk, like an achlie’s long needed fix to face the day.
Stark blank screen endlessly fills with words, streaming out some thoughtful, many just flowing from one place to the next.
Coffees fresh and hot now. or was when I started. Nothing changed since I sat down to write, or has it?
There is no blame, there is no what if’s, should haves, there is knowing that it is within me, to show up. I showed up, this is the present. Is the future I wish to have? Not at all!
Illness, attracts ego playing mind games, playing tricks, making fun. Well it is not fun. Ego, get out-of-the-way, we have better things to do that lay about feeling sorry for ourselves. Is one step at a time, one activity at a time.
Let the little glimmers of light break through. The world is created within the steps, moving forward while sometimes going around or over.
It seems I have a volcano within my being or maybe just in my crazy mixed up head? Is a volcano a mountain I need to climb and explore? Is it the inner workings, the heat, the fire, the massive pushing and pulling that creates the mountain that needs attention?
I’m talking about this writing course. I took this on because I thought it would be a good way to enhance what I was already blogging/writing about. Maybe it will but right now, it is painful. No not really painful, frustrating and confusing.
Writing has always been more of a stream of consciousness process. Usually prompted by something I read, a meditative reading from a book or poem not these crazy seemingly off the wall assignments. If I wanted fucking assignments I would go back to school. Okay, okay, I am not being graded. Yes I know I took this on myself. So there is no one to point fingers at except yourself, your desire to learn, to improve.
So Volcano if you are pushing the plates together, heating up the lava, spewing smoke and ash up to the surface please feel free to do so. I am so behind in these assignments that I almost quit. Quitting means the frustration would only boil over sometime later in another fashion or other.
The idea of prompts with a twist was fun at first. I found creative ways to still write non-fiction blogs based on what is or has happened in my life. Than the subjects became more difficult in the fact that I had to use voices that were not mine. I was asked to make up a story. Use my imagination, what are you kidding. Oy!
So Volcano you roared some more but did not produce. Oh maybe a little? There are a couple of drafts in your files to re-read, edit, and finish up, that may work. There are rumblings in my head, stories I keep going over, yet ego says, “you’re not ready for that type of writing. This is not what your blog is about.” So you calm down for a while. Later in the day the emails come with new ideas, new assignments, new tips on how to go about this or that. I love those links that offer more advice from established writers. They offer ideas and reassurance that all is good in the world. The rumbling and smoke is all part of the building of the process.
The writer within
Well there that wasn’t so bad was it? Ha ha. I want to thank Kaye for her blog this morning writing on the positive side, the gratefulness of the process, even when she can’t find the time, etc. Here is the link to her story.
Pick up the nearest book and flip to page 29. What’s the first word that jumps off the page? Use this word as your springboard for inspiration. Today’s twist: write the post in the form of a letter.
“We ourselves must choose each step. And to choose each step and be strong enough to endure what will follow on our repeated choice we have to develop a deep spiritual practice within the terms of ordinary life, trying at all moments to stay centered in the heart, the truth of the heart, the peace of the heart, so that the pain of growth can be borne within that peace and be infused by it” Andrew Harvey: The Return of the Mother.
Is life ordinary? Or is it not extraordinary!!! Extraordinary that we breathe each moment into the next moment. That life is ever evolving with or without our conscious involvement within it. Last evening I was granted a gift beyond my understanding of deserving the gift. Along with that gift the sense of gratitude overwhelmed me to tears, overcome with a sense of “how do I accept this?” What do I say, how can I repay this presentation? Than the realization of deeper friendship and love that lies within the gift from artist to artist, and friend to friend. Out of the depths of ordinary, out of showing up each day, out of the reaching out the hand to another one has reached back.
The songs “Make Believe” and “If I Loved You” touched some old memories, yet new meanings were layered over those memories of romantic love to to understand the idea of “acting as if” to believe in oneself even when the world seems to be falling about around you. When nothing seem to be in your favor. The Universe shines the light, cools the breeze, touches a place that has been unaired and darkened by survival.
On each repeated choice we have to develop a deep spiritual practice, that practice is showing up each day, being aware of the details, being grateful sometimes just to get to the end of the day or waking in the morning.
Staying centered in truth, in peace, and in love.
I wrote the upper part of this on July 8th I didn’t believe it captured the essence of what I was trying to convey. So all writing stopped.
What have I been up to since the last blog? I have been rediscovering who I was, who I am meant to be. That uncovering is slow, yet warm and welcoming at times, is any of it practical? Who knows? Have I ever really been practical? Not very much, as serious as these blogs seem to be, I am not a practical person in that light the twist and turns of my life will attest to.
Now of course I have to get practical or serious in some cases. Taking care of myself. I need help financially, there is no more kindness of stranger or Mom. Of course once the house sells there shall be an amount that if properly managed can subside the plans I have to maintain my photography work, and build a healing/spiritual practice.
Until than I had to apply for food stamps, which I received and has been very useful for purchase of food.
There was a blog planned for that discussion. The uses of the gifts of natures goodness, plants and veggies. A friend had taken me to Produce Junction and we shared our abundance and I was more than grateful, overwhelmed with the kindness. What so much a little could buy.
Before all of this I had connected with a friend who has a space that is called Holistic Living Studio in Glassboro NJ. We shared Reiki together and as we checked in with each other she offered the space to do my Reiki practice and to host the Reiki Share. At the time I was still kind of numb but grateful for the offer and I truly considered it. A month ago we had our first Reiki share group which well attended, the vibrations/energy motivated those numb parts of me to say yes. Let’s do this thing!
I placed out into the Universe that I am receiving Reiki Clients, three days a week during certain hours. The Universe has not gotten that message out yet but I am sure she will very soon. Along with that a friend got in touch with me with in days of saying yes to the use of the studio about doing Essential Oils workshop and a Fire Ceremony Shamanic event. We got the energy flowing for those to happen.
In that same inspiration, we discussed Reiki 1 classes for the fall. I am looking into Crystal and stone practice healing workshops, and meditation practice, as well as so many other assorted possibilities.
How practical is all of that. This is what I am suppose to do, these are the gifts I was given to share. This has been my vision for a long time. The light is now beginning to shine brightly again.
One more gift that was graciously given to me. A few weeks before my birthday I placed on my status on Facebook if anyone wished to give me a Birthday gift, the suggestion was to purchase Street Photo books from Michael Penn. I had committed to buy his self produced Philadelphia Project, full page black and white photography magazines for $10 each. With the recent setback financially I could not afford them, and he had been saving them for me. Within less than an hour someone who I know from photography group messaged me that he was working with Michael to get the books for me. I was stunned and extremely excited and beyond grateful! I received all the back-ordered books and more, a week later!
These gifts are gifts that have been so freely given. I hope to honor that with my practice of healing and paying it forward when opportunities present themselves!
I have chosen the steps, I have consciously awakened mind, body, and spirit, through continual practice of sharing gratitude that allow the flow and vibration to bring these sources of abundance to us. The Universe has more than enough to share, so share the gifts of love.
“And what’s funny is that if we take small steps each day, each moment, when we look back, we can be amazed at how far we’ve come. The key is to not let the chaos and the pain stop you, but to realize that they are also an important and vital part of life.” Mastin Kipp: The Daily Love Blog
The whole purpose to write, to journal is to take those small steps each day. After I wrote yesterday the censor came to visit, saying ” Yo! People don’t want to read this stuff everyday.” I know that and these pages are not for people, they are for me, my personal journey through everyday stuff. If others receive insight, wisdom, clarity, or guidance good for them!
Through the fog of one of my recurring headaches I stumble on to these pages. The day always begins with attention to the dogs. Riley now infirm, doesn’t move around much, so cleanup is a necessary step. Make the coffee, walk Muffin in the freezing weather. She is such a joy, she reminds me to laugh. If I let her out before I get all my warm clothes on she will just basically stand there waiting. As soon as I walk outside, she falls to the ground and rolls over, rolling about. Seemingly saying “here I am dad play with me. Rub my belly. ” Because we are not going anywhere very fast until I do just that.
The shadows of the Moon greeted us this morning at 5:45 am. Grateful for no wind, the trees created beautiful shadows, and picture perfect moments of clouds, moon lit paths… I thought I should have my camera, than about photos already taken I could use here. Breathing the fresh frozen air seem to cool the headache a bit as we walked in the almost silent silvery moment.
Digging out “the Artist’s Way” from under pile other books which cover many spaces of shelves, desks, and surface, because I had the sense that I may need to explain what morning pages are, or maybe just remind myself of their purpose! Distracted by trying to discover the proper use of they’re, there, and their. Oy!
Finding and opening “the Artist’s Way” is like reconnecting to an old friend. There is warm and encouragement in the words, in the process of taking action to unravel or understand the chaos of daily life. The daily life of just doing. Going about from one thing to another without much thought just to get a chore done or a meal made, or a medication given. The sameness of it all is dull, boring, and blocking of much of my creative juice. Oh god this is difficult, the headache just wants to push everything else out-of-the-way.
Morning pages are to be “three pages” stream of consciousness writing, everyday, for no one else but ourselves. They are to shine light in the dull boring places of blockage, to awaken us to our creativity. There are no right or wrong ways to write your pages. They are not a story or essay, there are more or less ramblelings of a mad man… it is about recovery of creativity, getting out of our own way. From there everything else may flow. Or not?
The censor/ego even began to assert itself when there was only one comment to the blog, and then two more when I re-posted on my FB “Nature Spirit Photography page. Which is underused ! As stated above censor almost caused me not to write this morning, suggesting that no one wants to read this stuff every day. I don’t care. do I ?
A thought came to me on the walk back to the house, something about is not bravery facing the fear, is not bravery being present amongst the chaos of everyday challenges. The dragon I have to tame is myself, the dragon is part of me but is not me in completion. Dragon is the roaring defense of loss, confusion. The protector as. Are loss/pain and chaos not the keys to letting go, to moving on, to getting over or through the block?
“When you welcome your emotions as teachers, every emotion brings good news, even the ones that are painful.” – Gary Zukav
Is lack of sanity an emotion? Have I gone insane? Have I created a Groundhog day event of the life? If so why? What has become so frightening about my life that I refuse to live it. Live it fully once again… These and many other questions may or may not be answered in the what follows today or any-day soon.
I have heard the voice to write like a woodpecker hitting a tree trunk, knock, knock, knock, knock, hammering away the stubborn layers of bark, and hard word to get to the meat of thing. I mentioned to a few friends that I have been hearing that voice to write, to begin to blog, do morning pages again. Morning pages were responsible for the beginning of this blog. After writing the morning pages for the length of time required/suggested in the book The Artist Way, 12 weeks, Julia Cameron suggest to continue writing morning pages to keep the flow going.
So are these blogs going to be morning pages? It is a place to start, a beginning. And we can only begin where we are. So here I am ready to stand before myself and everyone naked through my words. Even trying write this, flinging off the darkness, the cover of silence, feels vulnerable. So be it.
It is the Holiday Season, and… in the past few weeks I have been journeying down memory lane. First it was joining the Magnolia NJ Facebook page which I thought may be a good way to connect with local goings on. I didn’t and still don’t have a lot of connection with the community I live in. Even as a child, I seem to have lived or created a different reality to the one outside. Did I have imaginary friends, no not really. I had religion, I was on the search even than. Well being in this local group opened up closets that have long been closed. Do I even want to go there now?
The first snow of the season opened the doors. Someone was recalling sledding down hills, streets, etc. The one hill I recall was behind my girlfriend’s house, we were teenagers, which went down into the major road. The girlfriend would become my wife in a few years and then my x-wife a few years after that. Well x-wife messages me that her Mother has passed, and she and Mike her husband, and my best friend from our Air Force days, along with daughter are here to attend the viewing, did I wish to join them for lunch? I did. I attended the viewing as well.
Earlier in the week a member of the Magnolia group posted our grade school graduation photo, we were the first graduating class from St Gregory’s, 1967! Oy! Even had to locate myself, people I have had no contact with in years. Some I even went to high school, some my first crushes… Just to meet a two of them a few days later at the Senior Christmas Lunch.
These are all unfolding stories, unraveling memories, there was a mention of a young man who had died in a car accident who lived across the street from us, how I remember that young man, the pain of that loss…
What is the purpose of all of these dusty memories? And none of these “stories” have anything to do with my sanity or insanity, or do they?
Each of those memories have expanded stories of course, those stories may get to see the light of day for the may shine on some of the shadows of my earlier life.
For now Mom’s Alzheimer’s is holding steady, I see some patterns which make dealing situations a little more responsive rather than reactive. I don’t think I am very good company for her, and in some way, I think it is becoming abusive. Abusive emotionally and spiritually for both of us. The day to day routine of going about our day is rather unproductive, meals, chores, a few walks for her if the weather is cooperating. She cleans those house, more or less. Fusses with the dogs. Makes strange combinations of food items, if I am not there to pay attention. Always asking if there is something she can do, when I am doing my own chores, or making meals or baking. I would be nice to have help but help is more like supervising, so it is easier most times to do it myself. We found some old coloring books, she has begun doing some those pages. Her attention span is not long, even shorter if I am doing something within seeing or hearing distance, she wants to “help”.
As for art/photography: I realized I have not been taking as many photos in the past few weeks, could be the weather, could be not motivated which scares me. I view photographs everyday, belonging to several photography groups keeps them passing across my screen. Events have been difficult to attend, I do have one small photo in The Plastic Club’s Exhibition of “Weather”. Gearing up to curate a Photographic Society Exhibition in Feb. which could be the project that gets me through the winter.
Welcoming the teachings of emotions has got me to these pages. Is there good new here? Yes the writing, and the exposing. The painful emotions of confusion, anger, loss that come from memories of the past, or even desire for the future while I seek to live in the moment are the lessons of evolving, even though it feels like going backward. It is in the “welcoming” hello emotions set down and chat or come along while I take some photographs or make meals or do everyday chores. What do you have to say to me?
It seems life if full of questions, even questions for the questions. They seem to be strange traveling companions these “questions”. These too will reveal themselves…
(a spiritual life is) a way of being and living in balance. Balance has a lot to do with it. Not letting anything get heavier than the rest. Clyde Hall
Now here is the trick to all life finding the flow of balance, balance is not a flat line but a constant shift, a harmony so to speak of making beautiful music so life can dance, energies can soar. Love, of course being the source of the energy that informs and offers infinite possibilities to continuously dance around the spiral of life.
This comes about because I realize that my sadness or sense of depression is the letting go of old parts of me, the egos way of trying to hold on. There is a task in Chapter 5 of The Artist’s Way that ask, “My payoff for staying blocked is … ? I won’t have to grow more, yet evolving is what my life has been all about. Staying blocked I can live up to all the old tapes and voice that say things like, who do you think you are, why don’t you have a “real” job like other people, etc, etc. Staying blocked in some ways feels safe, yet it is like going back to a bad relationship, one that does not work but one that you are comfortable in.
What comes to mind while writing the above is the now fairly famous quote from Marianne Williamson, Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.
To me one of the most powerful statements to our ego from our spirit to shine brightly, giving us permission to move beyond who we were to who we truly are, Divinity in action. God experiencing itself through our being, being present, being creative, being loving while doing all the wondrous task of living our lives fully.
There is no pay off to staying block none what so ever… So why would I want to stay blocked, even still why would I bother doing the work of re-discovering who I am, if I just wanted to stay where I am now. So it is the struggle of ego to hold on to old patterns while new patterns are being forged in the fire of self examination, in setting intentions to be creative in all areas of my life, allowing the Divine source to inform, to expand, to shine from my example of a life lived in the harmony of the music of the spheres.
Another piece that spoke to me this morning from Chapter 5: Recovering the Sense of Possibility, are these lines from page 95, “Recovery is the process of finding the river and saying yes to the flow, rapids and all. We startle ourselves by saying yes instead of no to opportunities. We begin to pry ourselves loose from our old self-concepts, we find that our new, emerging self may enjoy all sorts of bizarre adventures”
Because I find myself saying yes to adventures and than when it comes time to step out into them a balk, I ignore, my trust and fear wave in my face. But that is trust in old concepts, not concepts from Love, from Divine power. I have yet entered an adventure that has not turned out ok, to even awesome when coming from place of complete trust that this is the correct moment for this adventure. So what the heck am I waiting for? Stop playing the push me, pull me game and embrace the dance for all it is worth!
Growth Question: Do you struggle with your Higher purpose?
All healing occurs by bringing whatever the issue is into the heart. Within the heart an issue be seen for what it really is. Richard Ellis
As I walked in the wood this morning I felt more in touch, more interwoven into the nature I see and experience everyday than I have in some time. I treated my artist to a Reiki Share last evening, it was one of the most healing experiences I have had in ages. It has refreshed my spirit, open my heart and senses. I have known about this Reiki share for over a year and had not allowed myself to attend for one reason or another. It was time, this was about accepting who I am as a healer, who I am with sharing my gifts as a healer or a source for healing. Healing of self and the assistance of helping others to heal whatever parts of them that need healing attention.
There where two other participants, my friend Lou, we shared the ride, Julie, and Jodie the Reiki master. We sat in a circle to share were we where coming from in our practice and our intentions for the evening. Breathing into the space to center ourselves bringing earth and sky together on the second floor Reiki space. We each would get 7 minuets a piece of hands on healing, it does not seem like much time but with three people with hope hearts and clear intentions of bringing healing to the space and each other, it was a powerful experience.
Personally once I was on the table, after working on all the others, I was not as relaxed as I thought I would be, my whole mid-section and back was extremely tense, I had to bring my feet up, to relieve the uncomfortableness. The energy was great, I felt the warmth and Loving enter and expand as the healing progressed. Those 7 minuets where extremely moving. The light headedness of he session last for quiet some time. Which brings me back to this morning and walking with a much more open sense of space and energy.
I also realize that Jodie may perhaps be the healer I have been unconsciously seeking in the past few years, since returning to NJ. She is trained in many modalities, that have been in my path for sometime. Such herbs and essential oils, she is also of native descent ! She seem to be a wealth of sources in one place. She seems interested in what I have to offer as well! Wow! How powerful is that?
The path has been there all this time and I have refused to walk it, or I was just not ready and now I am. The journey has begun once again. I have plans to attend the Shamanic Circle next monday as well, something I have put off for over a year too. It is truly time to embrace these energies, more fully and to share them in practice and ways of living. They can only infuse my life with more harmony and abundance, if I allow them and I intent too fully.
These gifts are part of my creativity, they are part of what infuses my work as a photographer, they are the reason I began to photograph and continue to do so!
Growth Questions: How did you gift present themselves?
Spirit is the distillation arising from the rich and bubbly brew in the pot, out of which new possibilities keep emerging. The world of spirit is made up of an ever-expanding continuum that finds new ways to touch and enhance the human world. Harry Hay
In ever-expanding search for self the possibilities are endless. I was once again drawn to Gay Soul: Finding the Heart of Gay Spirit and Nature. I find thoughts and ideas that inform me as gay man, a gay man of spirit, a gay man who has sought more from his life that the endless round of bars and dysfunctional lover relationship or ever surface relationships with other gay men. Which lead me to Easton Mt Retreat Center and Radical Faeries . This journey has led my along many paths, paths filled with gifts beyond imagining, as well as gifts of dancing with the shadow. Fighting the demons, journeying to underground places to restore parts of me that had been lost in addiction, broken hearts, seemingly wrong choices. Yet all choices led me to where I am today. Some choices where conscious, some where unconscious and unclear, even conscious choices sometimes seem to be unclear, until I can look back on why such a choice was made.
I have attracted these gifts and blessing to me to create or awaken within me more of spirit, more of the Divine that sings and shines within as well as stands aside when the choices I make are not of the best interest to spirit but ego. Allowing the gift of confusion, pain, to inform me of where the work is that I may need to do, to evolve into the Being I wish to be.
One of my spiritual mentor Andrew Harvey shares this about the nature of the world using the Buddhists sense of Samsara,” is the endless, unending round of birth and death, and everything in samsara is designed to break and be inadequate: we are not meant to be comforted or safe in anything. The only safety is in the realization of our divine nature, a condition of complete simplicity that cost us not less the everything.”
I have recently wrote about what Julia Cameron writes about as Virtue Trap, that trap of doing something out of service but with the wrong mind-set. For without taking care of ourselves first, finding our own space, to write, to create, to pray, meditate, learning to love ourselves service is a tool for resentment, it is a block to creativity and block of our spirit to infuse ourselves to be fully present in the world. Julia ask us to create a list of activities that would seem crazy to others but playful, joyful events for our spirit and maybe ego. Those opportunities that I wrote about yesterday of Reiki sharing, Shaman Circle, other photograph groups and events, even just socializing more to create friendships, and maybe more. In the past few days I have had to opportunity to chat with some young men who are seeking their path. Friends of the heart have shared here of their own Virtue Traps, and I am grateful for their feeling safe to share those self-destructive patterns, for in writing them allows the light to shine on blocks, even if we don’t see or feel the shift just yet how to get out, the moment is coming, the opportunities will keep presenting themselves until taken or completely ignored.
Two of the Basic Principles share this : Creativity is God’s gift to us. Using our creativity is our gift back to God.
The Refusal to be creative is self-will and is counter to our nature.
In those principles I find guidance and strength, I find purpose to continue to allow spirit to inform me, to create with me and for me as I evolve into the being I truly am.
Growth Question: Make a list of activities that you may think are crazy in other peoples minds.
Look and you will find it – what is unsought will go undetected. Sophocles
This morning has been an unusual one. It seems that I have been out of my consciousness, as I walked in the woods this morning I had to stop and be in the woods, for I was there physically but I was not present in my mind and I was not aware that I was anywhere, I was not thinking anything, I was just drawn into the wood. I had brought the camera, yet nothing else had change much, yet I was drawn back to the stream and small puddle where the Turtle I had come across because of Muffin’s reaction while she was seeking to find a some water. The first time I did not have the camera yesterday, and the second time because I figure the turtle had moved on, yet there it was, so later in the day I did take the camera and turtle was still hanging out in its little pool of muddy water… yet this morning I was drawn back to that spot once again, it is the same spot where I have encountered the Great Horned Owls! According to Turtle Medicine“Turtle can help lead us to that space where we can finally move on, to let go of what has been, celebrate it for the gifts it gave us and finally to turn and head for a new shore. Turtle people themselves often feel that their life is an endless series of endings and new beginnings, that like the tides, their lives are constantly in flux and they must learn to shift and tack as the current carries them along.”
I don’t find this so in my life but the Turtle showing up may be just that, informing me to create the new space to move on, to but in to practice my healing and shamanic teachings. For my sister had come home yesterday and informed me that the little restaurant up the road was hiring experienced servers. Sis could be informing me because she wants me out of her way, or time to begin to pull more of my own weight in adding to the financial flow of the house. That house keeping is just not enough. Or because she cares as well, to have me working. Yet my thoughts have been once again about the space in the garage, to clean in out, and make studio living space for me and the dogs. I have also considered approaching the center where I worked before I went to Easton Mt, about renting an office there. I considered this paths when I first came home and something stopped me, yet it has been the path that has been on my mind for sometime now, the fear and self-esteem seem to cause me to balk at accomplishing.
Yesterday I wrote about the opportunities that I am aware that I have not taken advantage of a Shaman circle that meets about a half hour away from here, I met this women the first year I came home, yet I have not found my way there. I also was introduced to a spiritual healing circle/meet up that I attended once, the experience was awesome, yet I was not sure I was ready to move into that “higher” space, plus I felt some spiritual superiority about these people, that the personalities were too raw, their practices too new and uninformed. I have also put off attending some of the Reiki sharing events that happen every month due to excuses of not wanting to drive that far, I did not want to spend the $10 or whatever for the practice of sharing. Yet it is time to place all of that on my daily weekly practice, to be informed, to be in the energy of healing and recovery.
There is a paragraph from The Artist’s Way that spoke to me this morning, resonated with something deep within me. It says, “Many of us have made a virtue out of deprivation. We have embraced a long-suffering artistic anorexia as a martyr’s cross. We have used it to feed a sense of spirituality grounded in being good, meaning superior.
I call this seductive, faux spirituality the Virtue Trap. Spirituality has often been misused as a route to an unloving solitude, a stance where we proclaimed ourselves above our human nature. This spiritual superiority is really only one more form of denial. For an artist, virtue can be deadly. The urge toward respectability and maturity can be stultifying, even fatal.”
I need to breathe through these words, I need to meditate from that place to see if I have truly rationalized my spirituality into a superior behavior, part of me knows it is so true. That I have denied myself social contact because I find many others lacking in any spiritual intelligence (funny, here I am trying to be intelligent and I could not even spell the word). I have denied myself fun and play because I believe fun and play has no place in being spiritual, or at least some part of me does.
Once again is about balance, it is about finding the spaces, situations, people that I can be myself with, I can be authentic, yes we move beyond some people once we move into recovery of our true selves, our artist, our Higher being, yet to idea is to attract those beings that dance with your essence, vibrate with your energy, that encourage and support each other in friendship and creativity.
I think I could go on and on, for I think I am on to something here… a shift in perspective, a shift in behavior of opening up more, expanding and exploring! Yet the thought process is getting muddled, the clarity is misty over.
Growth Question: This one is a seek and find. What came up for you while reading this blog?
An open heart is a fertile bed that allows out true nature to emerge and reveal itself. Out inner being, higher self, spirit or divine nature speaks from the heart. With an open heart our bodies become infused with love, light and truth. Richard Ellis
The above quote is from Reiki: And the Seven Chakras. I have added the study and practice of this book to my reclaiming my artist and self work which I am doing with the Life Harmony program. Even through discussion of the chakras for each self are part of the process I have felt the need to explore the balance and imbalance of each Chakras for my own healing as well as to inform my healing practice of what I sense and see within client. It will allow for a more fully encompassed healing and effective treatment.
I feel this comes about because of the quote at the end of yesterdays blog/pages from The Prophet in which I shared my feelings around my experience living and leaving the community, of Easton Mt Retreat . Since than I have been unraveling the bandages around my heart, trying to find trust and love in my fellow brothers, finding and trusting the love within myself to expand my life once again. These are all tools for doing just that. To take the risk each day to write this blog/morning pages to the public opens the door to my heart more and more each day.
There are many times I do not follow through on Social opportunities because of my lack of trust, yet I have not had a bad experience in some time. And if I did I would hope that I could stay within my pain and understand it. Richard Ellis once again shares this about opening, allowing the heart charkra to be in balance, The day that love is lost from the outside and instead of retreating we remain in our heart, allow the pain in and stay open to it to the same degree as we were to the pleasure of love, is the day we anchor ourselves in the heart.
This means to show up, take the risk, embrace the joy as well as the pain. To dance with the shadow and the light, ego and essence !
Mom ask my to go with her to her friends 80 birthday party because she is uncomfortable driving due to the fact she is on some type of pain medication for her neck/headache. Which makes her feel unbalanced or something. So that is later today, this morning I am going to go get my hair cut .
Don’t seem to have anything else to write or express!
Growth Question: How do you know if and when your heart is open?