Pursuit of change

Human beings are so uncomfortable with change because at some deep level, on some cellular level, the bigger the change, the greater the opportunity for loss of survival. Neale Donald Walsch

Butterfly's are free

I keep trying to put this off, distracting myself with other things some productive some not so much! So what is it about blogging, writing my pages that causes me to stop in my tracks? Some days I can’t wait to get here, to write, to share, to visualize, to play, to reflect on my progress, if there is any, and there usually is progress, some of it small, some risk taking, going beyond the norm, what has become a norm. I even had the thought when I first got up and sat down at the computer that the first thing I do today is write my blog/pages. Several hours later I am finally here!

Yesterday I message my friend Chris Bartlett Excutive director of the William Way GLBT center in Philly about the up coming Blue Ball, to see whether I could be the official photographer, or not so official for the center or the Radical Faeries who are attending this major fund raising event, which the proceeds go to the center this year. Chris messaged back to come on over. To my surprise and delight! I also had ask him about a project that has been coming up for me emotionally and spiritually, a photographic journal of Transgender people. After I had read a piece on line from the Philadelphia Gay Calendar about a trans woman who had been attacked by some young men in our own gayborhood. I realized we need to place a face on transgendered people, we need to hear and see more of their stories. This theme has not completely fleshed it self out yet, and I was approaching Chris for some of his wisdom and advise on directions, he suggested we talk soon.

a change in color

Once I received his return message I was thrilled and then I was frightened, what the heck have I just committed myself too? Yet I was following spirit, I have been looking for new creative ways to approach my work, to add new energy to my art, and this seem to be a new direction, stepping out of my comfort zone. Breathe! Breathe!

This all did come about as well from my being with faeries in Sorbet Heart Circle/pot luck Sunday evening, and a discussion on the way home with a couple of guys, discussing the evening, the emotional, trusting space that we opened and allowed our heart to speak. Each person came from a deep place, allowing them selves to be truly open. My biggest statement was that I am done victimizing myself, that I am reaching out, I am trusting in the circle of Loving Faeries that I have found companions allow the path to continue to heal, and to grow emotionally, spiritually, and creatively !!!

texture and light!

So I jumped off, I ask an have received affirmation that I was being supported and encouraged!

Received a message from the Salem County Art League that Beans Coffee shop has approached the league to exhibit again. So that exhibit will be Nov 4th 6-8 pm, this will run through Dec. Along with the leagues exhibit at the Pennsville Library from Oct 3  to Oct 16th. Than there is the Philly Photo Society exhibit which I believe is the middle of next month.

Last night another friend David, offered to contact a person he knows about Photographing at the AIDS Walk Oct 17, and to photograph Gay Bingo, gay bingo has been a Philly happening for many years, I have never been. My thoughts around photographing these events is to get a fresh look at functions that may have become too common place, and could use some new life.

How is that for progress?

Growth Question: Do you pursue change? Is it comfortable

Logic brain, Artist Brain

Logic brain is our Censor, our second (and third and fourth) thoughts. Artist brain is our inventor, our child, our very own personal absent-minded professor. The Artist’s Way

acorn eclipse

Oh gosh how empty and blank this page is, how difficult to find things to write about some mornings and those mornings the pages/blog doesn’t get written. I distract myself with email, and Facebook. Both forms of communication yet not as meditative as writing my pages/blog!

A quote my present itself before the end of writing, at the moment nothing is resonating.

Thursday evening I left the house to go to Philly without my camera, instead carrying a bag with a lighter shorts and t-shirt and Yoga mat. Yes, I joined the faeries at yoga for the first time. I have know about this practice since I connecting to the Faeries in Philly, yet only had attended the after yoga pot luck once this summer. So I step out of my comfort zone, placed my mat on the floor, and got to it. Well first of all, I was late, and the men were already sitting in mediation, Sherwood, graciously welcomed me, with his smiling face.  I changed into comfortable shorts and dark blue T that I brought, found a place on the edge to the floor to set in the few remaining moments of meditation, that moved to a more suitable space to practice the movements of yoga. Wow, I had not moved my body in such a way in a long long time. Parts where difficult, yet rewarding to know I could get into position or it would not take my body much to get stretched out again, but not on this first night.

Tree yoga instructor was truly instructive and constantly accessing, gently reminding us what each pose/posture was about as well as it is effects on our body, mind and spirit. The experience was certainly one of the best I have had in sometime. I was a bit light-headed and my body felt extremely impacted. As I walked down the stairs to go the store next door to purchase items for the pot luck, I felt I had sea legs, that I had to feel the steps under my feet and the impact on my legs. I have to say my body is still a bit sore but I know it was for a good reason.

Forest Floor

Pot Luck is always a clamours time of getting food items set out, dishes set up, people coming and going, the hustle and bushel of preparing a meal, the greetings of the guys, catching up, calming down, easing in to the evening meal.  Which we first gather in a circle around the kitchen, hand and linked, some with arms around shoulders, very comradery… this is the time introduce ourselves, to make announcements about the evenings time, clean up process, general rules of the honoring the space. The other announcements are about what is going on, events, exhibits, heart circles, fundraiser, asking for assistance in some matter.

It was truly great to be in that space to be with men, gay, to catch up with some, to meet others for the first time, to share events, while sharing a meal, sitting mostly on the floor around a big low wooden table, the whole atmosphere is laid back and relaxed. Men are lounging this way and that leaning on each other, sitting between legs of others sitting on the sofas.

There is a part of my that still does not feel comfortable in that presence, I feel a sense of neediness from deep within me, the desire to be acknowledged, I had a feeling I was doing too much talking about myself, yet I made a conscious effort to ask about what was going for them as well. I am still an outsider in many ways because I am not around all that much, yet I am making my way.  All in all it was a wise and wondrous evening of yoga and fellowship/comradery ! It was a great treat to my spirit.

Drying and dying

Friday was a day of rest, when I got home Thursday evening, took a walk with the dogs, it was 11 pm, greeted the Moon in all her glory shinning on the field as we made our way around, no skunks this time.  At home I sat with the dogs for a while until they settled down again, I on the computer until after 12 am… brings me back to the next day Friday, a day of resting my sore muscles, catching up on sleep, etc. The censor in my head going on and on about the sketch clubs juried art show submissions. The censor saying your not a member of the sketch club, my artist saying, ‘the information does not say anything about having to be an member’, as well as call them an ask before go over there with your work.’ Plus there is a line about “clipped frames” I am not sure what they mean by clipped frames, so another reason to call. If the first questions is a yes, you need not worry or you can chose other frames and work. So I did not make the call. I plan to this morning, the submission time is 1-5 pm and I was planning on going to the Gairad Fest on the other side of town that I would have to drive to anyway. So I didn’t have to make two trips to Philly.

Growth question: How often to you let logic talk you out of doing creative fun things?

I am Love, Jeff

The action of words and thoughts!

Capturing the Sun

Actions are words moving. Words are thoughts expressed. Thoughts are ideas formed. Ideas are energies come together. Energies are forces released. Forces are elements existent. Elements are particles of God, portions of All, the stuff of everything. Conversations with God Bk 1.

The action of writing my thoughts expressed as they flow through me body’s energy and end up here on this page allow me to envision my path, clear out what is behind to move along unencumbered to the next moment free of old patterns, baggage, defeating, blocking thoughts. The writing allows me to let go, to view where I am from where I have been to where I wish to be.

I was drawn to sit outside this morning to have my breakfast and read in as the Solstice arrived over my shoulder, shining on the back of my head. The dogs and I took our second walk during the arrival of the time when the sun would be in its highest place. In the cool darkness of the wood, having the light illuminate the path and crowns of the trees. The birds sang as usual, the owls did not show themselves, the fragrance of drying plants, lingering honeysuckle and other sweet sharps scents drifting by in those moments. Trying to keep my mind clear, seeking to be present, not thinking of the blog that I am now writing. Allowing myself to just feel the moments of being surrounded by nature, from head to toe, but also from breath to breath spiraling through my body. There has been a sense of lightness, even light-headedness, that I breathe through, asking it to inform me of what it means. No answer. Just Be.

Just Being!

I did my reading while sitting in yard eating my oatmeal with fresh blueberry’s, surrounded by chirping sparrow, flitting by, tree to tree, a few robins calling to their young, the dogs at my feet making sure I don’t escape until they have no longer need for me attention. Once again the reading was “Gay Soul” as well as “The Emotion Behind Money” of course these two books don’t naturally flow into each other yet they both inform and define who I am and who I wish to be. Learning the language of these self’s, holding the affirmations that the material offers that may or may not resonate with me allows for the multifaceted gem that I am to begin to smooth out the rough edges and even polish the smooth facets to shine in the light of self-care.

In Gay Soul I was reading the interview with Will Roscoe in which he shares his vision and passion in redefining “gay people in terms of gender and not sexuality, a stance that challenges the basic assumptions of the modern gay movement…” according to Mark Thompson’s profile of Will Roscoes work and research. Again another place I have sought clarity and understanding to define how I show up in the world.

The Motion Behind Money by Julie Murphy Casserly offers insights, exercises in how to redefine the roles money plays in my life, at this point changing the language, shifting to positive affirmations such as from saying  “I can’t afford that” to “I will start saving for that.” or “I don’t know where to start” to “I will create a plan.” To change the energy around my thinking about money, to thinking positive about money. Thing is I don’t think much about money at all. So it is how money presents itself to me, noncommittal, illusive. Hmm? Julie Murphy Casserly states “the image that you currently focus on is your current reality. If you chose to see a different perspective, your reality will change.”

In the pink

I had to shift my perspective on my social life as well, from a fear based one to one of trust. Because my perspective is based on past behavior from myself and those around me at the time. I have changed social sittings, I have changed my need to desire to be present in a loving, sharing, encouraging community. I went to the Heart Circle/Pot Luck gathering with Radical Faeries, 13 people attended and sat in circle. Passing the Amethyst ball around from person to person to share, once we past the tarot card deck from hand to hand to gather the energy of each of us, then to pull one card, to guide and led us into a heart centered share. The called pulled was the ten of cup, success: One of the meanings for this card seems to fit the moment well. “The ten of cups Tarot card meaning comes through loud and clear. This card is an energetic indicator of good times, accomplishments and relishing all the joys that come from being a part of a community of loving friends and family.” How perfect was that. I was glad I attended That I gifted myself with the this energy of Loving men, and one women, who are in a place of redefining their purpose and relationship to community as not just gay people but what I means to be a Radical Faerie in the middle of a city like Philadelphia. Allowing myself to sit in circle, to listen from my heart, to hear the healing all are doing, that I have not been alone on this path, only acting as if I were.  I found myself once again connecting to men, to offering hugs, receiving hugs, having and or listening to meandering conversations but also connecting to energies of certain men in the room. When I got home I made sure I friended them on Facebook, commented on my experience in meeting them and opening the door for later connections.

part of

( taken by a friend)

I thought about getting night shots of West Philly and University of Penn out laying area but I talked myself out it. Darn!

Growth Questions: Do your actions convey your words and or thoughts?  Positive or negative.

I am Love, Jeff