Suddenly I seemed to have awakened once again from dancing with shadows only to arrive here now. Into a normal day, if Saturdays are ever normal, Holy Saturday in fact, of the Easter/Passover weekend. The weekend is also in high vibrational shift astronomically with the Second of three Eclipse in the year, over a full Moon.
I have been artistically block or shut down, I kept making photo, I kept at the creative work yet it was feeling numb about most of what I was doing, when I was doing it.
Just now I came in from a photography walk with Muffin, our first walk of the day, I was feeling excited and thrilled to have gone out to make photos this morning, which begun out the apartment windows. The clouds and light was just magnificent among the cityscape I could no longer resist. I had not real subject in mind when headed out the door with zoom lens attached, I knew it would be useful if the water fowl were about or whatever else came across my vision.
The excitement of what I felt was a welcomed friend, I knew that I just was in the process of creation, whether there are any good photos among these shots it really matters not. The essence is that process happen out of pure joy of Being present in the world. I was not escaping from anything, I was not seeking anything, I was just following my bliss.
I am not sure I conveyed the experience or the relief properly, my objective was to make a statement “that the path has opened up for me once again”
I was not looking for the moment, I was not trying to make something happen, Suddenly It and I was there! Suddenly the recognition was there, that Ah Ha Moment! Pure pure Bliss!!
I have been writing morning pages for the past month that is one of the reasons blogs where being written or published. It is a month now that I have been in my new apartment and life seems to have a bit of flow to it again. So I share today’s page.
Morning Pages: February 10th, 2015
I have desired to blog for weeks now and I have made one attempt or may be two, those attempts ended in not being published for some reason or other. Mostly because they didn’t feel like the words were correct or what I was trying to say or even wanted to say came across. Maybe I was protecting myself from more loss? For the expression of truthfulness seems to have caused so called friends to abandon their relationships with me. Maybe all I had to say and or do what said on Facebook while going through the process of clearing the house, the family home. Closing the book of family memories once and for all, packing and storing, and most of all throwing much of it in the trash, there is no way to really comprehend it all of that except having the experience. I suppose it is life event, the letting go of loved ones, the change or shift from one generation to the next. There seemed to be no support, there was none of the Hall Mark Moments of meaningful conversations, there was no cathartic conversations or Ah ha moments, there was just a sense of let’s get this done. Let’s finish this task and move on with our lives. Those moments where fraught with doing and not much Being present for the past, present for the memories that may inform, may enlighten one or all of us as a family as once being part of a family that shared growing together, share holidays and birthday, shared lives and deaths. Instead separated lives were created and maintained, it was us against them. Or maybe I am only seeing the experience from my own perspective, or may own emotional or none emotional point of view.
I know that I seemed to have been robbed of my opportunity for grief by being placed into a situation that was a battle of wills and personalities. Where a friend was needed none arrived, what I was presented with was my own self will, a bit of self-defense, and then courage to move forward, to create the life I needed one step at a time. There was no time to wallow in grief, there was no time for depression there was only time for pushing through all the abandonment, all the loss, to live for the day. Was the tempers where quieted, once the smoke of battle was cleared, breaking camp, gathering the strength to move ahead. Relationships were broken; one even shattered in the winter freeze, there was only myself and Higher Power to truly depend on. Each day was a new moment to create a life from the rumble. That is the journey, which is the past. I may wish to look back on it from time to time to inform me of where I have been, who I was and who I had to become through the process of this life event. Yet I will not linger there with the thoughts of if this would have happened, or if this person would have done this or that or such and such should have been there. Those thoughts are only thoughts of depression, those are wishful thinking. I was granted my own vision, my own path. There were people that showed up, one was a virtual stranger, and she became the rescue angel. I am extremely grateful for her stepping up and gifting me with the hope that life was going to work out; giving me the distraction of creative work to accomplish that occupied my time and my mind. The encouragement was there is gentle asking or informing this is what is next. Listening while I let go of all the frustration and anger as well as listening to the tasks of everyday moving forward even when it felt like nothing was ever going to change.
Of course there were others there too. Fellowships in the form of meetings, there was daily readings and mediation of those readings, there were text and rides, there where phone calls to relieve the frustration. There were many walks in the park with Muffin and photograph taking. There were many moments of letting go, being willing to do whatever it was I had to do to get through the day, sober and sane. Asking for what I needed even when I didn’t really know what I needed or if I did how I was going to acquire any of it. I had to surrender many many times; to get out of my own way and let the Universe inform my intuition that one path was better than another.
I have been given a new opportunity or course each day is a new opportunity to create that which I need in my life. I have been granted a new place to live which met most of all of my desire, the most important a place to live with Muffin, place that I am responsible for. It is not exactly what I envisioned yet it very comfortable, if I am to be alone than alone in my own space, my own home is preferable than alone among others. I can and will cultivate new friends, new creative and healing opportunities. There are days I wish those where all in place already yet what it means is that I still have barriers to break through, my own fear, my own self-worth and self-love. Being responsible for everyday life, and the events that make that function, healthy eating, daily walking, morning prayers/meditations/readings, getting the rest I need. Asking and or seeking help when needed not expecting someone to come rescue me. That someone is myself that someone or something, is knowing that the Universe gives you exactly what you need when you need it.
I have been truly blessed!
Each person showed up with their gifts whether I received their gifts as a challenger or a reward those people were true to themselves. Each situation was an opportunity to experience life and use creative tools to move ahead I am thankful for each of those.
Perhaps the hardest thing about the path is that it’s
entirely up to us how far we go, how deep we go,
how authentic we become. No one else can do it
for us—it’s all ours, it’s the art of self-creation, it’s
adult responsibility. It’s such a private decision we
come back to time and again—Am I willing to do
the work to find and to live my path? Do I have the
faith, courage and persistence I need to keep getting
back up off the ground when things go awry? How
badly do I want an authentic life? What price am I
willing to pay to create one? Jeff Brown
Am I a willing to do what it takes? Paying the price sometimes feels to high, for the price seems to be my sanity, my voice, my creativity! For the past year I have been my Mother’s caregiver, not a position I apply for but one that seems to have been dropped in my path. It is my challenge to find the way through what seems darkness of financial, government and state administrations that are riddle of, do this, go here, now go there, fill this out, did you see this person or that, have you appeared for the Doctor, Lawyer, etc?
In the mean time I pull myself into distractions, food via sugar, Facebook via photography sites, which are rewarding and educational creating a time-lapse of heightened senses . A Tumblr account that started out as a porn page but has “evolved” into a more sophisticated high-end on-line pictorial magazine with Art, fashion, food, coffee, decor, etc. Scattered around is still porn!
Yes I still get out each day to photograph while walking the dogs, each moment a bit of letting go, allowing nature to sooth my wounded darkened soul. I still continue to seek forms of expression with the photography. Joining the Black and White Street Photography.com page has been an eye opening experience. One is which I am challenged each day to “see” differently.
it’s all ours, it’s the art of self-creation, it’s
adult responsibility. It’s such a private decision we
come back to time and again…
Is it? Is the art of self-creation over and over and over again an “adult responsibility”? Right now the art of self creation looks like chaos, feels like a big heaping mess, one that is being trudged through to get to the other side. I have never really been responsible for someone else life. Not for one who can’t make their own choices, for one who, remembers somethings and forgets most other daily activities. Nothing about feels “authentic” it feels forced.
Am I willing to do
the work to find and to live my path?
For some reason yes I am willing to do the work to live and keep on the path while in the process of caregiving. That is why blogging is so important. It is my voice being shared, it is an expression of who I am at the moment. Even though the path seems so dark and lonely at times, there are great moments of light, great moments of happiness, I was thinking joy but I believe joy is something else. The work I do to stay on the path is my creativity, making photographs, promoting those photographs, with whatever energy I have. Sometimes I feel like the drunk at the bar who is always talking big and grand about the places and things he is going to do, yet never gets off the bar stool. Talking dreams, clouds in the sky, imaging this or that, yet the end is the same, talking. Let me tell you that is not the case. The Exhibitions, the artist dates, the promotion may not be as steady as it once was. It still trickles, it still flows.
Each day of endless questions and repeated answers, it’s still filled with beauty all around.
Do I have the
faith, courage and persistence I need to keep getting
back up off the ground when things go awry?
It seems that I do have the faith, courage and persistence to get back off the ground. Or you wouldn’t being seeing this blog, I wouldn’t be part of a group exhibition that is now hanging at the Galleria in Deptford NJ. I have a photograph at Cafe 12 as part of that group show for the Photographic Society of Philadelphia. One of my photographs taken a few years ago was just featured in a group on Redbubble.com.
Caregiving, maintenance of finance and a house with yard didn’t seem to be part of my path yet they are that which informs me of who I am right now. Much of that I struggle with that struggle helps peel the layers of unknowing away.
“Adventures don’t begin until you get into the forest. That first step in an act of faith.” Mickey Hart
That first step was over a week ago now, when I discovered in passing that a friend, a blogger friend would be visiting from her home state to NYC. I could not pass up the chance of meeting with her when she would be 2 hours away, by car, train or bus. We made arrangements to meet once she got into the city and knew what her plans would be. I made my plans, the Chinatown bus was the lest expensive way of travel, even through I did not know my way from Chinatown once in the city, google direction were looked up, so I had a plan, my intentions were set, attention to the making this intention a reality was put into place.
Oy Vey! What was I thinking? I hardly slept the during the night, because I wanted to make sure I work up in time. 5:30 am rolled around, an early morning walk with the dogs, a cup of coffee and some breakfast, heck if I know what that was. Checking emails, Facebook for any changes in plans, made sure I had my list, phone #, etc. I had an 8 am bus to catch in Philly… I made it with ten minutes to spare, time to grab a cup of coffee at Wawa and a Tasty Cake. On to the bus, second seat for the back, most of all the other seats where full. Almost as soon as the bus began the young lady behind me got on her phone and began chatting with her girl friend about things I did not need to know at 8 am in the morning. It is amazing how people are so unconscious of what they are sharing in public. The conversation went on for some time, finally she said she was going to get some sleep… and that she did.
I tried too to get some sleep but sleep was not my friend, maybe a little Reiki and mediation but my mind was chattering away, so I wrote in my journal, yes people I still use a pen and paper sometimes. I had nothing really to share there just emptying my mind. The bus trip was uneventful, it began to rain, and misted the rest of the day. We entered NYC via the Holland Tunnel into an area of the city I do not recall seeing before, the west end of the city. Well the bus lets us off in the middle of Chinatown at 10 am, I have to find the F train, (subway) when I was really looking for the 6, when I got to the station, none of the ticket machines were taking cash, so up to the street to find the 6. The Chinese people where no help, I ask a young father, walking his baby, he got our his smart phone, which offered all the directions I needed. I would have to walk a while but not to far.. about 6 blocks. I realized it was getting to the time that we were to meet, so I made the call, informing Kathy that I was in the city and looking for my train, and should be there in the next half hour. If it had not been raining I would have been taking photographs and I would not have notice the walk so much but it seem to take forever.
Off to 27th street and 5th Avenue and the Gershwin Hotel , imagine meeting a person I never met at a hotel in the city of New York City! What kind of guy does she think I am? What kind of lady is she to meet a stranger in a hotel? Not to worry it was all very innocent people, Kiah, her daughter was working her last shift in the lobby coffee shop “Birch” so Kathy was hanging out there, with books and laptop and as much coffee as she could consume.
The Gershwin is this red building with strange art hanging from it exterior which look like sperm, and how fitting since it is right next to the Museum of Sex which on the corner. Into the lobby and looked into the coffee shop, I saw no Kathy. I called, she said she would be right there. In seconds she came through a doorway into the lobby and we laid eyes on each other for the first time in real life, of course we have been sharing photos or our blogs for some time, so there was not shock of difference. We where greeting each other with hugs, than to get coffee and to meet Kaih, who is a sweet young lady, who ask about my journey and created us our coffees.
Kathy and I adjourned upstairs of the coffee shop “library” which was a balcony over looking the lobby and shop filled with books, tables occupied with young people enjoying their beverages, while on laptops or with books, and friends, walls adorned with Photographs which I did not notice at first because Kathy and I were getting comfortable on a large sofa, asking each other questions, filling in the gaps of things we didn’t know or remember about each other. It seemed like we had been friends for years, getting renewing our friendship. It was warm, comfortable, welcoming, as I knew it would be. Kathy had ask me about meeting people who we know via computer, and my comment was, that I think because most of the people I have met are people from groups with a more spiritual or growth oriented purpose, the experience is real, if the people are being authentic, than they will be what I expect them to be. The meeting only to deepen the connection, raise the vibration, and I felt that the whole time we spent together.