Tag Archives: anger

Om Shanti

Om Shanti… I am the light, I am the peace of the world. I am the light, I am the peace of the world. I am the light, I am the peace of the world… Om Shanti. Bliss

Tangled
Tangled

I am the process of soothing the fire-breathing dragon! The fire burns of reaction, of unconscious loss, dragon has been wakened to protect its possessions, its family, it’s lair. A stranger has stepped in disturbing the peaceful slumber.

Dragon awakened last evening after coming back from my nieces Christmas gathering. I ignore as many family gatherings that I can. For I am the stranger among them. I don’t know how to be. There is no drama, just family members who spend time together or at least communicate on a regular basis. Of course I am always invited and now it is to bring mom even though I have asked them to pick her up several times during the past year. Christmas is the one occasion I felt that I would/should show up.

spiral
spiral

I suppose resentment is the response that reacted as anger once getting home. With a confused mother, wandering around the house looking for something she could not name.  I wanted to just set with the dogs, I just wanted to be. Riley’s inability to walk has become a sadness almost too unbearable to contemplate. My patience with both of Mom and Riley blooms into confused anger. Poor Muffin sits there looking at me or wants to go outside.

Sleep was interrupted several times with Riley crying which I think I was sensing in my sleep, the night was not restful. 5:30 am was wake up time. Still hearing cries from down stairs, I prepared to settle at the table with laptop, fresh coffee, dogs at my feet. Once I got everything situated, moved Riley in the room with me, coffee hot, computer warmed up, ready to engage. Mom arrives, wandering about, looking for the comb she using for the dogs. I already explained to her it was on 6 am. The dogs are still sleeping, I am feeling anxious, hyperventilating, trying to keep calm, almost in tears.  Trying to explain to mom the hour and my time, etc. She disappears, Muffin ask to go out, a walk will do us good. It is dark and raining, I am in near tears, walking being present, being the moment, trying to recognise and honor what I have been experiencing.  I say prayers as I walk, I have for years, 3rd and 7th step prayer, St Francis Prayer, another I took in from Joel S. Goldsmith readings.

every direction
every direction

Upon coming in the house and once again getting settle, Mom is dressed, getting her coffee. I can’t be in this energy now. I so wanted to sit with the dogs, to blog etc. Yet the TV comes on and mom wanders from room to room. I packed up and returned to my room, my over stuff sanctuary. Let candles,  downloaded photos I took two days ago, viewed them while listening to Bliss: Hundred Thousand Angels.

I love when I am moved by my own photographs, even stunned by them at times! Having a moment. Those moments seem rarer that once before, yet the magic still can happen.  I research Dragon myth and archetype for dragon was the creature that came to mind. The protector, the fire-breathing beast roaring.  Of course poor dragon should not have to be blamed, as well as anyone else. It is I feeling unsafe, unprotected, maybe even up loved, a stranger to myself and to others.

extended
extended

Om Shanti, the vibration of OM was and always is soothing, moving, comforting.  The affirmation: I am light, I am the Peace of the world repeated  for 5 minutes  gives me hope and a bit of peace. I don’t feel that I am either the Light or the Peace of the world but I can find serenity among those sounds.

Om Shanti Om Shanti Om Shanti : I am the Light, and the Peace of the World

Photos: 

unconscious truth!

The unconscious wants truth. It ceases to speak to those who want something more than truth. Adrienne Rich

Twisted strength

There seems to be such an anger within me these past 24 hours. It has been shadow dancing with me. Claiming my spirit, and my self-will. I stay away from people, places and things and the little monster still shows up, out of the blue, seeming to make the simple things difficult, difficult things a source of fire I don’t even desire to go near.

Yet according to the stars and planets it is my time to shine, as a Leo, it is anyway. But instead I am hiding out. What is it about all those everyday adventure that I wrote about yesterday has been gripped in fear of getting them done?

I need to find the light in all of this, I am going to cast my light on this shadow and find out what it wants, why it is still there. It seems like the joy and enchantment I was feeling and experience last week has caused an opposite to present itself. Ego screaming you are not allowed to be enchanted, you are not supposed to find joy in everyday experiences. I say Boo to you ego, Boo! You need to get in step here, I have love to share, joy to spread, art to create and your dancing on my toes! We need some new choreography. This does not have to be painful or difficult, it can be fun, creative, joyous… Trust me!

Beauty in the drought

In chapter 10 of The Artist’s Way Julia Cameron writes; “In a creative life droughts are a necessity. The time in the desert brings us clarity and charity. When you are in a drought know that it has a purpose. And keeping writing your morning pages. To write is to right things. Sooner or later – always later than we like – our pages will bring things right. A path will emerge. An insight will be a landmark that shows the way out of the wilderness”

The biggest thing on my mind this morning was to write, no matter the anger and or frustration I was feeling, the concern over the computer, once again I was and am having difficulties with my pass word working. I worked on it this morning a bit, I hope I have gotten things cleared up.

 

This has not necessarily been a creative drought or block it has been an emotional spiritual dry spot. I may not have photographed a much yet I have been inthralled with Bystander: A History of Street Photography,it has been a source of history, creative input, lessons about photographers, to cameras.

Viewing or pursuing

How the photographers where influenced by either their art training or the style of art of the day. It seems many early photographers took up the camera to make pictures of the area in which they wished to paint. Gave them a moment stopped in time, the light and shadows aren’t changing. Some photographers used different cameras to get a different feel for a shot. Other photographers where working for the city or state to capture moments in history of areas of city streets and buildings that were about to be demolished and rebuilt.

At the Fair

What I have learned through this process is how to look at a photograph, what am I seeing, am I seeing the whole picture? It has also caused me to think about why I am attracted to street/candid photography as a way of photographing as well as a form of art, how do I make this more conscious in my my creating?

I am sure I have cycled through these places before, and will again. The drought doesn’t last, and even while there there is beauty in it dust. For there is light in the darkness or darkness within the light!

A quote from Meister Eckhart, “Truly, it is in the darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us.”

Growth question: When in your darkness can you see the light? I the light can you dance with the shadows?

 

Synchronicity of Anger !

… “forget the past, put it all away;
Turn a brand new page, rescue your being from yesterday;
Become a child of the present age, of youth, of wisdom,
Never leave this bountiful moment, this eternal day.”
Rumi

feathers and eggs

I have had that thought for a couple of days now. I noticed myself picking things up around the wood, while walking and photography, observing, breathing in the fragrance and sent of the wood, that I pick up feathers, broken bird egg-shell, and yesterday I found a whole egg, white and smooth. I realized this is something I did was a kid, foraging around in ponds and streams, catching fogs, crawfish/crayfish, gathering rocks that interested me for some reason or another. Hey guess what I still do? Many are in photograph form but many gather around the house or in my room to infuse the space with its spirit energy. I have a collection of Owl feathers, and had a face to face with the young Owl yesterday. I stood not more than ten feet away, looking right at it, breathing into the moment to be in the moment, talking to the bird to gentle it, and then stood silent with it for a few moments it never left it perch, it watch for the dogs, in an interested way, yet still never move. When Muffin came up to me I move along because she would have bark at him/her and frightened the creator off. We just gently went on our way. ( No camera)

I found some messages that where from last week in my spam box, I should check in there more often. Had a message for a guy yesterday I did not know who left a comment, and followed him to his blog. And a couple of other comments, one who was texting my blog to her list. Wow! Who knew anyone wanted to read this?

Almost raspberry's !

I got a bit distracted by a chat with my friend Sylvia, it is a good distraction. I usually trying to check in with her when I see she is on yahoo, or  Facebook. So I have sort of lost my flow here.

We finally have broken down a had to turn the air conditioner on, the night was hot and humid, without much of a breeze, so the night of sleep was broken with sweaty dreams, shifting to get comfortable. Waking up at 5:30 am to get a few hours of cool morning air, to drink my tea and read while sitting in the yard, to rive up the mind into consciousness.

Moving on the chapter 3 in “the Artist’s Way” Recovering a Sense of Power, in which I will once again look at emotions such as anger, sense of shame, dealing with criticism, learning to use synchronicity and not just comment on its presence. I think anger has already shown it head with my reaction to the ordination of someone I know. Some one I feel strongly about in his gaining this role of power in a negative way. This chapter suggests that “anger is the firestorm that signals the death of our old life. Anger is the fuel that propels us into a new one. Anger is a tool, not a master. Anger is meant to be tapped into and drawn upon. Used properly, anger is use-full. ” I find this to be a great description of anger and I don’t think I have ever use the word anger so many time in one sitting or paragraph in my life.

Green shadows and Light

It is not an emotion that  I seem to tap into very often, maybe I call it something else, maybe it presents in resentment, or withdraw which are behaviors of mine that I have used in the past. Peter’s blog Living and dying with eyes wide open, as touched on these emotions a few times, yesterday and a week ago. When he reminded me of my behavior at Easton Mt when I could not understand why people were not responsible for the own things. And it seemed I was the one left to clean it up, pick it up, etc. In Peter’s blog he offers some wise choices and suggest one stay present, by bowing, and letting go.

Finding my way through the pit falls of what I would call negative behavior and Julie Cameron is calling tools, fuel, and even an invitation to action. I the language I am seeking the more positive, creative brush strokes that will paint different picture with different hues that will color my world in joy and fabulousness !

Thank you! I love you!

Growth Question: What are your tools to expand  your creativity, to add joy and fabulousness to your world?

I am Love, Jeff

Creative Drought?

“Always leave enough time in your life to do something that makes you happy, satisfied, even joyous. That has more of an effect on economic well being than any other single factor.” Paul Hawken

End of a cycle?

Not very inspired, have not real thoughts yet my fingers and mind are itching to write, to see what emerges this morning. So what are you going to write about, that the weather is way too hot and there has been no rain for weeks, not real moisture anyway and the wild plant life is getting very sad-looking, falling over, sagging, and even dried up.

Or are you going to write about your reaction to finding out someone was Ordained this past weekend that has caused you much distress? Discovering what lies beneath that reaction may be a freeing experience. Yet but I think I am still to close to the shock and dismay of this celebration of ordination to an obscure branch of the Catholic Church.

Even writing and thinking of this causes me great amount of distress, heaviness in the chest, sadness of heart, even anger is some way. I think I am still to close to this to deal with it now. I will have to find away to approach my reaction in the next few days.

What do you think?

I realized too that I had not been on www.redbubble.com much as of late either. That I have submitted photographs and have done my moderation on Candid Photography group in which I am a co-host, but other than that I have not ventured into others profiles in about a week. I really have not even viewed my own work via slide show or iPhoto other than to find work for here, and to post on Facebook of the March, etc. I wonder what’s up with that?

I need some new stimulation, some new inspiration, time to fill the well. So I open The Artist’s Way upon this quote from Plato; “The life which not examined is not worth living.” Seems appropriate for the moment, not unknown to me, this quote, and one I have use in many way to travel my path for years. Examining in the form of journaling, much like this, examining my actions and behavior, illuminating my path with works of literature of wisdom, from Scripture, course of miracles, self-help books, of many genre’s. Those words many times were greeted like long lost friends, which loved me as well as challenged me. Much like this darn blog/pages are doing today.

I look over at the Artist’s Way and what captures my attention a subtitle in week 10 recovering a sense of self-protection, the subtitle is DROUGHT  just like that in big bold letters, the paragraph begins “In any creative life there are dry seasons. These droughts appear from nowhere and stretch to the horizon like a Death Valley vista.” I don’t think my dryness is that dramatic at the moment. It could just be the drought outside, it could be a small social hangover, could be because I did not read anything very stimulating as of yet today.

Which way are you headed?

Julie Cameron suggest, “in a creative life, droughts are a necessity. The time in the desert brings us clarity and charity. When we are in drought, know that it is to a purpose. And keep writing morning pages. ” This is just part of the path, the sign post will show up if I keep at writing, continue to find inspiration in and around me.

Since I am not even close to chapter 10 yet this time around I will look to see what else is blocking me. Couldn’t be that people and situations from Easton Mountain keep presenting themselves to me. Someone seeking advise on going there for a few months, the founder being ordained, workshops that I would like to attend, another friend who as found inspiration and a second community there. All of these signs, responses and reactions to EMR seem to desire me attention, and it is my choice to give it may attention or not. Healing is going on so this must be part of that plan?

Growth Questions: Do you recall Droughts in  your life? What was your experience?

I am Love, Jeff

A Celebration of Gifts

Eclicpe

“Realize that  you are the child of God, and embody it. Live and act passionately from your divine center of Love.” Andrew Harvey

It is one of those days where crawling back in bed with a good book seems to be the order of the day, weather wise and emotionally. It is gray and chilly. I have been craving sugar for three days, ice cream mostly, which would include many of the items of are not part of a whole foods life plan. Sugar, milk, and ingredients that would not be good for what I am trying to accomplish. I just had to put this out there, it may have nothing to do with anything and then again maybe it does?

Yummy Breakfast

I did not write yesterday I got caught up in yard work, and the blanked out the rest of the day it seems. Was I creative, was I present? I know I over reacted to with the dogs, not listening, Riley especially I think he is have difficulty hearing, or has a mind of his own. Muffin cowards when I yell… The spring like coolness seems to make them more energetic and they have been running off changing everything, groundhogs in general, so many times I don’t know in which direction that they have gone. I have found myself yelling for them and at them when they don’t respond to my call. Ok, I am being an overprotective father/mother!  And again telling on myself because I do not like that reaction of anger and loss of control.

Unconditional Love, (Riley)

Today is my 21 year of sobriety !! Imagine that? I remember I could hardly wait for one year, and then when I reached five years what a big mile stone that was. Not for the past fifteen it seem life is not as dramatic, or full of stress, that I learned and incorporated the tools of recovery and use them as often as I remember too. The third and seventh step prayer are never far from my mind or lips in silent affirmation of turning my will and life over to a Higher Power. That I alone have not done this, yes I made self attend meetings, to help others find their path, studied and worked/practice the program with my whole being, it is was and the witnessing of miracles of people so broken, angry, hurt, confused rise above their ego, their self-centeredness to create a whole life. One of action, one of faith in something more powerful than their addiction, more powerful than a our own mind, the mind and power of surrender to the Divine source within. To create self-love, self-worth, self-caring, to be Whole Beings present for life, present for God/Goddess to live the miracle of a sober/clean life.

Heavens above

Oh this did not end with just putting down the drink and walking away for a life of drunkenness. This blossomed into a journey beyond imagination, the search for self-worth, self-love, self-caring did not just happen over night, and is an ongoing journey, a journey to face the fears, the shame, the shadows and even more the real dark of depression, loneliness, to only come out with the strength to walk in the light head held high, with a bright smile on your face. To embrace life from a perspective that is a full view, whole world view.

This blog, these morning pages are a recent occurrence within this journey of awakening, to bare my soul, shine light on the shadows, for I think and I hope I am done walking through the darkness of depression, self doubt, of fear… God’s grace will inform of such silly notions of visiting there again.

Blooms and buds

I ask earlier here is this creative, have I been creative? The answers is yes, each day I am creative, I create my world, I create my happiness, or my sadness due to the reaction or response to a situation or moment. I create with my art, beauty, I create with the meals I make healthier ways to live, I create Love by being loving to myself and those around me even when angry at the dogs, or confused by my own lack of attention to my self care.

Andrew Harvey in the quote above suggest to “Live and act passionately  from the Divine center of Love” if I had not lived that way this whole time I would not be here to write this now, I would not be here to celebrate 21 years of sobriety, I would be here to live one moment at a time fully present, fully breathing in the joy as well as the sadness of life. Full breaths are healing and a continuation of Divine Love in this realm.

I am Love, Jeff

Growth Question: When did you realize you where a child of God?

Photographs