Om Shanti

Om Shanti… I am the light, I am the peace of the world. I am the light, I am the peace of the world. I am the light, I am the peace of the world… Om Shanti. Bliss

Tangled

I am the process of soothing the fire-breathing dragon! The fire burns of reaction, of unconscious loss, dragon has been wakened to protect its possessions, its family, it’s lair. A stranger has stepped in disturbing the peaceful slumber.

Dragon awakened last evening after coming back from my nieces Christmas gathering. I ignore as many family gatherings that I can. For I am the stranger among them. I don’t know how to be. There is no drama, just family members who spend time together or at least communicate on a regular basis. Of course I am always invited and now it is to bring mom even though I have asked them to pick her up several times during the past year. Christmas is the one occasion I felt that I would/should show up.

spiral

I suppose resentment is the response that reacted as anger once getting home. With a confused mother, wandering around the house looking for something she could not name.  I wanted to just set with the dogs, I just wanted to be. Riley’s inability to walk has become a sadness almost too unbearable to contemplate. My patience with both of Mom and Riley blooms into confused anger. Poor Muffin sits there looking at me or wants to go outside.

Sleep was interrupted several times with Riley crying which I think I was sensing in my sleep, the night was not restful. 5:30 am was wake up time. Still hearing cries from down stairs, I prepared to settle at the table with laptop, fresh coffee, dogs at my feet. Once I got everything situated, moved Riley in the room with me, coffee hot, computer warmed up, ready to engage. Mom arrives, wandering about, looking for the comb she using for the dogs. I already explained to her it was on 6 am. The dogs are still sleeping, I am feeling anxious, hyperventilating, trying to keep calm, almost in tears.  Trying to explain to mom the hour and my time, etc. She disappears, Muffin ask to go out, a walk will do us good. It is dark and raining, I am in near tears, walking being present, being the moment, trying to recognise and honor what I have been experiencing.  I say prayers as I walk, I have for years, 3rd and 7th step prayer, St Francis Prayer, another I took in from Joel S. Goldsmith readings.

every direction

Upon coming in the house and once again getting settle, Mom is dressed, getting her coffee. I can’t be in this energy now. I so wanted to sit with the dogs, to blog etc. Yet the TV comes on and mom wanders from room to room. I packed up and returned to my room, my over stuff sanctuary. Let candles,  downloaded photos I took two days ago, viewed them while listening to Bliss: Hundred Thousand Angels.

I love when I am moved by my own photographs, even stunned by them at times! Having a moment. Those moments seem rarer that once before, yet the magic still can happen.  I research Dragon myth and archetype for dragon was the creature that came to mind. The protector, the fire-breathing beast roaring.  Of course poor dragon should not have to be blamed, as well as anyone else. It is I feeling unsafe, unprotected, maybe even up loved, a stranger to myself and to others.

extended

Om Shanti, the vibration of OM was and always is soothing, moving, comforting.  The affirmation: I am light, I am the Peace of the world repeated  for 5 minutes  gives me hope and a bit of peace. I don’t feel that I am either the Light or the Peace of the world but I can find serenity among those sounds.

Om Shanti Om Shanti Om Shanti : I am the Light, and the Peace of the World

Photos: 

The progress of mistakes

“If we are to make progress, if we are to grow, if we are to live our dreams, then we must begin to expect that mistakes and problems will arise – and not meet them with the arrogant belief that they shouldn’t be there, but instead bring awareness and patience to the situation and know that problems are there to teach us and they are an inevitable step towards mastery.”  Mastin Kipp: Daily Love Blog:http://thedailylove.com/

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Each morning for weeks, no months, I have desired to write, to blog, always getting distracted by one thing or another. Which is always just me getting in my own way. There is always something to distract us from our journey, always another shinning object, another mistake, another detour, yet all paths on the same journey to our destination. The road less traveled is not as easy to walk, ride, but I believe a much more rewarding one. A journey made from our own choices, our own visions of who we are, where we wish to go.

Since last fall I have become my mother’s caregiver, finding out her dementa/Alzheimer’s is worst than we thought but not as bad as it may become. Yet a new chapter in both our lives, lives interrupted by illness, aging, unclear paths untraveled by either of us.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Yes depression became my companion, I felt betrayed in some ways by my sister and brother in law who bought a house and moved out of the family home after 55 years! It was just Mom, the dogs and I! I knew some of the steps to take to get the help, Doctor appointments, contacting the county/senior service, I knew but I didn’t do much about it. I stood stunned in my path, going numbly from day to day. Was there, is there an arrogant belief I should not be there? Not arrogant, just a shocked misunderstanding of where I was in my life. Did I ask myself is this what I called forth? If I called being a caregiver to my Mother it was not a conscious calling. Is this part of growing up, being responsible?  If it is part of growing up and being responsible is sucks!

An older male friend commented this way about my being in this state of presence about my Mom just yesterday: “Please know that in the process of your frenzy and fury over dealing with your mother that you are doing the work that honors both of you. (This is a better way to think about it then prompting her to talk about fourteen hours of labor!!!”  Yes, I am trying to move into the higher vibration of all of this.  and slowing this is coming to be, yet part of me is just numb or angry, feeling love in this process is a difficult to reach. As the quote says above; “but instead bring awareness and patience to the situation and know that problems are there to teach us and they are an inevitable step towards mastery.” I am far from mastery in this matter, I seek advise and guidance, sanity through photography… 

Yes, depression will still continue to shadow me, yes mistakes will jump up in my path, yet the journey continues, everyday the challenge to create, every moment that challenge to Be Present, to who I am and who I saw up as is unfolding.

Question of the day: Are Mistakes markers for your awareness?

Synchronicity of Anger !

… “forget the past, put it all away;
Turn a brand new page, rescue your being from yesterday;
Become a child of the present age, of youth, of wisdom,
Never leave this bountiful moment, this eternal day.”
Rumi

feathers and eggs

I have had that thought for a couple of days now. I noticed myself picking things up around the wood, while walking and photography, observing, breathing in the fragrance and sent of the wood, that I pick up feathers, broken bird egg-shell, and yesterday I found a whole egg, white and smooth. I realized this is something I did was a kid, foraging around in ponds and streams, catching fogs, crawfish/crayfish, gathering rocks that interested me for some reason or another. Hey guess what I still do? Many are in photograph form but many gather around the house or in my room to infuse the space with its spirit energy. I have a collection of Owl feathers, and had a face to face with the young Owl yesterday. I stood not more than ten feet away, looking right at it, breathing into the moment to be in the moment, talking to the bird to gentle it, and then stood silent with it for a few moments it never left it perch, it watch for the dogs, in an interested way, yet still never move. When Muffin came up to me I move along because she would have bark at him/her and frightened the creator off. We just gently went on our way. ( No camera)

I found some messages that where from last week in my spam box, I should check in there more often. Had a message for a guy yesterday I did not know who left a comment, and followed him to his blog. And a couple of other comments, one who was texting my blog to her list. Wow! Who knew anyone wanted to read this?

Almost raspberry's !

I got a bit distracted by a chat with my friend Sylvia, it is a good distraction. I usually trying to check in with her when I see she is on yahoo, or  Facebook. So I have sort of lost my flow here.

We finally have broken down a had to turn the air conditioner on, the night was hot and humid, without much of a breeze, so the night of sleep was broken with sweaty dreams, shifting to get comfortable. Waking up at 5:30 am to get a few hours of cool morning air, to drink my tea and read while sitting in the yard, to rive up the mind into consciousness.

Moving on the chapter 3 in “the Artist’s Way” Recovering a Sense of Power, in which I will once again look at emotions such as anger, sense of shame, dealing with criticism, learning to use synchronicity and not just comment on its presence. I think anger has already shown it head with my reaction to the ordination of someone I know. Some one I feel strongly about in his gaining this role of power in a negative way. This chapter suggests that “anger is the firestorm that signals the death of our old life. Anger is the fuel that propels us into a new one. Anger is a tool, not a master. Anger is meant to be tapped into and drawn upon. Used properly, anger is use-full. ” I find this to be a great description of anger and I don’t think I have ever use the word anger so many time in one sitting or paragraph in my life.

Green shadows and Light

It is not an emotion that  I seem to tap into very often, maybe I call it something else, maybe it presents in resentment, or withdraw which are behaviors of mine that I have used in the past. Peter’s blog Living and dying with eyes wide open, as touched on these emotions a few times, yesterday and a week ago. When he reminded me of my behavior at Easton Mt when I could not understand why people were not responsible for the own things. And it seemed I was the one left to clean it up, pick it up, etc. In Peter’s blog he offers some wise choices and suggest one stay present, by bowing, and letting go.

Finding my way through the pit falls of what I would call negative behavior and Julie Cameron is calling tools, fuel, and even an invitation to action. I the language I am seeking the more positive, creative brush strokes that will paint different picture with different hues that will color my world in joy and fabulousness !

Thank you! I love you!

Growth Question: What are your tools to expand  your creativity, to add joy and fabulousness to your world?

I am Love, Jeff