“Don’t be perfect. Be you.
Don’t be what you think they want you to be.
Be what you know you are.
Don’t look outside yourself for anything. It’s all within!”
My friend shared this quote this morning on his FB status. My response was saying yeah but my insides feel like a mess. His response to me was that spirit was perfection, our inner state is Perfect. But what happens when the inner state doesn’t feel perfect, that truly the shadows have come to rest upon my days and play havoc with my mind.
And than I went to see what the daily reading was from Pocketful of Miracle, in which Joan Borysenko share this prayer:
“Great Spirit, help me awaken to the peace of mind that is my own true nature, my birthright in You!”
It seems sometimes it is only the words I have to comfort me, the awareness comes from the words, they are the light on the darkened path, as well as the bright light on the path that leads me forward. At sometime in the past few weeks it seems I have taken a step back or a road less traveled, or one that I have been on before and have not completely searched and cleared out the demons or made peace with them.
This whole blog maybe about telling on myself. It may be about that fact that on Saturday June 9, with the grace of God, I will be sober 23 years. I haven’t had a drink or a drug in all that time one day at time. Yet my emotional soberity has not followed such a rigorous path, or has it?
As I stepped back into the practice of my program, the program of recovery on a regular basis a little less that a year ago, even though the language and principles (spiritual principles of AA) have always been a guiding source of light during my search for my relationship with a Higher Power. It was the humans, the daily living among people in and out of the program that throws me into darkness.
Knowing I am not perfect, the ego always wants to lead the dance instead of being a partner and sharing the harmony we can make together I become confronted by who I think I am, maybe even who people think I am, most telling who I think people are suppose to be.
Even after all this time, I don’t have it right, I don’t want to have it right, I just desire to not expect, I desire to allow life to be, even when I don’t know what that Being is. Going within feels frightening right now. Going within feels dark, it tells “you are not perfect, you lead with your ego, you have too much expectations of those around, and even yourself.” Or maybe it is not that maybe it is the fear that Marianne Williamson shares about…
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
As I began to step up my practice, use the tools of recovery, to empower myself to listen to the voice from within, to open up once again to let people in, to make friends, to take on new projects. Fear stepped in too, the feeling of abandonment and risk came calling. It all began to seem like work. Of course there was joy there, there was inspiration. So what shows self sabotage, reluctance, the monster “not good enough”, people began leaving… or did they?
So who is this guy 23 years later? with all the flaws and character defects still intact… was i this person drunk? have I learned anything in the past 23 years? sometimes it feels like I have not. Yeah the old timers say, “well you didn’t drink today.” and that is a blessing in itself.