Don’t be perfect. Be you.

“Don’t be perfect. Be you.
Don’t be what you think they want you to be.
Be what you know you are.
Don’t look outside yourself for anything. It’s all within!”

~Jackson Kiddard

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My friend shared this quote this morning on his FB status. My response was saying yeah but my insides feel like a mess. His response to me was that spirit was perfection, our inner state is Perfect. But what happens when the inner state doesn’t feel perfect, that truly the shadows have come to rest upon my days and play havoc with my mind.

And than I went to see what the daily reading was from Pocketful of Miracle, in which Joan Borysenko share this prayer:

“Great Spirit, help me awaken to the peace of mind that is my own true nature, my birthright in You!”

It seems sometimes it is only the words I have to comfort me, the awareness comes from the words, they are the light on the darkened path, as well as the bright light on the path that leads me forward. At sometime in the past few weeks it seems I have taken a step back or a road less traveled, or one that I have been on before and have not completely searched and cleared out the demons or made peace with them. Image

This whole blog maybe about telling on myself. It may be about that fact that on Saturday June 9, with the grace of God, I will be sober 23 years. I haven’t had a drink or a drug in all that time one day at time. Yet my emotional soberity has not followed such a rigorous path, or has it?

As I stepped back into the practice of my program, the program of recovery on a regular basis a little less that a year ago, even though the language and principles (spiritual principles of AA) have always been a guiding source of light during my search for my relationship with a Higher Power. It was the humans, the daily living among people in and out of the program that throws me into darkness.

Knowing I am not perfect, the ego always wants to lead the dance instead of being a partner and sharing the harmony we can make together I become confronted by who I think I am, maybe even who people think I am, most telling who I think people are suppose to be.

Even after all this time, I don’t have it right, I don’t want to have it right, I just desire to not expect, I desire to allow life to be, even when I don’t know what that Being is. Going within feels frightening right now. Going within feels dark, it tells “you are not perfect, you lead with your ego, you have too much expectations of those around, and even yourself.” Or maybe it is not that maybe it is the fear that Marianne Williamson shares about…

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”

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As I began to step up my practice, use the tools of recovery, to empower myself to listen to the voice from within, to open up once again to let people in, to make friends, to take on new projects. Fear stepped in too, the feeling of abandonment and risk came calling. It all began to seem like work. Of course there was joy there, there was inspiration. So what shows self sabotage, reluctance, the monster “not good enough”, people began leaving… or did they?

So who is this guy 23 years later? with all the flaws and character defects still intact… was i this person drunk? have I learned anything in the past 23 years? sometimes it feels like I have not. Yeah the old timers say, “well you didn’t drink today.” and that is a blessing in itself.

As A human I am beyond perfect, as spirit I was born perfect. Just being me in the imperfect perfection of living life on daily basis. Image

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20 thoughts on “Don’t be perfect. Be you.”

  1. Wow, Jeff, congrats on the 23 years of sobriety. That has to have been a challenge. I know how hard it is to keep my bipolar symptoms at bay–if there is any comparison between the two. By the way, I LOVE the photo of the leaf and drop of water!
    Hugs,
    Kathy

    1. Kathy,

      Thank you. Later in the day I wanted to delete this whole blog. In some ways bipolar maybe compared, I suppose. It is all about today, what can I do today, how do I get out of self and into space of helping with out being co-dependant?

      Yeah that photos is one my faves too! The system did something different to the photos this time, squared them off, so parts are missing. (unless you click on them)

  2. “Going within feels dark, it tells ‘you are not perfect, you lead with your ego, you have too much expectations of those around, and even yourself’.” Welcome to the club, Jeff. Everytime I have good idea or see that I have done something nice for someone that makes me feel good, I discount it by telling myself that it is my ego who enjoys it (not the “real” me). Similarly, when other people irritate and anger me, it is because I expected those people to behave differently, and my ego gets all huffy and righteous. Lately, I’ve been reading “The Jesuit Guide to (Almost) Everything” and the first words talk about finding God in everything. So, I’ve been finding God all over the place and it didn’t dawn on me until yesterday that I was neglecting to find God in myself. You are, too.

    1. It seems like when I do something nice for myself, take care of myself, that ego wants grab and throw me in the dark again.
      As I wrote above to Kathy, I almost deleted this whole blog. I felt like I was whining.

      Yes, most spiritual practices suggest that we find the Divine is all things, for it is truly there. when we get out of our own way.

  3. Hi, Jeff – re-reading my post above, I realized in my half-asleep state that by saying “You are, too” I sound like you are neglecting to find God in yourself. What I MEANT to say was that I find God in you, too. Oy.

  4. Jeff, honoring you, honoring your journey. Congratulating you for what you’ve accomplished…and praying that we all find the God within and without. Love, Kathy

  5. Jeff, is the first picture a reflection in a puddle? I love it!

    Some anniversaries are tough to muddle through every year, especially when pausing to reflect on how difficult the journey has been. I hope things are looking brighter now, shining one!

    1. Thank you Barbara! for the comment on the puddle shot, if you click on there is more too it.
      I am not sure that the journey has been all that difficult, it has been more my lack of response to do the right things… or something like that.

  6. I’m glad that I found this, this morning. The statement, I’m just not that well, yet, comes to mind. I can find it ‘difficult’ to ferret out the defects of my character. I learned to be relentless about it. Ripping me to shreds to locate them. To somehow attempt to meet or to find the hoops of others, or to adopt the highest ones for me. Some would say that is a GOOD thing. And, when it saves my life it is. But, when I make me worthless and always screwing up, I do not know when to give myself a break would be overlooking and being in denial and when it would be best because I have some rather ideal or overblown idea of perfection. I think that is where Progress not Perfection comes in. (Though, I must admit, I can mutter in my head, ranting at this ‘excuse’ used by ‘horrible, worthless’ beings, as a way not to be accountable, while I think that I am every day, all day. It’s a shock to see how honest that last part was, and I meant it, and it’s glaring. And I dislike it, and I dislike the odd shame at having to fix a thing, that I believe, so that it can be better.) Thanks for sharing all of this!

    1. Elisa,

      Sorry it took be so long to respond you comment! I glanced at it before and so forgot to get back to you.
      This is all the process, somedays I don’t care, other days I do. If I am center, know and feel I am taken care of I don’t need others, I may choose others to be in my life, because it is nice to be… There is more I want to say here, and I will get back to you!

  7. Hi, Jeff, just wondering if you were planning on posting another blog soon? Do you hang out in other on-line places besides Facebook? Sometimes I miss the camaraderie of our old Gaia crew. At other times am just appreciative of whoever is here, now, in this Precious Moment. Hugs, friend!

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