Learn to get in touch with the silence within yourself and know that everything in this life has a purpose. Elisabeth Kulber-Ross
I have to break my silence here just because I have to begin to understand why I have been so silent. Maybe through words the silence will reveal its lessons yet again maybe the lessons or re-membering will present it self at other times, in other places?
I started a blog a few days ago, and was interrupted by my friend Linda to go to Reading Terminal Market within the hour, I took her invitation to get me out of the house, to spend time with my friend, an opportunity to shoot some photographs (which I have not downloaded yet). Since that time I have not had the full attention to finish that blog, yes it was saved in draft form. I started a blog on 1/12/11 and there it sit on my computer waiting to be thrown away or finished or incorporated into another, I hear it calling now. Yet I don’t know if it has a place here now or not?
I need to push through the fear, the emotionalist experience of the past few weeks, months. This is where the other blog fits in. I used a quote from Jeff Brown’s SoulShaping book, he shares a quote or two each day on Facebook.
“Although the journey home is often difficult, its also wondrous. On the materialistic treasure hunt, satisfactions are fleeting. On the inner treasure hunt, your satisfaction builds. It’s so beautiful to touch a new plateau of awareness, to view your self with a broadened lens, to shape your self with your own two hands. Every time I unravel a piece of my karmic thread, I feel the God-self come a little bit closer.. ” Jeff Brown
Yet I didn’t feel the God-self come a little closer or if I did, I ran and hid from that self.
Here are the words I wrote a month ago:
For days now I have been getting the message that I am waiting, waiting for what? I don’t know. When the moment arrives I will know that the waiting is over. I shared with Jeff Brown this morning and my friend linda yesterday that I have been on the bottom of the spiral for awhile, I took up a campsite somewhere on the base of this Mt that I can see, a path that has not completely cleared yet. While being here I have searched, I have done what looks like nothing at times. I stopped doing what I was doing, yet looking for light within the shadows of mist and trees to guide me out. The light comes in forms of little messages like the above quote. I a voice in my sleep saying Hafis, I looked for some of his poetry, while in the library I was drawn to a book Western Approach to Zen, I began reading it and stopped. A couple of blogs shown light on my camp, one from Barbara K. “Thinking” another from someone who wrote about H. D. Therou . On simplicity.
So here I am a month later reading to pack up camp, to shine my own light once again, to not only speak but to Be. That is the situation right there, the one I don’t want to admit. I desire to Be, I desire to have the experience not just talk about it. I am a great sharer of information, and guidance but much of it feels and seems unreal to me. In AA or Recovery rooms that have a saying about walking the walk not just talking the talk. It seems I had gotten to a place that I was just talking the talk, yet I hiding the light from my own path afraid to walk on it, fearful I had to admit this to myself and to others. So there I have, I am lair and a cheat, I have no idea if anything of this stuff works, for to look at my Life/living one would say it does not. Did I call all of this emptiness to me, is this the life I want to live, is my expansion so awesome that it has sent me back into the darkness? Or has the waiting, the isolation, the uninvolvement of social events giving me a new insight on how to Be in the world? When I finally break camp, wander deeper into the wonder of life will I experience on a new level?
Seems to be more questions that answers. Did I figure out what I was waiting for, did the invitation arrive to move on? Must have to a degree or I would not be here doing this now, I would not be opening myself up this way again, if the shadows are not behind me in some way, have I slay the Monster, no I think it only wounded, but enough to chase it back, enough allow my self to feel safe.
Growth Questions: Do we really slay those monsters that lurk in our darkness or do we learn from them?
I am Love, Jeff