Not Knowing

Make your own recovery the first priority in your life. Robin Norwood

simple beauty!

My first thoughts was that I could and would write this morning, that the block had opened, the I felt different for the first time in weeks. Had I prayed for this you bet, had I reflected on why I was in the state I was in sure, had I any idea not it real tangible way. I consciously asked before sleep that this darkness pass, the block be undone. The message I received this morning was that the moment was right. To begin walking again. Walking in the light of spirit, with the winds of creativity lifting heart and hands to move beyond where I was. I realized I do not generally get colds or illness, yet I am overcome for weeks at a time with melancholy, depression, lack of interest, lack of trust and fear are my constant companions, and I have to welcome them for what ever reason. Had I made the wrong choices, went down the incorrect path, because all of a sudden the world became dark, and frightening to some degree.

A month or so ago, I was told by a healer, that I had spirits that lingered and that they caused much of the heaviness that I experience at times. That I needed to do ritual every so often to ask them to leave, which of course I had not done. Even writing this I feel some presence pushing, pulling at me, could be just ego rearing its impatience with me.

Ever Green


So when I sat at the computer this morning and it would connect to the internet I was like, Oh sure here we go, I have been lead to write and the path is block, yet it is only blocked by my own ability to see my options. Yes I like the’s ablitiy to word process, for I don’t have word on my computer, I have to use TextEdit whatever the heck that is? But it is a writing tool and usable to create a document in some fashion.  At once I open ITunes to listen to music to set the correct tone, and that format had changed as well, yikes!

Yet what had not changed was my ability to write, to read the suggested principles in the Artist’s Way and the Rule of the Road, to set me on the path, along that path, flipping through the book, words and sentance caught me attention, shown light on places in my mind giving it much needed energy to once again breathe, to experience, to be awed by life itself. Not to dwell in the dark, empty world of facebook, and games, TV even though we now get Turner Movie Classic station, they are no subsitutes for “real” life, the roads into it, because I sat there yesterday afternoon watching a film about Our Lady of Fatima experiencing tears of joy and saddness all at the same time. The innocents of these children, their belief and faith inspite of the family and world thinking that had made it all up, the church and government fully against them, yet determined to see the Lady every month, and each month more and more people traveled miles to be in the presence of these childern and the “Lady”.  I sat there as well wondering have we really listened to the “Lady’s” advice, do we still need to honor the “mother” for peace to have its way with us? Yes we do need to continue to honor the Mother, Gaia, the Mother of all Life, the giver of all life, it is in our child like belief to see Mother, in the frost on the ground, hear her voice in the bird that sings from the branch above, feel her caress in as the winds blow across your face, feel her life force in the breath we take each moment, along with the rest of the earth and universe.


A few weeks ago I recieved the next sections of the Life Harmony program “Self-Reflection” I read it, with the consciousness that I had read all of this before, had I? Yes. Yet it did nothing to help my state of mind or spirt only made me more discontent, saying to myself I am no more closers to the practice than I was months ago when I started, that I stopped doing all the suggested practices weeks before.  Yet knowing during the summer I began to get more invovled in my life again, that I felt more energy, that I was eating healthier, I was getting more social, and in some ways more creative. The pages/blog where welcomed practices that informed, enlightented, energized, guided, and shared with my own ego and the world around me what the heck I was doing. It was a record of the path I had taken, the thoughts that I thought, the actions I had taken or the intentions I had to accomplished contiue on my journey to harmony. The path of “self-reflection” is lead by finding the balance in that balance “we enjoy qualities from the constructive side of self. These include feeling connected to our senses of insight, clarity, discernment and fulllillment of personal duty. We are open to unleased, unlimited, potential and possibility.” ( Life Harmony, Laurie Buchanan). Yet at the time I was not feeling these at all, I was completely off balance, I was experiencing negative effects which include, “self-absorption, feeling frustrated, nervous, energtically drained, fear, intolerence, impracticality, and melancholy.” (Life Harmony, L, Buchanan).


I have had to stop to breathe in the music of Joshua Bell, and Puccini: O Mio Babbino Caro from his Romance of the Violin! It has to be one of the most beautifull pieces of music I have heard in my life, as the tears stream down my face, and the emotion just wells with its beauty.


So I leave with the statement of what “Self-Relection” is:

I cultivate clarity

I am discerning; I exercise sound judgement

I trust my intuition and insights

I am more aware today thank I was yesterday

I am conscious and mindful

I approach life in a purposeful manner

I inspire others

I utilize positive thinking

I embrace the myseries that I encounter

I am courageous and ask “Why” and “Why Not”?

I am open to new ideas

I am secure with not-knowing

I function from a place of endless possibilities



16 thoughts on “Not Knowing”

  1. I read your post this morning, Jeff, accompanied by some of my favorite music Ke’ena Maiu (meaning “quiet place”) by Keola Beamer.

    There’s much reflection (self, and otherwise) this morning across the Buchanan Clan as Len’s father passed away last evening (Len’s in Tulsa as we speak).

    I very much appreciate your photographs and words this morning as part of my reflection process. Thank you.

    1. Laurie,

      there is a time for reflection and a time for Being…

      I don’t know Ke’ena Maiu I will look for it!

      Sending Love and Healing to Len and family (((Hugs)))!

      I am Love, Jeff

  2. Jeff, I love all four of your photos, they seem to capture warmth with the browns, and refreshing coolness with the frost. Jack Frost was here this morning, too, and I enjoyed the simple pleasure of scraping the ice crystals off the car before Tim took it to work.

    Two of the self-reflections you listed resonated with me: “I embrace the mysteries that I encounter” and “I am secure with not-knowing.” It took me so many years to learn how to do them, sometimes I forget what a struggle it was to find a way to let go and embrace mystery and unanswered questions.

    Thank you for sharing your thoughts. I’m going to reflect on the last one today: “I function from a place of endless possibilities.”

    1. Barbara,

      Thank you so much for stopping by the reluctant bloger today! I am grateful you have enjoyed the photographs, taken just after I finished writing this blog!

      The affirmations are part of the Life Harmony Program Laurie offers. There is juice in them if our minds and hearts are open.
      I think they are all very Zen…
      The world is full of endless possibilities!

      Sending you healing, I read your response to your blog and your latest !

      I am Love, Jeff

      PS: Redbubble is having a sale if you are looking for gifts or card…

  3. for weeks at a time with melancholy, depression, lack of interest, lack of trust and fear are my constant companions, and I have to welcome them for what ever reason……

    I resonate and fight this one pretty often…..

    Thanks for your insights…

    You are Love…


  4. Thank you for sharing from your heart. I found it touching and inspiring! Continue letting go and embracing mysteries and finding ‘home’! Hugs and blessings, Jeff!

  5. Hi, Jeff — I tried to read this last night but was too tired to give you my full attention so I am reading it with my morning coffee :-). Because you are shamanically inclined, I am not surprised that there are spirits looking to you for something. I seem to attract the “rescue me” spirits and my only way of sending them away is to pull my resources closer to myself and say “no” (which is not easy). You know what to do about them (if the ritual doesn’t work, take a journey with your power animals to find out what they need to move on or have someone skilled in psychocomp assist you). I’ve not taken the Life Harmony program, but I’ve heard you mention it before. I don’t believe for a second that you have not changed or gotten closer to the practice since you started it. How could you NOT change? You are a creative, growing person and much more “you” now than you have ever been before.

    1. Barbara,

      I am most grateful for your intended attention. My friend who mentioned my sticky spirits offered a ritual, that I have yet to place into practice. I like your suggestions as well, taking a journey may be a good idea and one that never hurts.
      I am sure I have changed in small ways, I think the biggest change is being more aware, more attune to what it is I am presenting, and what I think I am or even know what I am.

      I am Love, Jeff

  6. I read this soon after you published but did not reply. Thought about how we can have constant companions of fear, depression, not-knowing. How sometimes we can wake up so unsure of life. I keep thinking that your rhythms of sharing here are not blocked, but are perfect reflections of Spirit. I don’t know if that’s true or not. But I keep wondering: what if it’s perfect that Spirit chooses to write through some of us every day, and some of us every other day, and some of us twice a month? And maybe it’s just our desires to write more or less or differently which cause the suffering? I don’t know…but I do love the honest vulnerability of your writing, dear Jeff.

    1. Kathy,

      Yes in someway I suppose you are correct, correct about the rhythms of my sharing here. Thing is I made a commitment to the bloggers and to myself that I would write everyday, and I did for sometime and it was good. So maybe now it is time to move beyond that space, recommit to something else.
      I think there is a sense of what you call my “honest vulnerability” that it is difficult at times to stand that “naked” in front of the world all the time. But I sure the heck try.

      I will accept the moments that I can write and just do it and not whine about it. I promise!

      I am Love, Jeff

      1. Or whine about it, Jeff! 🙂 I am glad you answered…I was thinking about you when I woke up this morning. It’s such an interesting question about rhythms versus responsibility. About challenges with vulnerability. No answers…only more questions.

      2. Kathy,

        Sweet of you to re post here! Thank you. If we are not questioning we are not growing!
        Rhythms and responsibilities, challenges with vulnerability all great verses to blog about in the future!

  7. Jeff, as Laurie wrote in her blog today, there is Oneness, and what one feels, may be what one is giving expression to…You have expressed layers of awareness. I love your photography and always the love with which you share.
    Luckily, having hurt my back, I’m taking time to rest and read and visit my friend’s blogs.

    1. Meenakshi,

      I am always thrilled when you come to my blog for a visit! I am sorry to see that your back is stressed, will send healing ((( ))) !
      One of the reason for this blog/writing is just what you write to “express layers of awareness” because without the blog/writing they are just thoughts in my head.
      I am grateful that you have enjoyed the photography as well, I share it because the purpose of the photography is to be shared!

      I am Love, Jeff

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s