Look and you will find it – what is unsought will go undetected. Sophocles
This morning has been an unusual one. It seems that I have been out of my consciousness, as I walked in the woods this morning I had to stop and be in the woods, for I was there physically but I was not present in my mind and I was not aware that I was anywhere, I was not thinking anything, I was just drawn into the wood. I had brought the camera, yet nothing else had change much, yet I was drawn back to the stream and small puddle where the Turtle I had come across because of Muffin’s reaction while she was seeking to find a some water. The first time I did not have the camera yesterday, and the second time because I figure the turtle had moved on, yet there it was, so later in the day I did take the camera and turtle was still hanging out in its little pool of muddy water… yet this morning I was drawn back to that spot once again, it is the same spot where I have encountered the Great Horned Owls! According to Turtle Medicine “Turtle can help lead us to that space where we can finally move on, to let go of what has been, celebrate it for the gifts it gave us and finally to turn and head for a new shore. Turtle people themselves often feel that their life is an endless series of endings and new beginnings, that like the tides, their lives are constantly in flux and they must learn to shift and tack as the current carries them along.”
I don’t find this so in my life but the Turtle showing up may be just that, informing me to create the new space to move on, to but in to practice my healing and shamanic teachings. For my sister had come home yesterday and informed me that the little restaurant up the road was hiring experienced servers. Sis could be informing me because she wants me out of her way, or time to begin to pull more of my own weight in adding to the financial flow of the house. That house keeping is just not enough. Or because she cares as well, to have me working. Yet my thoughts have been once again about the space in the garage, to clean in out, and make studio living space for me and the dogs. I have also considered approaching the center where I worked before I went to Easton Mt, about renting an office there. I considered this paths when I first came home and something stopped me, yet it has been the path that has been on my mind for sometime now, the fear and self-esteem seem to cause me to balk at accomplishing.
Yesterday I wrote about the opportunities that I am aware that I have not taken advantage of a Shaman circle that meets about a half hour away from here, I met this women the first year I came home, yet I have not found my way there. I also was introduced to a spiritual healing circle/meet up that I attended once, the experience was awesome, yet I was not sure I was ready to move into that “higher” space, plus I felt some spiritual superiority about these people, that the personalities were too raw, their practices too new and uninformed. I have also put off attending some of the Reiki sharing events that happen every month due to excuses of not wanting to drive that far, I did not want to spend the $10 or whatever for the practice of sharing. Yet it is time to place all of that on my daily weekly practice, to be informed, to be in the energy of healing and recovery.
There is a paragraph from The Artist’s Way that spoke to me this morning, resonated with something deep within me. It says, “Many of us have made a virtue out of deprivation. We have embraced a long-suffering artistic anorexia as a martyr’s cross. We have used it to feed a sense of spirituality grounded in being good, meaning superior.
I call this seductive, faux spirituality the Virtue Trap. Spirituality has often been misused as a route to an unloving solitude, a stance where we proclaimed ourselves above our human nature. This spiritual superiority is really only one more form of denial. For an artist, virtue can be deadly. The urge toward respectability and maturity can be stultifying, even fatal.”
I need to breathe through these words, I need to meditate from that place to see if I have truly rationalized my spirituality into a superior behavior, part of me knows it is so true. That I have denied myself social contact because I find many others lacking in any spiritual intelligence (funny, here I am trying to be intelligent and I could not even spell the word). I have denied myself fun and play because I believe fun and play has no place in being spiritual, or at least some part of me does.
Once again is about balance, it is about finding the spaces, situations, people that I can be myself with, I can be authentic, yes we move beyond some people once we move into recovery of our true selves, our artist, our Higher being, yet to idea is to attract those beings that dance with your essence, vibrate with your energy, that encourage and support each other in friendship and creativity.
I think I could go on and on, for I think I am on to something here… a shift in perspective, a shift in behavior of opening up more, expanding and exploring! Yet the thought process is getting muddled, the clarity is misty over.
Growth Question: This one is a seek and find. What came up for you while reading this blog?
I am Love, Jeff
the reluctant bloger 
Growth Question: This one is a seek and find. What came up for you while reading this blog?
Jeff, what came up for me was wondering why you couldn’t do it all.
In other words, work as an experienced server at the restaurant up the road AND convert the garage into a living area for you a Riley and Muffin, AND attend the various groups that you’re interested in AND still pour your heart into your creative work.
As Jean Hart just said over on my blog, “Life is short, even in you live long.”
Laurie,
Just beginning to wrap my mind around it all, one would lead into another, with some money the creation of a space would be more viable, with the attendance of groups creativity would grow, spirit would soar, energy would shift to a new level of experience.
Oy Vey!
I am Love, Jeff
For me, the self-deprivation is rooted in at least some kind of guilt. I still haven’t made my way to any of the available activities or events either, even the ones that are free, and it’s because the only thing that frightens me more than spending the rest of my life sitting here in this chair across from Scott, staring at the TV/laptop screen for hours on end, it’s the idea that stepping out to do things on my own will create a chasm between us that we won’t be able to fill in again. Scott doesn’t want to really do much of anything, solo or as a couple, so I feel guilty about wanting to do anything remotely bordering on “fun” just because I want to. Should I want to? Is there a reason that who he apparently is, isn’t quite enough for me? The result is that I spend many, many hours feeling like I’m ready to just jump right out of my skin and fly away.
The “spiritual superiority” thing…usually I’m the one who feels inferior. I’ve had people pay me some wonderful spiritually-based compliments–one woman at a restaurant a couple of years ago told me that I had a “shimmer” about me, something that almost took my breath when I read virtually the same thing in a book of anecdotes called “Celebrating the Pagan Soul.” But I don’t see it; I really never have. I have moments, but I’m still in the process of making myself stop holding back. There are many people here who look beyond the immediate, but I look at them as though I’m standing a rung below them, not quite spiritual or enlightened enough to measure up.
Still waiting for the coursewriting job, which I really, truly feel is where I’m going to be; I’m also trying to help Emily get reestablished which takes up a lot more of my energy than I’d like. The original cutoff date I gave them was the day after Labor Day, figuring that would give plenty of time to get things situated, but when Em quit her last job intending to move back to Kentucky I thought “OH YAY!! 4th of July then!!!” But I’m thinking there’s something significant about my original date (LABOR day), the one I gave Julie when she asked me about possibly coming to work there. But until I change my mind about money, money isn’t going to change anything about who I am. The kids are doing the best they can, holding up their ends, and starting this week each of them is going to cook dinner one night a week. I thought I was weaning them off of me, but I think it’s the other way around. OH and in addition to my Master’s Humanities courses, my witchcraft classes started this week. No certificate, no diploma, no…outward acknowledgment; only information to digest, journals to keep, and more organization. We shall see.
Much love, bright blessings be yours.
Stacey,
I think your process is beginning to evolve for you! Knowing what you want, and learning to ask for it and getting it for ourselves is truly an healing and creative tool!
Thank you for sharing your unfolding!
I am Love, Jeff
Thanks for your thoughts Jeff.
You asked me if I had done the artists way. I am not sure if Laurie had mentioned it or if I had heard of it. I looked at the descriptions of it and just decided at the time it was not a time that I was interested in the concepts. Kind of like sometime syou have to get in the mood to be invovled with a certain book or subject.
I especailly was drawn to some of Staceys comments, as if being ready to fly away. I too get in those “moods”, as if the only thing that will make me happy is if I fly away and just plain start over again somewhere different, exciting enough, challenging enough, or just plain new. A new path, a new life, a new me, a new outcome. I guess as I am writing this I realize that that has to come from innside the soul, a deep connection with what is here and now, a new, welcoming look at the old and redundant. Embracing what I need to do, at the same time enhancing andn loving where others are at.
Turtle food for thought, as I think I am slow to realize these things sometimes and go slowly, and hid my head as to not face the reality that I am the one that needs to change my outcome.
Butterflies are flying…
Kim
Kim,
Once again I am honored to have you express your needs here, I am hopeful this blog allows you to “awaken” more to your self, which I think it has.
All comments are public so reading and or responding to others is always encouraged and welcome.
Evolution of our Higher Selfs is a process, process of re-discovery your true self, the self that has been hidden by doing the things life ask us to do, yet at the same time not asking ourselves “what do I need and want”?
I am Love, Jeff
Interesting post, Jeff! When I am in a group of people who seem to feel spiritually superior…I usually feel completely like a duck out of water. I have never seemed to come from the same direction as most people, and when everyone seems to walk a specific pre-determined spiritual path I just feel confused and inarticulate. Can’t even speak. Have no idea how to even share anything. So I just shut up and stay silent. It seems like lots of folks who join together following a spiritual set of precepts like to make it into fundamentalism. And that my spirituality comes from finding the authentic parts of myself… Thank you so much for writing this.
Kathy,
The idea is not to be spiritually superior but to be present to the spirit in each and everyone, and I think you do that.
Thank you for coming by I am grateful that you take the time to read and comment!
I am Love, Jeff
Jeff, I am sorry not to make it over here every day. Your words and process are fascinating. So much richness here. I am honored to read.
Kathy,
I know you are out there, and your are very much part of my process of discovery along the journey!
I am Love, Jeff