Each person must puzzle it out…

“To believe in God or in a guiding force because someone tells you to is the height of stupidity. We are given senses to receive our information with. With our own eyes we see, and with our skin we feel. With our intelligence, it is intended that we understand. But each person must puzzle it out for himself or herself.” Sophy Burnham

I was drawn back to Gay Soul: Finding the Heart of Gay Spirit and Nature. Interviews by Mark Thompson. It is Gay Pride month when Pride Marches and events all over the world happen to allow GLBT people to gather in ritual created by a riot at the Stonewall Bar due to suppression, in the form of raids on “Gay” bars own by the Mafia.

The Stonewall Inn 2008

I marched with the Radical Faeries a few years ago from Thompson Park to the Stonewall Bar the evening before the Gay Pride Parade in NYC. I happy haphazard march is the Faerie Stonewall March, but proud all the way ,non-commercialized, gathering of spirit of men who honor the ancestors who step out of their heels to fight back, to stand for their lives and identities as gay people and people who matter too!

As I search and claim my identities as a spiritual man and the gay spirit that informs me in ways that I have danced for many years! Strange thing is I have not self-defined those Identities. So groups and or communities I belonged to family, Roman Catholic, male, gay, recovering alcoholic, healer, creative, and photographer. In order of awareness of these identities but not in priority of meaning or purpose in my life. Yet I think my spirituality informed me before I was aware of my sexuality, I was drawn to church yet more on a deeper level of worship and or ritual. Yet the church informed me that being a homosexual was unacceptable, that I was a sinner, hey I was a sinner way before than. So what the heck. Walking away from ‘religion’ to find my soul in the bottom of a bottle and the arms sexual encounter confused for love informed my life for many years, there was not pride, there was not thought, just doing, no consciousness around why.

Faerie Drag March 2008

Recovering reconnected me to God, which informed me of my spirit infused from birth as a child of God, a creative being, with Love as a purpose, Love as the guide, Love not in a special relationship but the Love in the relationship to inner self, and all the journey that entailed. To claim my Twinship which Mitch Walker speaks of in Gay Spirit, he states “It is when you’re born to spirit world and the physical world simultaneously through the archetypal erotic Twinship.” So my goal and or journey has been to rediscover that part of my identity. Another quote from Mitch Walker that resonated with me because of my wounds and healing journey expresses …“it is hard to establish a more mature attitude around these issues because not only do the individuals involved have to work on their own inner shadows — their own unfinished business – but as soon as they do that enough they become the enemy and are demonized by others.”

Drumming before the March 2008

As I begin to attract others who are on their path, create a circle of friends and artists that are supportive and understanding I am encouraged to move beyond the blocks of fear, self-doubt created by the voices I heard from those who did not understand the spirit that I have expressed for years.

This evening I have two solstice gatherings to attend one here in NJ with local people I don’t know, and another in Philly with Radical Faeries, my tribe, most whom I do know. I make this statement because I seem to be undecided to which to attend. The group in NJ is a connection I wish to make but it may not be the time? The group in Philly is a place where I can be more authentic allowing my spirit to be present.

I have to give this blog/pages up, it has linger too long, and now it seems to forced. I kept getting interrupted by the dogs, family, the flow has been disturbed.

Growth Question: When did you first hear spirit and begin to take action?

I am Love, Jeff

14 thoughts on “Each person must puzzle it out…”

  1. Jeff – The cool thing about you having to decide between two events is that you have TWO to choose from; you’re not limited. I don’t think there’s a right/wrong choice. I think it’s more a question of which is ripe for the plucking and will be more appealing to your taste at this time?

    Also, recently you mentioned a rekindled interest in a certain gentleman. Do you know if he is attending either one? If yes, perhaps it should be the one that’s he going to.

    Growth Question: When did you first hear spirit and begin to take action?

    There’s no doubt about it. I was age seven, sitting on a yellowish/orange fire hydrant. I was wearing turquoise corduory pants that had red patches on the knees. I had a very curlie top-knot and the breeze was gently lifting the curls up and setting them back down on my head. It was like I was being patted by the hand of Divine Love. I remember it as if it were yesterday.

    1. Jeff,
      Two invites, that is nice.
      It’s interesting, your picture of drumming. I have been invited to my first drumming this coming Monday night.
      The spirit is flowing through me, and like you I was raised Catholic, but when the church refused to baptize my children, because their father is not Catholic, I had to walk away. I thought we were all children of God. I guess only if your the right religion and give generously to the basket!! (of course too, when I went to Catholic school, girls had to wear a HAT to cover their heads, and dresses, and we HAD to eat Fish on Fridays. They don’t have to do any of that anymore so religion took a man made turn for me!!)
      I am learning more about the Goddess’s and Angel Spirits, but I do miss the rituals.
      No it’s not easy to walk your own path, I am learning much from you,
      Go have fun, with either group you decided to go with.

      1. Jean,

        Thank you for coming by the reluctant bloger! What a joy it is to have you here! I share my stories to map the path, to shine light, to encourage and support each of our paths. For we don’t walk them alone, even though we may think we do? (ego)
        The church has its place, I have journeyed through a few, yet spirit speaks where spirit speaks. I think in the book The Color Purple she says something like “God is not in the church you have to bring Him there with you” or I just made that up?

        I am Love, Jeff

    2. Laurie,
      I still struggled through the day about which choice to make. Both interested me in different ways. By mid afternoon I almost talked myself out of going to either. Ha but I did not. See this mornings blog.

      What a wonderful delightful way to find spirit ! Thank you for sharing that moment!

      I am Love, Jeff

  2. Thanks for sharing Jeff.
    As a cradle catholic who is a eucharistic minister, lector,choir member, sacristin and numerous other duties I welcome you with open arms and pray that you will come to understand that we are all sinners in one way or another. The beautiful thing is Jesus came to take that away from all of the believers no matter what their sin was. Remember that you are a child of God…God and Jesus desire to have a relationship with you, not the hypocrites that claim to help and support others while segregating that belief to their idea of what is right or wrong.



  3. P.S
    Oing to church with my Grandma and cetain nuns formed my love for spituality and also a bit later even though I was raised catholic.
    First on a Cursillo weekenk.(Leraning to have an intimate relationship wit Jesus) and more recently with talk of Divine Love (spirit) by Laurie that I learned in Life Harmony…I would say that it is a life ong relationship,the best ever…

  4. Hi, Jeff — I had almost forgotten this was the summer solstice! “What fools these mortals be!” (Puck, A Midsummer’s Night Dream) Like you, I could never believe in the God I was told to believe in. The Catholic church from my experience was a confusing nightmare of “be perfect” “be like Jesus” or “go to hell” and the natural spontaneous combustion of wanting to be a child. It never made sense to me that God made everyone, yet some of us were made more perfectly than others. Those “others” (gay, lesbian, black, Asian, Jewish) needed to work extra hard to make up for the sin of being born gay, lesbian, black, Asian, or Jewish. I had to leave religion to find “God” and have only lately taken up rereading religious passages knowing what I know now about our existence.

    To answer the growth question, I heard Spirit clearly when I was very young sitting in Church while mass was still said in Latin. I felt very much at home there. After Vatican II came into power, I retreated from that world and retreated from Spirit at the same time. It wasn’t until I had bottomed out at the age of 18 that I sought to put myself back together and find a way to reconnect with the true Spirit of Life. And, here I am.

    1. Barbara,

      The power to move from that place of home and church is truly “following the Heart” allowing spirit to guide, to listen and honor that which shows up and resonates with our essence as we grow or evolve so should our ability to intuit the “voice”.

      I am honored that you have shared your journey to spirit!
      I am Love, Jeff

  5. Jeff, enjoyed reading this, Just saw a show “Silver Stars” by Sean Millar which looks at “Ireland’s hidden history of men who were exiled & qstracised for being their authentic selves. Sean interviewed older Irish Gay men from Ireland to America to recount their experience of being gay in a country that challenged their very existence. The transcripts which form the interviews have evolved into a moving, eloquent song cycle which tells the stories of real mean searching for happiness, fulfillment & love and acceptance. Silverstars celebrates these men.
    The Times review says : We have ways of breaking your heart, Seán Millar’s moving song cycle, Silver Stars , seemed to say in Brokentalkers’ gently mesmerising production. And what ways. Based on verbatim interviews with older Irish gay men, and performed largely by disarmingly vulnerable non-professionals, songs and sexual politics gained an unusual emotional wallop through minimal sentimentality, some audacious devices (Neil Watkins’s novelty spectacles, anyone?) and consoling choruses” full details http://www.brokentalkers.com

    1. Mike !

      Wow! What a wondrous surprise to see you here. To have your voice sing and share a link that must resonate with you in some way. I have not had the opportunity to view it yet, from your comments it seems to be something rare and beautiful!
      Please come back soon!

      I am Love, Jeff

      1. Thanks Jeff, yes it was an incredible show- One story tells of a man’s mother telling him “my religion tells me that your life is wrong, but I love you more than I do my religion”- A wonderful story of acceptance.

  6. “A person has no religion who has not slowly and painfully gathered one together, adding to it, shaping it, and one’s religion is never complete and final, it seems, but must always be undergoing modification.” ~ D. H. Lawrence

    My father was an atheist and my mother kept her spirituality to herself. When I was six I had a transcendent experience with a stag in the woods and have known ever since that Spirit exists. But my lack of a religious upbringing made me vulnerable to the influence of an extremely dogmatic and toxic religion, where I was stuck for many years as a young adult. Now I am free of it and accept the mystery and synchronicity and feel connected to the Universe in many delightful and joyful ways. But it has been slow and painful getting here. And there is always more to discover…

    1. Do you have those D. H. Lawrence quotes in your head? I was attracted to Lawrence in my younger years, but could never really understand him. I know I read a bio to get an handle on his work. Maybe I should trying now, that I am more worldly and mature.

      The journey to spirit even when found is one of complete abandon of who one once was, the road wanders all about… Thank you for sharing your journey!

      I am Love, Jeff

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