Why was I wakened at 5 am,  On Saturday? So I could read, make fresh coffee, take a brisk walk in the frosty chill of the 32 degree morning, while the Cardinal’s sung back and forth to each other, to the accompaniment of my seemingly out loud prayers that I usually pray while on the first walk of the day, yet those prayers are only in mind, sometimes mindful, sometimes said by thoughtless practice… the silence of morning, blasted away by a fire siren, the steady whoosh of highway traffic, that of my own or the cars the speed by on the turnpike. The wooded area surrounds and fills me with wonder, no camera this morning for I did not think of it and the light was just beginning to enlighten the day. Yet I see the fallen tree branches, the brown, rust colored leaves that give sense to the its presence. Sometime  I think the chaos of brush, branches, tangled among themselves, across paths need to be straightened up, for the woods in winter looks disheveled and unorganized but who am I to redecorate natures beauty. For it is in that entanglement, in the chaos that the patterns, and design are created to offer the visual, to make homes for the small animals and unseen creatures of the forest. (and my camera) 

I had read this passage last evening before falling asleep, it resonated and works here now. The passage is from Invisible Acts of Power by Caroline Myss she states, “Every single person is born with something to create – that creation might be a child or a business or a garden or a circle of friends or a peace accord. Whatever it is will be personally beneficial for others. Blocked creative expression is as detrimental to your well-being as a drug addiction. A raging internal conflict between acting on creative impulses or settling for the status quo can eventually promote physical illness. This internal strife locks into the second chakra first and foremost because this is the vortex where you act on your convictions. You need to manifest  your ideas and to make a difference in  your world, whether your influence is enormous or small. The size of your action or gift is not the issue; the act of creation is.” 

I have been given many gifts, and each morning the gift of a new day to breathe, to create, to act. Yet I often ask myself “where is the action, I know the words, and I can talk the talk but how do I walk the talk?”  Is what I am doing enough, sometimes yes and sometimes no, and sometimes we are not even aware to the little acts of giving that we share. Be grateful, Be mindful, and allow spirit to guide for each moment is an opportunity for wonder, for change, for the miracle to happen.

The recent exhibits have been a success and I coasted on the praise and excitement of those of days, have step out into all forms of creative opportunities, art shows, faerie event, fellowship with recovery friends, yet still the shadows have fallen across my path…

“Sometimes we have to surrender to the not knowing. At other times, it is helpful to adventure outward & explore new possibilities. Like swashbucklers of the spirit, we bravely seek out any experience that might inform our path. When we are afraid of something, we live it fully and see what floats to the surface in the doing. We participate in our own revealing. We have faith in the shaping of what we cannot see.” Jeff Brown

Each moment of the year has its own beauty . . . a picture
which was never before and shall never be seen again.
                                                                            -Ralph Waldo Emerson

Nature is the art God.
                                                                                       -Ralph Waldo Emerson

There is something infinitely healing in the repeated refrains
of nature – the assurance that dawn comes after night,and
spring after the winter.
                                                                                - Rachel Carson

Some of nature’s most exquisite handiwork is on a miniature
scale, as anyone knows who has applied a magnifying glass
to  a snowflake.
                                                                                   - Rachel Carson

So it is now the 3rd of January 2012, the world has not ended, and mine seems to be about to expand. Even through I have had this opportunity at least twice before and almost pass on the opportunity again because it being January and so close to the New Year. Yet something felt right to have the Solo exhibit with the Photographic Society of Philadelphia now, starting the New Year with a new collection, surrounded by photographers and creative people.

It all meant having new prints made, buying new frames and mats, and everything put together an expense I really didn’t desire to create at this time yet necessary to create this beautiful exhibit, which I am very excited and proud to present to the members and the public.

So today at 6 Pm at Cafe 12 in Philadelphia Pa, there is a reception for the preview of my nature inspired detailed photographs, many looked like studio shots but are taken in nature, a two taken in natural light within the house, the blueberries and Christmas ornaments. I like the light on all of these even the owner of the Photo Lounge Print shop commented that I was a good photographer and had a good eye for light! I love when I get unsolicited critics. 

Allow nature to saw you how to see!

There are two more in this collection: tomorrow or the next day we should have video interview as well as shots of the photographs. stay tuned!

Shadows in the rain!

In the dripping rain-soaked walk at the break of daylight, the silence spoke. for silence was what I sought, from the constant noise about me, the constant distractions that move me away from creativity whether my own or the creators.

As I finish up the last details of my new collection for exhibition, shared exhibition at the Galleria in Deptford NJ,   I am pleased to be invited to exhibit in the space, sharing walls with 7 other marvelous photographers. My collection is an eclectic mix of my work, of nature, or artistic objects, and darkened spaces… all which hold interest to me, and I hope express my range of work.  None of them new works for I thought I would save my self some money yet reexamine work that has been exhibited before yet not in this space, and or collective expression.

Orge?

Have I heard my own voice as of late. Yes. I have heard my own voiced raised still in rage and in confused anger, most time in my own head, sometimes to the dogs, when they are acting like disobedient children, or maybe just being themselves, and I desire to control them.  In the past week this aspect of self that has been emerging has not reared its darkness as often yet lingers there in the shadows, waiting to catch me off guard.  Which is being unprepared for things or what seems like being so. Usually arrived at from not having eaten properly and my blood sugar shifts me into the orge, ranting and raving. Not a pretty creature, but one that is part of me.

I have done what I have been taught to do, in those instances when shadow wants to come out to wreck havoc about me… stop and breath, ask myself what the heck is going on, take myself away from the situation, as in a walk with the dogs, taking photographs on the way. Call someone who will listen, get to a meeting as soon as possible, give and get some good hugs… remember this too shall pass.  Oh yeah have something healthy to eat too!

The process works, being creative allows for the energy to shift, focused the heart and mind, as one of of the basic principles states in The Artist’s Way, “When we open ourselves to exploring our creativity, we open ourselves to God: Good Orderly Direction.”

Beauty in its passing

The good orderly direction was to follow the voice that said to write this morning, that had my admiring the Light breaking through the clouds to the east, had me embracing the warmth of the morning air, grateful that it was not 30 degrees, but 60, that gave me the affection of Muffin and Riley grateful for their morning walk…

Growth Question: Have you heard your voice lately? Where did it lead you?

All Photography is for sale at my store front here

The falling leaves of red and gold

I see your lips, the summer kisses

The sunburned hands I used to hold

Since you went away the days grow long

And soon I’ll hear old winter’s song

But I miss you most of all, my darling

When autumn leaves start to fall

There are numerous versions of this song Autumn Leaves the first time I heard this was Barbra Striesand’s version, sad and beautifully performed.   In recent years Eve Cassidy’s version has come across my ears, and it seems many prefer that version.

Anger is not the action itself. It is action’s invitation.  Julia Cameron, The Artist’s Way. pg. 62.

Anger will always tell us when we have betrayed ourselves. It is action’s invitation! So very true, anger is not being expressed at this moment but it has been a light that shone on my path a few weeks, maybe a month ago informing me it was time to move beyond that place I have been sitting. Time to look at my path, to take action in my life and make action part of my life. As a recovering person, as an artist, as a spiritual being, it was time to uncover the fear, to look trust/mistrust in the face, to find in my heart what has been holding me back.  My own fear, my trust of the world in which I longed to walk.

I have for the past month or so been silent here, but not silent in my discernment, not silent in my art, but silent with my words. For what are words? Words are expressions of thought, creating one kind of action, yet action entails movement from one place to another, from one form of Being to another. Julia Cameron states earlier that “sloth, apathy, and despair are the enemy.”  Not Anger. Anger jump up and pushed me off the cliff, it was time to fly again.

I have made a commitment to return to AA Meetings on a regular basis, and a particular commitment to a special meeting once a week. As well as to begin to rebuild friendships and fellowship that I have for to long pushed aside.  I got out of my own way and have connected to the Photography groups and links I have to get my work exhibited, have myself taught through interaction with other artist. The interview with Terrill Welsh on her blog Creative Potager  came at a time that I was in the need for some affirmation of who and what I am and what I Being.  I am truly grateful for Terrill’s support and encouragement.

The Philadelphia Photographic Society 149th year Exhibition has been going on for the past month in which I have two nature photographs on display and I was so thrilled to see them just inside the doorway as I looked into the room, well-lit and exhibited not to be missed.  This exhibition is being held at the Plastic Club until the end of the month.

These months of silence ending in a outbrust of anger jogging loose the apathy confused as contentment have certainly not been empty. They have been filled with contemplations, building new and old friendships, dusting off books of art, expanding knowledge of who I am and who I am choosing to be.

The Universe will reward you for taking risk on its behalf.  Shakti Gawain

Just Breathe

I was going to post Faith Hill’s “Breathe”, and went to youtube to find it upon listening to the song the sentiment was not what I was looking for, even though I love the song, at the moment it did not fit. Okay than! Lost track of where I was going, Muffin asked to go on our second walk, the weather pattern is changing to wind and rain, I was out side, so had to come in after our walk… with books, laptop, coffee and dogs into the house, shifting once again into the space, it takes time, for outside is open, breathable, air blowing wind and Sunday morning sounds, of lawnmowers, and the owners curses, cars coming and going for the parking lot behind me, reminding me I am not alone in the world, even though I am alone in the little world I have created from the moments of inspiration, thoughtful introspection, finding words and language that stir the emotion, cause thought to turn into action, a way of being in the world on a moment to moment basis.

The Last Breath of Day

“breath is the link between the body and mind between the conscious and unconscious mind. It is the master key to the control of emotions and to the operations of the involuntary nervous system. Moreover, breath represents movement of spirit in matter. Turning your attention to your breath moves you naturally toward relaxations and meditation puts you in conscious touch with your vital, nonphysical essence.” States Dr Andrew Weil in 8 Weeks to Optimum Health in the first week of this life changing practice. So why am I not breathing more freely? The question is to be answered with creating time and place to do some breathwork.

Breathless

Even while writing and moving about to consciously breathe, in and out, slowly and deeply, feeling the movement if nothing else. Breathe!

Breathe in the Love.

Breathe out the jive.

Breathe in the mystery.

Breathe out the history.

Breathe in the luminosity.

Breathe out the grandiosity.

Rob Brezsny

P.S. I changed my mind about adding the Faith Hill song, but use a performance with Carlos Santana  !

Magic Box

So do I take her to the Apple store where she was birthed, have the Genius take a look and do the proper procedures, or the Geek Squad at Best Buy?  Or even still a local community shop I have seen in a near by town. Is it about the money or the security? Is it about wether the work will really be accomplished, and that she will come back to me refreshed ready to take on the world again, since I have no clue what is going?

A look inside

Well this blog certainly took a different turn than I expected?  As I wrote I was wondering what kind of photographs do I place here that would or could convey the magic of writing, the magic of my laptop? Or do I publish without pictures?

Twisted strength

There seems to be such an anger within me these past 24 hours. It has been shadow dancing with me. Claiming my spirit, and my self-will. I stay away from people, places and things and the little monster still shows up, out of the blue, seeming to make the simple things difficult, difficult things a source of fire I don’t even desire to go near.

Yet according to the stars and planets it is my time to shine, as a Leo, it is anyway. But instead I am hiding out. What is it about all those everyday adventure that I wrote about yesterday has been gripped in fear of getting them done?

I need to find the light in all of this, I am going to cast my light on this shadow and find out what it wants, why it is still there. It seems like the joy and enchantment I was feeling and experience last week has caused an opposite to present itself. Ego screaming you are not allowed to be enchanted, you are not supposed to find joy in everyday experiences. I say Boo to you ego, Boo! You need to get in step here, I have love to share, joy to spread, art to create and your dancing on my toes! We need some new choreography. This does not have to be painful or difficult, it can be fun, creative, joyous… Trust me!

Beauty in the drought

In chapter 10 of The Artist’s Way Julia Cameron writes; “In a creative life droughts are a necessity. The time in the desert brings us clarity and charity. When you are in a drought know that it has a purpose. And keeping writing your morning pages. To write is to right things. Sooner or later – always later than we like – our pages will bring things right. A path will emerge. An insight will be a landmark that shows the way out of the wilderness”

The biggest thing on my mind this morning was to write, no matter the anger and or frustration I was feeling, the concern over the computer, once again I was and am having difficulties with my pass word working. I worked on it this morning a bit, I hope I have gotten things cleared up.

This has not necessarily been a creative drought or block it has been an emotional spiritual dry spot. I may not have photographed a much yet I have been inthralled with Bystander: A History of Street Photography,it has been a source of history, creative input, lessons about photographers, to cameras.

Viewing or pursuing

How the photographers where influenced by either their art training or the style of art of the day. It seems many early photographers took up the camera to make pictures of the area in which they wished to paint. Gave them a moment stopped in time, the light and shadows aren’t changing. Some photographers used different cameras to get a different feel for a shot. Other photographers where working for the city or state to capture moments in history of areas of city streets and buildings that were about to be demolished and rebuilt.

At the Fair

What I have learned through this process is how to look at a photograph, what am I seeing, am I seeing the whole picture? It has also caused me to think about why I am attracted to street/candid photography as a way of photographing as well as a form of art, how do I make this more conscious in my my creating?

I am sure I have cycled through these places before, and will again. The drought doesn’t last, and even while there there is beauty in it dust. For there is light in the darkness or darkness within the light!

A quote from Meister Eckhart, “Truly, it is in the darkness that one finds the light, so when we are in sorrow, then this light is nearest of all to us.”

Growth question: When in your darkness can you see the light? I the light can you dance with the shadows?

Am I looking for the right words or right thoughts to compose this blog? Yes, but there are no correct thoughts or words expect the ones that flow from your heart to your mind through to your fingers, making something happen.

For two days now I have awakened with a sense of, I am going to use the word depression, another friend used the word dread, yet I would not call the sensation either one of those really. Maybe loss or emptiness, maybe just a letting go of something that I am unaware of letting go of during sleep. Is that possible? Anything is possible.

It could be that after 12 years or so I had to change my email address, and I have not figured out or done the work yet to retrieve old addresses and messages. I also had to change me Facebook page when I went to change me password there because it was asking for an odd system to have three friends vouch  that I am who I say I am, with a code # that is messaged to them… only one person as done so. So many of my contacts on face book have been discontinued, much of the messages that I had emailed to me are gone. In some ways this is freeing in others it is disconcerting.

Also my laptop needs some maintenance, I think a fan is malfunctioning for it over heats quickly and the cursor jumps around on the page when writing etc. Oy ! It feels like everything at once, oh yeah I have to renew my drivers license, which really needed to be done sometime ago because I have been using my NY State license since I moved here. Here is another thing, I am coming up on my birthday and it will be my last year in my 50′s. It is difficult enough understanding that I am 50 anything let alone going to be 59!!

Well maybe with all of that off my chest, out here is cyber space, I will relax, and just move on.